Saturday, March 26, 2011

My first time into poetry, dear readers...


I've only written, like, three poems in my life. I've always been way too angry at life in general, and the people who write poetry in particular, to give much of a damn. However, with my haiku project and the ability to express the anger and seething hatred I have in me, I figured why not? I could be a dark poet. An angry little screaming mouse in a world full of hungry cats. The following poem I've called "Modern Life Ten Miles Away," and it should be read in full shout.

Drugs?
Fuck yeah!
What kind?
Whatchoo got?
Meth?
CHRIST YES!
Here ya go!
What's it made of?
No idea.
What's it got in it?
Who knows?
How pure is it?
All I know is that the guys who made it
are dead.
FUCK! WHY DOES IT BURN!?
Battery acid? Dead babies? Aryan hate?
Jesus! You have anything to calm me down?

How bout some weed?
Homegrown?
None other!
Where was it grown?
Its my own shit.
Yeah, but where was it grown?
I grew it in my own shit.
Are you serious?
Yeah...
Never fucking mind.

Ok, got any pills?
What kind?
Painkillers.
I got morphine, methadone, oxycontin, hydrocodone,
dilaudid, oxymorphone, fentanyl, tramodol, percoset,
demerol, lorcet, lortab, percodan
and seventeen different colors of vicodin.
That's all?
Well if you want the strong stuff I'll have to call my guy.
Don't want to put you out, dude.
It's ok, I just need to get the fucking phone to stop moving.
What you on?
Enough mushrooms to choke a Whargarble.
What's a whargarble?
What's a what?
Huh?
Beer?
Yeah...

Fuck this place.
Only America
could dream up a place
like rural Kentucky.

Song of teh post: Where Eagles Dare, by The Misfits (No soy maldito hijo de puta!)
Poet of the post: Bill Hicks

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Haiku time again... The TV Edition



FOOD NETWORK

Chubby "Brah" Clothing,
Spiked, bleached hair is mocking me.
Fieri must die.

Who let Giada,
Mistress of huge freakin' teeth,
On my damn TV?

Iron Chef comes on.
How strange is it when WE start
Ripping off Japan?

Semi-HomeMade? Uh...
You bought it from a store, dude,
Not really from scratch.

Hi! I'm Rachel Ray!
Yummo and et cetera!
Have some crystal meth!

Alton is the man.
No ifs, ands, or buts, bitches.
Show some damn respect.

REALITY TV

It is not real life.
It is about as real life
As I am Chinese.

How many of us
Would honestly watch a show
Called "Your Shitty Job"?

The Situation,
Snooki and the Jersey Shore.
Kill them with fire.

The Simple Life. Ugh.
I won't rest 'til I can drink
From their precious skulls.

The Deadliest Catch.
Risk their lives for rich folks food.
Blood is on their hands.

Filled with bile and hate
Every single time I watch
John and Kate plus 8.

I still have never
Seen any American
Idol. I am proud.

Still, I have to say,
Despite all my objections,
Mythbusters? Awesome.

THE NEWS

Wolf Blitzer has a
Weird name. Cant wait for the show:
"Blitzer and Bohner"

BBC new source.
Fair, real, international.
No one here listens.

NPR, I want
To support, but you keep on
Asking me for cash.

MSNBC
How long 'til the Tea Party
Starts shooting at you?

Fox News, Rush, and Glenn:
Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP! FUCK!
JUST FUCKING SHUT UP!!!!!

YOU FUCKING WHORE BEASTS!!!!
YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER
BEEN FUCKING CONCIEVED!!!!!

Sorry. Got a bit
Too carried away just then.
So yeah. Fox news sucks.

IN CONCLUSION...

Kill your TV now.
Your brain wants you to come and
play outside with me.

This is your life and
it's being taken away
second by second...

You don't want to die
Looking back on your life and
see only TV.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Recipes... The Return of the King (of PAIN!)



So, another recipe... This one is one of my favorites, and I hope it will be one of yours as well. It is great on anything you'd want to put barbecue sauce on, and can be easily spiced up with the addition of any number of awesomenesses. On barbecue, on grilled chicken, and even seitan braised in it is excellent! Enjoy!


UNCLE OTTIS'S BARBECUE SAUCE


2 cups tomato puree
1/4 cup white wine vinegar
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 large onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp chili powder
1 tbs Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp dry mustard
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp salt
pepper to taste
1 cup chili sauce
1 tsp lemon pepper
3 tbs vodka




Lightly saute the onion and garlic in the vegetable oil until translucent.

Combine all ingredients in a medium sauce pan and simmer over low heat for 25 to 30 minutes, stirring often.