Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Story of Rufus 'Hornswagle' Capon...


Chapter 1: Origins

Part 3: The Love of His Life

The subject of love has always been one that Rufus has been loathe to discuss. The romances he has had in the past read like a laundry list of the who's who of international society. His love affair with Moamar Gaddafi, his trysts with Greta Van Susteren, the sex tape that surfaced of him and Michael Moore, and the torrid love triangle (more like parallelogram) between him, the Arch Diocese of Canterbury, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir are all well documented but painful for him to discuss, as he enjoys his privacy in matters of love as much as we all do. However, what is the root of his love? Who does he pine for? Can we find out more about the man by the people he loved?

"I'll tell you one thing," he said to us on the second day of our interviews. "I have loved many in my life, and have the scars to prove it." He then proceeded to pull of his pants and thong and show us the actual scars on his genitalia. "This one here," he said, his voice dripping with perversion and wistfulness and pointing to a triangular shaped scar at the tip of his taint, "I got when that shark got a little carried away. This one (a long, jagged scar along the side of the shaft) was when I pulled out of that combine harvester." He then went on for an hour, pointing to the scars (both physical and emotional) that he could remember. But one scar, around the base of the shaft, he carefully avoided talking about. When asked, his eyes teared up and he smiled... "That... that's my biggest regret..."

"His name was Troy..."

We were able to find a Troy McMacintosh in his files, but only in the form of obscure references to some form of medical procedure and the bill sent to Rufus's father. We tracked down, with some difficulty, Mr. McMacintosh and sent him an email, as he didn't seem to have an address on file. What follows is the entirety of the email conversation between the author and Mr. McMacintosh...
----------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:
We are writing a book about Rufus Capon and wish to interview you about him. Our files indicate that you knew Mr. Capon years ago, and we are trying to find the people from his past to give us a deeper look at a complicated man. Any assistance would be appreciated!

Thank you in advance,
Fiendly Grimmish.
-----------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Interview request...

Fuck off.

Troy
------------------------------------------

To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh...

We would greatly appreciate your reconsidering your answer. We are willing to compensate.

F.G.
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Money first, bitches. I swear, I'll unleash my second personality on you if you push me.

Troy
------------------------------------------------
(Here followed intense negotiations regarding his fee over google chat. We settled on a fee, which Mr. Capon agreed to pay under the pretense that it was for our publisher's habit of injecting zombies (a mixture of heroin, cocaine, and Pepto Bismol) into the area between his toes.)
-----------------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Our payment went through paypal. We have a few specific questions that we'd like to ask: 1. What was Rufus like when you knew him? 2. What is the story about your love affair? 3. What is the scar around the base of his penis? 4. Where do you live right now and what are you doing?

Further questions will be asked with your cooperation.

Thank you!
Fiendly Grimmish
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Fiendly:

1. Rufus was insane. I've never met a man more devoted to the practice of madness and the black arts as him. I remember one time, when we were 15, of him saying he wanted to play 'doctor.' I, being a gay man, thought he was just being flirty... playing doctor was so childish! But he was insistent and, despite his acute bleeding problems and constant tooth replacement, I thought he was cute. I agreed, and he told me to meet him at his house the next day. When I got there, the entire bottom floor was white, sterile, and had medical instruments all around. I thought he was just some sort of weird medical fetishist, but I was horny and just wanted to get my end away. I laid down on the operating table. He gave me brain surgery! Without anesthesia! When I left he had drilled holes in my head because he was looking for where the thoughts lived. I have had multiple personalities ever since. My second personality is named Arthur Meatmaggot, and he scares me...

2. Our love affair was torrid and it was all give from my end. Literally. He said he loved me, but also said that the other people he had sex with were just mistakes because he had a 'wide stance' when he went to the bathroom. I had no idea what he meant by this, but he just kept singing this silly song like 'Larry Craig, Larry Craig, tap tap tap-ee!' and he would dance around and smack his penis against musical instruments, calling it 'playing geetar with a mushroom stamp'. We had sexual relations several times, and each time was more humiliating than the last for both of us. I'll never forget the time when my second personality showed up (this happens when I'm angry or terrified, which happened often with Rufus...) and when I came to, we were both in the vegetable section of the local supermarket dressed as Jesus with radishes in very difficult to reach areas. We finally broke up when I moved, with my family, to Omaha. He said he couldn't visit me there because of 'the crickets'. I still don't know what that means.

3. That scar is from my last visit to see Rufus. He wanted to play doctor again, and my second personality came to almost immediately. When I woke up, he had switched penises with me. Which was disappointing, because I was fairly well endowed and had no venereal diseases, and now I can't get rid of this case of genital warts which make my penis look like a porcupine. I've since learned that he got that case of warts from an actual porcupine. I'll never forgive him for that, but I must admit, having the money his family sends me to keep me from suing is a small comfort.

4. I live in Turkmenistan and am the senior Grand High Executioner of rodentia. Please don't try to find me.

I hope this helps. Now go away.

Troy.
-----------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:

We cannot thank you enough for your information. Just as a matter of legal concern, can you prove the allegation that Rufus removed your penis?
------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

I am black. Rufus is white. How the fuck can you explain a white man with a black man's penis other than that? Dumbass.

Troy.

P.S. Please, let's make this end soon...
-------------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@neco.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Thank you for your patience, Mr, McMacintosh. Just one more question. What does 'hornswagle' mean?

Thank you again,

F.G.
-------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: gUMMi sAwMILL... nECro lOVE fOr THEeR eSHT of US!

BORKBORKBORK i am THE SWedisH cHEf! cOOkIN' uP dem HAWT POTABOS IN TEH CRAWLSPACE! (watched the ramen bleed to death... Sawmill?) cheCK oUt mah SECKs tAEp!!! I SWEAR I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!?!?!? nEcRO LOve FOR tHE rEST of uS! UZBEKISTANI HAT DANCE!!!! FEEL DAT MEATHAMMER GROOVE!!!!! PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL!! YoUeR gEttIN ThA hANg OF tHE PAYpeR wAitS! bOObIES hOLdING yER tAXes bACk! Have fun at the SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL

ThAt THInG On DA TeRKeE'sS NeKK... I'Ts DELICIOUS RAW AND COVERED IN WHARGARBLE! WhATS A WhaRgArBLE? ItS' FouND iNa SAWMILL

VANUATU!!! ESCAPE!!! THEY'VE FOUND US!!! ALL IS LOST!!! RUN TO VANUATU!!! IMPLEMENT EVACUATION PROCEDURES NOW!!!!! VANUATU!! ALL IS LOST!!!! ThIS VeHICLe Has BeEN ChECkEd For SlEEEping ChildRENs. PlEase ReFillL ImmeDiATElY. GoinG OFF on THA DIVING BORED! Let THE JAWS COME OFF!!! nO BodY wILL bE lEFT aLIVE!!!666 666 SAWMILL SAWMILL SAWMILL!

lOVE eND sLOppy kISSES

ARTHru mEATMaggoT
-------------------------------------------

Since the last message, we only got word of Mr. McMacintosh by way of a Turkmenistani newspaper editorial that simply said "Mr. Meatmaggot (speaking for the Grand High Executioner of rodentia) says that the squirrel of Louton is now entering the dark phase and may be seen as far as the pale horse of Owensboro. We are not aware of Mr. Meatmaggot's meaning."

Next time: His First Business Partner...