*yaaaawn* What year is it?

Ok... what the actual fuck?

 

Jesus... It's been a long time. I missed you. No, really! What have you been up to? That's cool. Same old same old, eh? Me? Well allow me to bore you with an incredibly detailed blog update that I'm writing in order to take up time at work...

 

 

I said no, no, no...

 

I'm addicted to Rehab. That sounds a lot funnier than it really is, but I'm comfortable with that. It all started this summer when I was reffing roller derby a lot (I'm up to over 60 bouts reffed, by the way!). Imagine this scenario. You had a great time on a Friday night with friends, eating lousy bar food and drinking a bit more than your fair share (and your fair share, and yours, and yours). But you have to be at the derby bout at 1 in the afternoon the next day to ref a double header, and you KNOW that's not enough time to get normal again. After all, you're not twenty anymore. You can't just go and treat your own body like its yours and it'll do whatever you want. So you wake up bleary eyed, hung over, headachey, and your stomach seems to want to reject any possibility of solidity. You get dressed, shower, realize your mistake, take off your now wet clothes, shower again, and get ready for the bout. By 12:30 you're still feeling a tad south of miserable. You go to a gas station... You buy a Rehab... and boom. Like a shot of pure, cold, tea flavored youth you instantly feel light years better. You're focused, ready for the day, and to complete the cycle, after the bouts you do it ALL OVER AGAIN. This stuff is magic. And holy christwagons on a taco plane IT COMES IN FOUR FLAVORS! Honestly, I can't remember an elixir that fixed a broken human better than this. Except for that stuff in Reanimator. That shit was probably Rehab too...

 

Green tea flavored rehab should bring this head back from the dead... I am very well adjusted...

 



Also, I live with my friend as a roommate now. He is a computer programming night owl, so I am forced... FORCED I tell you... to watch star trek DS9 well into the wee hours. Rehab works for that, too. Very well indeed. I still drink coffee like a motherbitch though.

 

So what else is new... Oh yeah...

 

These guys... THESE FUCKING GUYS...

 

Fuck bed bugs. Fuck them in their little fucking fuckfaces. I don't want any species to be eliminated from the planet (even Tea Partiers) but THESE fuckers can fucking die in a fire. If I have to shoot each one of them with a god damn bazooka I will with a great big grin on my face and I'll pay for all the ammunition. I don't know exactly how they got in to my apartment, but I have my suspicions...

 

I had been letting a cat stay in my apartment for a couple of months. She will go in and out at her leisure. I think she picked up some eggs (you know its bad when they breed like fucking lizard chicken demons) from a couch or chair someone threw out and she napped on. I didn't know I had them til my girlfriend spent the night and got bit almost fifty times...

 

I'll let that sink in. I didn't know I had them. I don't react to their bites. My girlfriend got bit fifty times in a night. How long had they been feeding on my delicious blood? I'm guessing that there's a family of a couple of hundred people that would have been saved if I had donated that blood rather than let it be harvested by evil fucking Satan's dingleberries.

 

Naturally I reacted calmly and rationally... Ok. I freaked out. I've moved, bombed all my stuff, got rid of most of my furniture, poisoned every inch of my bed, vacuumed my mattress and washed all my clothes (ALL of them) in hot water and dried them on high for at least an hour. All told, I have no clue how much money I've spent trying to eliminate these little antipodean specks of ass chunks from my life. Now I'm going to tell you some of their little awful habits... the best way to kill something is to know how it lives (you hear me, potential serial killers?).

 

First they shit little black smears. That's how you know you have them if you don't see them in person. Of course, the fecal smears look like mold, so you never know for certain, so the appropriate reaction is to set whatever it is you suspect on fire and listen to them scream.

 

Next, they live in solitary colonies. They don't like living near each other, but have to preserve their space. So they live in tiny little clusters of individuals that hate. I saw a couple of those colonies on my box springs. So my reaction was to set them on fire and listen to them scream.

 

Finally, they are very flat, so they can live in very thin areas... like the hems of clothes... or the folds in a mattress... or behind your eyes. The solution? Fire. Screams.

 

To this very day I can't get a good nights sleep (it's been almost two months) without waking up every time a hair on my arm moves. I slap at nothing even though I've moved to a new place and taken great steps to eliminate any animals from my person except for my cats, and they're getting me suspicious. I do also live with one of my best friends now, who put up with my massacre with great aplomb...

 

And not a bit of absurdity...

 

Also... The coolest thing! I've changed my emphasis in my biology degree...

 

Finally my hobby of playing with dead people will actually PAY!

 

I'm going in to forensic science! What? Oh, for the sake of fuck, I KNOW that CSI isn't an accurate representation of the job. But Here's the deal. I have some criteria for a job that I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life...

 

1. I want a job that not a lot of other people can do for whatever reason.

 

2. I don't mind gore.

 

3. I want a career before I'm fucking 40 years old.

 

4. I want to deal with the sciences.

 

5. I like solving puzzles.

 

Find another job that fits those criteria. I dare ya. I've talked a lot to some specialists in this field and they've said that the worst part of the job is the smell of rotting corpses. They say that they keep a change of clothes in their offices at all times because you never know when you'll bring that smell home with you. That's the only thing I'm worried about. But it's exciting! The mere fact of being able to do a job like this makes me smile through the blood and gore.

 

Anyway... That's me since we last met. How are you?

 

Song of teh post: Rehab, by Amy Winehouse

Forensic research interest of teh week of teh post: Sharp force trauma wound patterns (stab wounds)



What a privilege!

