I can't believe that I'm having to say this.

(Forgive the scattershot form of this post. I'm too pissed off to edit.)

So I spent a lovely weekend with wonderful people doing things that I love. When I left on Friday, there was no debt deal. Even though it is a silly debate to begin with, due to the clause in the 14th amendment stating that the president is the baws in this kind of situation, and popular support is behind the democrats, and et cetera, I was confident that the republicans would be able to see that their opinion wasn't sustainable and the democrats wouldn't get much of what they wanted, but at least it wouldn't be a wash out.

Then I came home and cruised some news sites. The republicans have gotten away with it. Again. I'm about to speak to the democrats, so I hope I can be forgiven for all my effluent.

Democrats...

FUCK YOU.

You spineless, whimpering, toads. You excrement. For the first time in a long time I'm madder at you than I am at the republicans. You shit-for-guts useless backstabbing weasels. All the support I gave you, all the times I defended you against the ridiculous accusations of "both parties are the same," all the ways that I can prove that what's going on is going to kill the country, all the ways that the hypocrisy on the right is so blatant, obvious, and fucking out-and-out stupid... You still do this. You give them what they want. At a time when most of the country was supporting you in saying that the republican debt was the REPUBLICANS fault, that holding the country hostage and playing this dangerous game was bad for the right and made the left look reasonable, when the entire world was waiting on pins and needles because our ridiculous, unsustainable form of economy is somehow a linchpin for the rest of the world's money systems, when... FUCK. Does it even matter to you anymore?

You were elected because you said you were DIFFERENT than them! You wanted to champion causes that helped EVERYONE, not just the top five percent. I can't believe I believed in you. Sure, you lost the majority in the house in 2010, but that's because of idiots like Glenn Beck and the people who follow him. They're upset that the white house isn't white anymore. FUCK THEM. They're a fringe element with a very loud voice. They're idiots. They don't want the government to touch their entitlements that the government gives them. You really want people with that kind of cognitive dissonance in their heads rushing to the head of a major political party? No you do not.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU!!!!!

I am so sick of living in a country that's run by the elite who say they're down to earth on behalf of the down to earth who say that they're elite! THE WAY THINGS ARE HAPPENING ISN'T WORKING. THE ONLY THING TO DO NOW IS CHANGE IT. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DIFFICULT CONCEPT... PLEASE ADJUST YOUR METHODS.

Capitulating isn't working. When Boehner says "move closer to us and we'll move as well" he means "move closer to us and we'll move farther away from you." If you're not gonna use your fucking brains and learn that 1.) The whole world thinks we're complete morons; 2.) The whole world is terrified of the little political games you keep letting the right win; 3.) We're the only industrialized country whose quality of life is on the whole miserable and getting worse; 4.) We've tried this "tiny government" thing before in the early 1900's and it led to some of the worst decades our country has experienced; 5.) IF WE DON'T START TRYING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE SOON WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE MUCH OF A WORLD LEFT!!!!!, then please step down and let the republicans hurry up and destroy the country. I'm almost done with this shit. I'll continue to vote for you... despite the evidence, you have the most power to get the whole thing straightened out, but I'll be voting for you drunk. Because like an anonymous, drunk screw, doing it will fill me with shame and regret almost immediately afterwards. Why?

Because fuck you, that's why.

Song of teh post: Eve of Destruction, by Barry McGuire
Hope of teh post: Hope? Don't make me laugh. My throat is sore from screaming.

Holy Bull Crap

How the thought processes should have gone down...

What happened? They all said it would happen yesterday! The math... the whole deal with the disasters... What happened?

I mean, I sold all my possessions. All of them. My kids... oh no... They won't have anything! I quit my job, severed my connections, I even told my friends that I wouldn't be seeing them until after all this is over... Was he wrong?

He must have been wrong. How could he have been wrong? The math all added up! The whole thing... with heaven as 17... Was he wrong?

Was the bible wrong?

No! That's ridiculous! It's the word of God, written by Him... through men. Fallible men. Men like Harold. What is going on? Why am I thinking like this!?!? Surely this is a test! That's it! A test! Of my faith! After all, it may not be a bad thing. Sure! The world is a pretty neat place. It's like... the second best thing after the rapture, after all! I do like cheeseburgers. Are there cheeseburgers in heaven? Didn't Jimmy Buffet sing a song like that?

What am I doing!? This is ridiculous! The rapture didn't happen... This is the worst day of my life! Now all I have is this awful universe! What a horrible thing!

