*yaaaawn* What year is it?

Ok... what the actual fuck?

 

Jesus... It's been a long time. I missed you. No, really! What have you been up to? That's cool. Same old same old, eh? Me? Well allow me to bore you with an incredibly detailed blog update that I'm writing in order to take up time at work...

 

 

I said no, no, no...

 

I'm addicted to Rehab. That sounds a lot funnier than it really is, but I'm comfortable with that. It all started this summer when I was reffing roller derby a lot (I'm up to over 60 bouts reffed, by the way!). Imagine this scenario. You had a great time on a Friday night with friends, eating lousy bar food and drinking a bit more than your fair share (and your fair share, and yours, and yours). But you have to be at the derby bout at 1 in the afternoon the next day to ref a double header, and you KNOW that's not enough time to get normal again. After all, you're not twenty anymore. You can't just go and treat your own body like its yours and it'll do whatever you want. So you wake up bleary eyed, hung over, headachey, and your stomach seems to want to reject any possibility of solidity. You get dressed, shower, realize your mistake, take off your now wet clothes, shower again, and get ready for the bout. By 12:30 you're still feeling a tad south of miserable. You go to a gas station... You buy a Rehab... and boom. Like a shot of pure, cold, tea flavored youth you instantly feel light years better. You're focused, ready for the day, and to complete the cycle, after the bouts you do it ALL OVER AGAIN. This stuff is magic. And holy christwagons on a taco plane IT COMES IN FOUR FLAVORS! Honestly, I can't remember an elixir that fixed a broken human better than this. Except for that stuff in Reanimator. That shit was probably Rehab too...

 

Green tea flavored rehab should bring this head back from the dead... I am very well adjusted...

 



Also, I live with my friend as a roommate now. He is a computer programming night owl, so I am forced... FORCED I tell you... to watch star trek DS9 well into the wee hours. Rehab works for that, too. Very well indeed. I still drink coffee like a motherbitch though.

 

So what else is new... Oh yeah...

 

These guys... THESE FUCKING GUYS...

 

Fuck bed bugs. Fuck them in their little fucking fuckfaces. I don't want any species to be eliminated from the planet (even Tea Partiers) but THESE fuckers can fucking die in a fire. If I have to shoot each one of them with a god damn bazooka I will with a great big grin on my face and I'll pay for all the ammunition. I don't know exactly how they got in to my apartment, but I have my suspicions...

 

I had been letting a cat stay in my apartment for a couple of months. She will go in and out at her leisure. I think she picked up some eggs (you know its bad when they breed like fucking lizard chicken demons) from a couch or chair someone threw out and she napped on. I didn't know I had them til my girlfriend spent the night and got bit almost fifty times...

 

I'll let that sink in. I didn't know I had them. I don't react to their bites. My girlfriend got bit fifty times in a night. How long had they been feeding on my delicious blood? I'm guessing that there's a family of a couple of hundred people that would have been saved if I had donated that blood rather than let it be harvested by evil fucking Satan's dingleberries.

 

Naturally I reacted calmly and rationally... Ok. I freaked out. I've moved, bombed all my stuff, got rid of most of my furniture, poisoned every inch of my bed, vacuumed my mattress and washed all my clothes (ALL of them) in hot water and dried them on high for at least an hour. All told, I have no clue how much money I've spent trying to eliminate these little antipodean specks of ass chunks from my life. Now I'm going to tell you some of their little awful habits... the best way to kill something is to know how it lives (you hear me, potential serial killers?).

 

First they shit little black smears. That's how you know you have them if you don't see them in person. Of course, the fecal smears look like mold, so you never know for certain, so the appropriate reaction is to set whatever it is you suspect on fire and listen to them scream.

 

Next, they live in solitary colonies. They don't like living near each other, but have to preserve their space. So they live in tiny little clusters of individuals that hate. I saw a couple of those colonies on my box springs. So my reaction was to set them on fire and listen to them scream.

 

Finally, they are very flat, so they can live in very thin areas... like the hems of clothes... or the folds in a mattress... or behind your eyes. The solution? Fire. Screams.

 

To this very day I can't get a good nights sleep (it's been almost two months) without waking up every time a hair on my arm moves. I slap at nothing even though I've moved to a new place and taken great steps to eliminate any animals from my person except for my cats, and they're getting me suspicious. I do also live with one of my best friends now, who put up with my massacre with great aplomb...

 

And not a bit of absurdity...

 

Also... The coolest thing! I've changed my emphasis in my biology degree...

 

Finally my hobby of playing with dead people will actually PAY!

 

I'm going in to forensic science! What? Oh, for the sake of fuck, I KNOW that CSI isn't an accurate representation of the job. But Here's the deal. I have some criteria for a job that I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life...

 

1. I want a job that not a lot of other people can do for whatever reason.

 

2. I don't mind gore.

 

3. I want a career before I'm fucking 40 years old.

 

4. I want to deal with the sciences.

 

5. I like solving puzzles.

 

Find another job that fits those criteria. I dare ya. I've talked a lot to some specialists in this field and they've said that the worst part of the job is the smell of rotting corpses. They say that they keep a change of clothes in their offices at all times because you never know when you'll bring that smell home with you. That's the only thing I'm worried about. But it's exciting! The mere fact of being able to do a job like this makes me smile through the blood and gore.

 

Anyway... That's me since we last met. How are you?

 

Song of teh post: Rehab, by Amy Winehouse

Forensic research interest of teh week of teh post: Sharp force trauma wound patterns (stab wounds)



Acrophonology and me...

