To catsitters, to make much with thyme...

Visited my parents in Texas over X-mas. I live in Kentucky. That's like, over fifty miles away! Some friends were visiting from Kansas (I have some quite long-reaching associations... bear that in mind when messing with my mafia) and they needed a place to crash that didn't have babies or mother-in-laws, and preferably had a cat. I has three cats. They are beefcats who sleep in sausage gravy, if you didn't know.

As with any time someone house/cat sits for me, I left them a note outlining some basics. I started writing something like...

"Hey, D&S...

There's food. There are cats. Don't confuse them..."

But it just rang hollow to me. So I decided to do what any of us would do...

I wrote a long lost chapter of the Necronomicon.

Here, then, is the unedited version of this note...
(BTW, I'm posting this because I want to get to twenty posts in a year, and this may just help push me over the edge. That, and it's pretty damn funny... Also some background info: I'm babysitting a cat called Milkshakes, and my apartment has a room that tapers in the ceiling and recesses in the floor, which makes it look like a church. So naturally I put a flag with the FSM in there, with x-mas lights. I am normal.)

The Gospel of the Methhaus apartment (as dictated to the "Mad Arab"), The Lost Book of the Necronomicon

1. And the lord thy god, the great oldest one, said unto the keepers of the felines of the one who looks at the dead:

2. Who soever eateth the pork curry in the box as cold as R'hley shall rejoice, for gastric pleasure and spelling mistakes shall be theirs.

3. And unto you I give the contents of the manna room, for within ye shall enjoy the delights therein.

4. But yea, heed ye this warning. Thou shalt not eat of the truffle, for if thou doust, thou shall encourage the wrath of the squid beast.

5. And thou shalt not consume all of the tomatoes dried by Masaka's gaze, or the crawling chaos shall enter your ears and eat upon your sanity.

6. And before the keepers could respond, the great oldest one continued "... Your sanity! The chaos shall eat it! Nibble nibble nibble! Which is a shock, let me tellst thou."

7. And I did see the pot that makes the black lifeblood, hidden with the blender, under the washing area where cats fear to tread.

8. And behold, the seven rolls of papyrus that shan't be used twice, hidden under the sink in Bath's room.

9. And shall the fattest of the beefcats whine? The oldest one said "Yea, for when you shall feed the beefcats, the whiner shall demand treats."

10. And I looked and saw, in the drawers beside the food of the beefcats, a plethora of treats for beefcats.

11. And the sheets were cleansed.

12. And the bananas were purchased.

13. Yet, tho the keepers did request it, the juice of the cow's breast was nowhere to be found.

14. The great oldest one saw my confusion, and said "I forgot. I could have gone to the store again, but I couldn't be bothered."

15. And I saw the takers of refuse, for they come on the day of fri. And all were pleased.

16. But then, lo, I did smell a great stench and heard a scratching sound. I did wail and gnash my teeth, and the oldest one said "The beefcat with the name that shall bring all of the cultist males under 18 to the yard has stinky poos.

17. STINKY POOOOOOOOS!!!"

18. And I wondered about entertainment, and was pleased when I saw over 400 geebees of entertainment on the small box of the Revo in the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

19. And I wondered about internet access, and was dismayed by the wire that must be connected to the top of my lap.

20. And I wondered aloud, "O Oldest One, What if I have a queery about something? Whom shall I pray to?"

21. And the oldest one said "Pray ye to the one who looks at the dead, for his cell phone shall be in service, and he shall answer."

22. And thou hast lost the game.

23. And the oldest one said "Verily, that is what she spake!"

24. And when I asked "What do you mean by that?" I was banished to the abyss, starring Ed Harris.

25. Happy intercoursing holidays, and danke.

Song of teh post: Carmina Burana, by Carl Orff
Pissed off Lovecraftian elder god of teh post: Cthulhu! Ia Ia Cthulhu Ftaghan!

Books I'd like to read, if only they existed...

Every summer I find myself with lotsa free time to occupy my already ADD riddled mind. I love to read, but rarely find right books. I'm kinda picky like dat. If someone would write these five books, I'd be grateful. I'll buy multiple copies and give them to all my friends and certain members of my family.


REVIEWS

"It's an obscure book. I doubt you've read it."
-Hipster standing outside the bar smoking

"Whatever. It's pointless anyway."
-Emo kid shopping for razors

"A non-stop informational storm which made me want to wear a Genesis shirt ironically and drink lousy beer, for FASHION!"
-Fiendly Grimmish




REVIEWS

"I laughed, I cried, I prayed!"
-Alan David Berlin

"Disgusting, immoral, repugnant, and falling short on every family value that we as Americans hold dear!"
-Mark Sanford, Governor, SC

"Lets you into a magical world in which nobody but gay people don't exist. I give it two engorged phalluses up!"
-Fiendly Grimmish








REVIEWS

"Finally one of our own speaks out. This has been a long time coming, and can only open dialogue among all people."
-That friend of a friend that said that one thing that time.

"We have concluded that this is, scientifically, the best book in existence."
-Those doctors that did that study one time.

"I had no idea it was so hard. This is quite a load. I'm glad it came."
-Fiendly Grimmish




REVIEWS

"I had no idea everyone loved my work so much. (starts sobbing) I'm so deeply touched by this... thank you for including me in this tome of... (incoherent speech through blubbering weeping).
-Glenn Beck, Contributor "Gays Have Married? Now I Can Do My Sister!"

"While I'm not... I can't read this. There's no words on it. I ca... FUCK IT! WE'LL DO IT LIVE! NO, FUCK THIS!! SHUT THIS MICROPHONE OFF NOW!"
-Bill Orally, Contributor "Excerpt from 'Those Who Trespass'"

(Vomiting sounds)
-Fiendly Grimmish




REVIEWS

"I say, quite the eloquent book. I'd give it two thumbs up, if I had knuckled digits."
-Charlie the cat

"Ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball..."
-Fido

"OMG I loled! It are teh awesum! Wuts going on? Y dat kitteh has a knifey? No! Don be stabbin mah hed!"
-Fiendly Grimmish






Song of teh post: Reading Rainbow theme song.
Book of teh post: A Liars Autobiography, by Graham Chapman