Wait. I just said that the universe wasn't enough. What kind of person does that?

Someone who has been fooled into wanting more than the universe can offer.

I've been fooled.

I've been fooled by that ancient, persistently wrong false prophet. What the hell? What else was wrong about what he said?

He said he was actually interpreting the bible correctly. I've read the bible. I've looked at what he showed me. It made sense at the time.

Maybe the bible was wrong.

Could that be? Should I have put all my faith in one person... in one book?

Where is that book... I'm gonna read it again... I wanna read it for myself...

How the thought process actually went down...


NAW, DOOD! S'ALL GOOD! WE ALL GONNA DIE SOON! DON WORRY, MR. NON-BELEEVER! I GOT THIS! U TOTALLY NOT GONNA SERVIVE THE NECKS TIME!!!

And I'm all...


And they're all...


And I'm all...


And they're all...

BELEEVE WIT ME BRO!!!

And I'm all...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END! YOU WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO DIE!!!!

And they're all...

Mmmmm... Me gusta apocalypse...

And I'm finally all...


Song of teh post: Sonny's Burning, by The Birthday Party
New day of teh dead of teh post: October, 21, 2011

In Defense of a Liberal Worldview (I are Seriose voter, this are Seriose stuf)

There are a few things I feel that I should clear up before the vote tomorrow. (FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ARE WE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!?!?!?) Mainly due to the fact that there are people who value rhetoric over reality, furious to functional, imaginary over intelligent. (SERIOUSLY! THESE FUCKWADS ARE THE ONES THAT GOT US INTO THIS FUCKING MESS!!!!!) If you told the average tea party enthusiast (THEY CALL THEMSELVES TEABAGGERS! TEABAGGERS!!!!!) that most likely their taxes went down under Obama's administration, or that the best way to economically run government isn't to let corporations have more rights than citizens do, but to carefully balance available taxable income with social and political programs, you'd get a firm, yet reasonable debate. (BULLSHIT! THEY CALL ME HITLER!!! COCKBAG, DOUCHEHEAD, SHITBRAINED, GOPHERFUCKING, ASSHAMSTER, DICKSTAIN, BALLRIPPING, HYPOCRITICAL, TOADMOLESTING, MOLESTACHEHAVING, VULVALANCING, KNOW-NOTHING MERCURY ADDICTS!!!!!111ONE!!) I find that informing these wonderful people of some non-revisionist history, some basic science, and some social theory can help them see our side of the picture. (YOU HAVE TO NAIL THEM TO A CHAIR AND STAPLE THEIR EYELIDS TO THEIR FOREHEAD BEFORE THEY EVEN GET THE NEURAL IMPULSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SHARE THEIR RELIGIOUS/POLITICAL/ANTI-SCIENCE VIEWS EVEN EXISTS IN THEIR FUZZY LITTLE XENOPHOBIC BRAINS!) What follows is some hard, painful truths for these misguided people (DICKS!!!!) and some helpful suggestions for dealing with them. Naturally, most people of a conservative bent aren't as fanatical as these people, and will accept evidence, but there are a few of you (I'M NOT A COYOTE WITH A WITCH FETISH WHO DRINKS HER OWN URINE FROM A BABY'S SKULL. I'M YOU!!!) who need to hear the following...




Evolution: (What you gonna believe? Science or tribal shamans with no hygiene and little reasoning power during their short, miserable lives?)

It happens. It's happening now. It has happened in the past. It will happen in the future. Deal with it. Just because you "don't believe" in it, or that you offhandedly dismiss anyone who does as a "Darwinist" or "Evolutionist," doesn't mean that it isn't FACT. If you bothered to Google "evidence of evolution" you'd be inundated with facts, facts FACTS! It can't get much clearer than "you're wrong". No amount of sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming will stop it.
How to fix this problem...
All you have to do is deny any modern medicine or technology to these science deniers. One round of blood letting and humor testing, complete with leeches and prayer, and you'll see these people running back to science, maybe even learning a thing er three.

The Founding Fathers (I gots a boner for teh flavah of teh slave owners!)

Ok, here's the deal. Imma give you a few quotes, and you tell me if they came from the founding fathers or www.atheists.org members...
"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." "Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies." "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government." "The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity." "Every new and successful example, therefore, of a perfect separation between the ecclesiastical and civil matters, is of importance; and I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in showing that religion and Government will both exist in greater purity the less they are mixed together."