According to the website "Acrophonology and You" at (http://www.acrophonology.net/acroprog.php), my full name is not an accident. My name was either given to me by fates or I was shaped by my given name (it doesn't specify... I'm going with the second though. Seems more valid (gigglesnort)). In either case, I typed my name in the bars (only first, middle and last were available... what about Prince? Madonna? William Thomas Jefferson Clinton?) and got the following... (I'm not dumb enough to put my full name on my blog... what are you, crazy?)

"****-You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing.

********-Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You enjoy make-believe and fantasy. It is hard for you to forget injustices. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. It is important to you that you make your own way in the world. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You tend to be private and secretive. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. Your independence and freedom are important to you. You will work long and hard to attain your goals. You are not a quitter.

****-You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You enjoy socializing and entertaining. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others."

Standard vague tosh that any other practitioner of the "alternative" arts and awareness will charge you a hundred bucks a session for. But then I got an idea. Let's play a little game!

Who is this...

********-You are an overly sensitive person, often falling into a savior-martyr role. You are very skeptical and have more than your share of bad luck. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You have a discriminate nature coupled with perseverance and family pride. You need to learn flexibility. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

******-You make impersonal decisions quickly, but not so with personal concerns. You like to think things over carefully, but tend to be indecisive. You are a constructive thinker. You have a need for monetary security. You can be very practical, down-to-earth and trustworthy. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You enjoy make-believe and fantasy. It is hard for you to forget injustices.

******-You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You have high aspirations and a cheery disposition. You have a great deal of pride. You enjoy being on center stage. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You enjoy socializing and entertaining. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You enjoy socializing and entertaining.

Give up?
It's this guy.
Yeah, that's right... it's Ted Bundy. His given name was Theodore Robert Cowell. I especially like the bit about "You can be very practical, down-to-earth and trustworthy. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong."

Gigglesnort again.

Ok, one more... Who is this?

******-You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

*******-Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You are always involved with projects and things to do.

*******-You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You take pleasure in your creative comforts. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job. You are curious and you enjoy rapping with friends.

It's this guy...
Herman Goering, Reichsmarschall of the Nazi Regime and Hitler's second in command.

How about one more tiny morsel...

*****-You have a tendency to resist change. Don't miss opportunities for growth. You have a love of creature comforts, but must learn to handle money. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

********-Status is important to you and your ability to achieve success and earn money. You have a need to be noticed and seek status. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You tend to be private and secretive. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You can go to extremes in all you do.

*******-You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show.

It's her...
Belle Gunness, American serial killer with a body count of at least 30.

Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover.

Song of teh post: Gary Gilmore's Eyes, by The Adverts
Weird juxtaposition of teh post: "You want to be self-supporting" in Belle's description. She attracted men who had money, married them, killed them, fed them to pigs, and then ate the pigs.

The little things in life

Sorry about this, but I woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning. For some reason, today things are really getting on my nerves. So I'mma do it to you...

The little things in life that will accumulate in my psyche until I become a serial killer (hardly a complete list):

-Being honestly intrigued about the legalization of certain drugs, the effects that that would have on our culture, economy, and justice areas (prison population in particular), and being very curious about the arguments on both sides of the issue, even though I'm fairly certain I'm for it, then trying to research it and finding most of the websites concerning it are by stoners who can't string a sentence longer than "Legalize it!" together, along with pictures of dried bunches of purple/green leaves.

-On a related note, people who justify their drug use as "expanding mind" bull. It seems that they must have a enlightenment based reason for their desire to get high. Just be honest and admit you like getting messed up, not caring for a while, and checking out of your normal state of mind for a bit. Don't make it sound like you're doing this for the good of humankind. Toke, sleep, go back to work. You are not a shaman.

-Having to explain that my choice of not usually eating meat doesn't threaten the livelihood of the person I'm in a conversation with, their personal/political views, or their gender identity, nor does it insult them, their mother's name, their favorite color, the shirt they're wearing, or the lineage of us as humans, nor does it make me think I'm superior to them, haughty, stuck up, or better than them. I just don't dig meat most times.

-There: a word directing to a place/area
They're: the combination of "They" and "Are"
Their: The plural possessive/ past indefinite antecedent when gender is unknown
Your: a form of the possessive case of "you"/ belonging to someone else
You're: the combination of "You" and "Are
Then: relating to time/ relating to "if/then" indirect relative comparisons
Than: direct comparison
If you're an idiot because of your inability to understand the above, then there is a place for you... the nice young men in their clean white coats will be there soon, and they're more gentle to you than I'll ever be.

-Phrases that start out "I'm not xxxxxx, but..." because they're invariably xxxxxx.

-Preferential treatment of religiosity. Tax exempt status for churches, the obligatory prayer at most meetings, accepting "it's my faith" as a legitimate viewpoint, indoctrination of children, even drug use as legal for those who profess a certain traditional faith. This does nothing but give people a false sense of persecution when it is mentioned that religion should stay out of government/public works.

-People who confuse faith and proof. Seeing is believing, but believing is not knowing. Believing is never knowing. Strange, but true.

-People who swear an oath of loyalty to a computer brand. "The soulless, faceless, greedy multinational corporation that manufactured my computer in a huge factory overseas is WAY better than the soulless, faceless, greedy multinational corporation that manufactured YOUR computer in a huge factory overseas!!!"

-People who complain about how government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and is wholly evil and corrupt who then vote into power people who complain about how government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and are wholly evil and corrupt, who then do their best to make sure that government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and is wholly evil and corrupt.

Ahhhh... I feel better.

Song of teh post: Wrong Prayer, by Jaydiohead
Words of teh post: Then, Than, Your, You're, Their, They're, There. It's really not that hard.