Give up?

They are all from our founding fathers. People like Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, et al, they were convinced that the health of the country was inversely proportional to the association that it has with the church. "But we have god on our money!" "The pledge of allegiance has god in it!" Please. Look up when those things were added and under what circumstances. Then we'll talk. By the way, Darwin is on British money. They consistently outperform the United States in almost every standard of healthy societies. And they're the lousiest performers in all of Western Europe. Makes you think, if you could.
How to fix this problem...
These people want a religion based society rather than a secular government? Tell them to go kick it in Iran or Somalia for a while. Then ask them if they want Jesus with that constitution burger.
Also, just because it isn't in the constitution doesn't mean its against the law. Federal taxation pays for social security, medicare, etc. So unless you're totally off the government tit, don't bite down.

This isn't "your country." (Ahm takin mah countree back frum teh socialist nazi communist atheist muslims whut done runed it!)

We all live here. When we were bitching about Dubya (who was an abomination unto the lord, I know 'cause he told me (the lord, not Dubya)) you told us to love our country or to get out. Now you want to take your country back because we aren't stupid or mean enough to tell you to love it or leave it. Double standard? Surely you jest! (By the way, I'll see your Aqua Buddha and raise you a Swift Boat.) We all live here, get used to it. SO WHAT if you gotta press one for English? SO WHAT if you can't go to a gas pump without seeing a furrin language? SO WHAT that the gay neighbor wants to get married to his boyfriend of twenty years? SO FUCKING WHAT? Abortion is not murder, gay marriage will not lead to your wife leaving you for a truck driving dyke, your taxes aren't the problem. And to pretend that only your type of people deserve to live here is doing a disservice to all the people whose lives have been made better and more fulfilled because of the diversity in our country. In other words, you're a dick, and if there's a hell, I hope it's full of Mexican tormentors.
How to fix this problem...
Take off your Jebus or Mohammad blinders for two minutes, look around you. These are things that take a minimum of thought, so think for a minimum amount of time, and you'll see that we are sharing this country with a huge and diverse group. Not everyone believes what you believe, and nobody wants to make you believe what they believe. Be a dick about your own life, but let others live theirs.

Companies love you! (and that sweet, sweet lifeblood money that your children will undoubtedly fork into their gaping maws when they can afford the necessities in life, like diet Coke and Hummers.)
This should be a 'nuff said argument here. Companies don't love you. They want your money, not just from you using their products, but they don't want to pay taxes on their money. They want to get it all. "But the law of competition is sacrosanct!!" Dammit, no. You know what happens when competition is allowed to fulfill its natural destiny? One entity wins. Think about it. Do you want your children to go to Wal-Mart high, or to have to pay their taxes to Pepsi.gov? Regulation keeps behemoth multinationals from controlling everything!
How to fix this problem...
Apart from not buying from huge meganational corporations, there's not much left to do. The wave of deregulation is a huge and all encompassing one, and apart from a massive shift in our cultural consciousness, we, in the immortal words of Epicurus, are fukt.

And finally...
Liberals, please listen carefully... ('cause if you don't I'm going to beat you with a fetus)
If you know you're right, don't be afraid. These people have no argument that doesn't revolve around mistakes, so point out those mistakes. Be ruthless. Call out bullshit when you hear it. Who cares if they say "liberals can't take a joke" or laugh in your face? When you stand up for your beliefs as they're doing, you're going to get a few swings, maybe a few altercations under your belt, but every time that happens you figure out how to erode their posts a bit. This is a great country, with room for a wide array of opinions and philosophies, but if someone is so insanely, thigh suckingly, arse wideningly stupid that what they're saying doesn't make sense, then call their shit out! "Obama is a Muslim!" "BULLSHIT!" "The left are all nazis!" "COME ON, YOU IDIOT!!!" "Anyone is Hitler!" "OTHER THAN HITLER, NOBODY IS HITLER!"

In other words, tell them to...

GROW THE FUCK UP!!

Sorry. I'm normally pretty full of levity, but this has... irked me.



Song of teh post: We Are 138, by The Misfits
Angry Liberal of teh post: Everyone that understands that Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck aren't the torchbearers of the illumination.

My weekend? Fine!

Honesty is not always the best policy...



“Ah! Friday five o'clock! I'm ready to kick my heels up and relax for a change! I think I'm gonna go camping.”



“Ah! An end of the one misery and a beginning of the other misery! Spending the week locked up in a fluorescent box staring at a computer is now going to give way to me spending the weekend in my poorly lit apartment staring at a different glowing box, maybe pausing long enough to put pants on as the overworked delivery boy delivers me my greasy Chinese food, but probably not, and definitely not tipping him. This sedentary existence will be punctuated by me grabbing my heart and panicking in vague cardiac pains occasionally, quickly realizing that it's only my body trying to make me seem more important than I know I am.”



“What you guys got planned for the weekend?”



“I know my weekend will be the far superior one of what anyone here will do, so I will force you to lie to me about your plans.”



“Well, Kyle, I'll probably catch that Pinter play at that theater on twelfth, then finish that book I got about the early American revolutionary thinkers. Have you read A Problem of Culture? It's fascinating. Anyway, on Sunday I'll take a walk in the park and clean up my apartment. I got my brother coming to visit on Monday.”




“I haven't actually read a book in years. My real intentions are to get a case of Mexican beer and take all the sheets off of my bed, lie in it in my underwear which I won't change until Monday morning, and contemplate the ceiling fan above my bed while a comedy show plays silently in my darkened bedroom, probably something British, like Mitchell and Webb. Eventually I'll be drunk and sleepy enough to realize the juxtaposition of my miserable life and the humor glaring at me from the silent television, and cry for about an hour before falling asleep, spilling my beer onto my naked mattress and entangling myself in my stained, crunchy duvet. I will wake up, urinate into the kitchen sink, and eat a sandwich I had prepared for this past Monday's lunch but forgotten about, and spend the rest of the weekend clutching my stomach in gassy agony when I realize, yet again, that things really can go bad in the refrigerator.”

“Awesome, Gordon! How about you, Debbie?”



“Well, I think I'll take that weekend trip to DC. I've always wanted to see the monuments and museums, and we only live an hour away, it's a shame to only see such an important place once or twice a year. I'll check out the museums tomorrow and the monuments on Sunday, it's supposed to be really sunny then. And I really want to check out that new vegetarian restaurant that opened last month!”



“On my way home tonight I will buy the cheapest wine I can find, pizza rolls, ice cream, and fill up my stolen xanax prescription. I will spend tonight eating horrible things, drinking as much as possible, and spiking it with the pills. Tomorrow I will continue this pattern, but I will add the toying with razor blades, first just holding the packet, then opening them and removing that strip of brown paper from one of them, forcing me to stare into the gaping maw of my own interminable depression as I gaze into my bloated, puffy face in their gleaming metal. On Sunday however, I will starve myself as punishment and scream at my own reflection, angry that I can't force myself to do the simplest thing in the world, ending this charade that is my existence and finally putting myself out of my own misery, either eating the whole bottle or finally slicing my arms open in my bathtub. I will print out and burn my suicide note no less than four times during this period.”

“Excellent! Bill, what do the young people do on the weekends these days?”



“Well, I'll probably head over to Hilligans, flirt a while, maybe chat someone up. I'm not attached to anyone, and I enjoy playing the field, so I may find myself... getting a bit lucky. Hehehe!”



“I have no interpersonal skills. But that's OK, because I am currently downloading twenty gigabytes of hardcore pornography, mostly about the degradation of females, but I have chosen some German shepherd/woman porn to watch as well. As my increasing arousal mounts, I will masturbate like a crazy chimp on speed, first watching a woman take over fifty loads of semen into her mouth until she gags and vomits, is then forced to eat dog food, and finally watching her being forced to perform oral sex on a dog, presumably the one she stole the food from. I will climax, my excitement will subside immediately, and I will be consumed by such shame and hatred for both myself and the female sex that I will delete the porn from my computer, which I will download again about six hours later after I view something mildly arousing on HBO. I will weakly masturbate yet again, with slightly more acceptance not only of my own sad, sad life, but also of the degradation that some women put themselves through to fill out a contract that they had been duped into signing, and by virtue of that contract gotten a horrible drug addiction. However, when viewed against my life, a drug addiction seems like a basket of sunshine and roses and needles.”



“You dog you! Bill, what I wouldn't give to be young again! Well, you guys have fun! I'm off to my apartment. See ya monday!”



“The only thing that will save us is either a zombie apocalypse or a nuclear bomb that one of us has hidden up our noses. Someone please set it off! No? Fuck.”

Song of teh post: Liar, by The Damned
Hope of teh post: Hope? Seriously?