Congratulations! You've finally realized that you have privilege! You, as a straight, white male in the "Western" world have been blissfully immune to the things that people who aren't like you, people who are different, people like, I don't know, the rest of the human experience, go through on a regular basis. You've realized that because you're a man, you can't remotely begin to realize how a woman feels when you're walking thirty yards behind her with no ill intentions and she starts to speed up or goes into a better lit area. You've realized you can not begin to imagine the nerves it takes for a gay person (or heaven forbid a trans person!) to trust people enough to come out to them if they're semi-closeted. You realize that when you're pulled over by a cop, you are much more likely to get off with a ticket or warning, whereas if you were black or hispanic you'd have a much higher chance of having your car searched. You know that, all things equal, you're gonna earn more money than anyone doing the exact same job over a lifetime if they're female... or a racial minority... or of a different sexual orientation than you.

Welcome to the real sociopolitical world!

How did this happen? How did you come to realize this? Was it the coworker problem? That does it for a lot of people. Some random rape joke got you thinking, or someone calling someone else a 'fag' when they do something not 'manly?' Did the ability of them to make these jokes with impunity make you feel kinda... wrong? Maybe it was a friend that has realized these things and heard jokes like that and politely removed himself from the conversation. That guy that doesn't think that rape jokes or derogatory language describing everything not straight, white and male are acceptable and actually tries to tell people that these things are not funny, and may actually hurt people... did you call him 'gay' after he left a conversation, or question his masculinity? Hey, it's ok. Because you realized NOW that he may have a point, you feel kinda bad about it. Go back to him and talk to him. He's an enlightened brother, right there.

And what is privilege? You're kinda realizing that it's something that's intangible but has real consequences. It can affect everyone in a negative way... including YOU. How does your own privilege hurt you? Simple. Those things you pointed out to justify how you used to think there is no privilege... Yeah, those. How? That's complex. Lets say that the old chestnut of "Women get custody of children and men get to pay alimony and child support way more often" is one of your old excuses. Ask yourself. What is the reason for this? The reason isn't because the system hates straight white men. It's the attitudes of modern masculinity... the things that you used to think were infallible... that make this happen! Men are the providers. Women are the caretakers. This is basic, entry level modern masculinity in the United States. This attitude may go against you in this situation, but hey... you're making 25% more money in a lifetime! And women not only make less, but they also have to take care of children. This is a logical extension of the masculinity/femininity dichotomy that you used to think was right!

How about "These people just got promoted/accepted into school/this that or the other because they're black!"? Lets take a minute and do some thinking. Take a poor black child who is trying to get into college. This kid has great grades, extracurricular activities, the lot. But the kid can't afford to take the SATs more than once. The kid studies hard, nights, weekends, and gets 1900 on the test! Awesome! Now take the well off white child. Same grades, same activities, but the kid can take the test four times in a year because the parents are paying for it. The best score the white kid gets? 2000. Based on just the scores, the 2000 is the clear choice. No scholarship for the black kid. This is why we have programs that help people from lower incomes, who are usually racial minorities! The black kid needs more financial help than the white kid, but may be naturally a better student BECAUSE that child had to work so hard! By the way, I never mentioned the kid's gender. You thought about male children, didn't you? Yeah, I thought so.

Or maybe "Men get sexually assaulted by women too! It just never gets known about!" Recall... what did you used to call men who turned down sex from any woman, much less complain about having sex when they didn't want to? Yeah... that's part of this masculine thing too. It's got a name, by the way... You're not gonna like it... The name is...

 (zomgNOOOO!!!!)

Sorry. It's true. This boogeyman of a word sends men's rights activists into apoplectic fits, but it's real. This attitude hurts everyone it comes into contact with. Men, women, gay, straight, black, white, hispanic, anything... I know. It seems kind of immense and terrifying.

So what can we do about it?

Well... Lots! Start off by getting involved in your own mind. Stop making rape or minority or gay jokes. Start thinking that they aren't really that funny... because they're not. You're going to have some road blocks. It's natural. Its gonna help when you start listening to what people are saying. Remember... oppression can't be defined by the oppressor, only the oppressed. Listen to complaints, grievances, and angry rants. This isn't tough to get. Stop blaming victims of crimes for the crimes. Be happy when you see programs that help people (even with your greatly appreciated tax dollars). Realize that people can wear what they want when they want and have the right to not be sexually assaulted. And don't worry. Realizing that you have the privilege doesn't mean you're a bad person. You have a bonus in life! It's like playing a new videogame on the easiest setting. The only thing you have to realize is that others don't have it on the same setting. Sometimes people get tougher lots in life. What you can do is realize this, and fight for people who don't have it as privileged as you. Listen, think, and help! Being open to the lives of others is going to make YOU a better, happier person! You're not a bad person for having privilege, you'd be a bad person for not recognizing it!

So go forth! Enjoy life with the knowledge that you're gonna make a difference by merely being a human being with empathy, if not sympathy!

And who knows? Maybe you'll be the guy who walks away from a chauvinistic/racist/queer-bashing conversation and makes another straight white male think about why.

A breakdown of the Post-Nihilist appeal of Modern Era Slapstick Humor (Or why I love Jackass)...

I like Jackass. I like the humor. I've gone out of my way to watch movies with Johnny Knoxville in them. I've gone to see Steve-O in person... Here! Look!

(edited to keep my girlfriend out of this absurdity)

I'm also reasonably intelligent. This causes a cognitive dissonance in some people. "How can you like that stupidity?!?!" they scream. "It's just idiots hurting each other and looking like complete douche bags!"

To that I have the following to say...

Eat a bag of dicks. I got philosophy on my side.

The Three Groups of Humor. (A brief explanation)
1. Incongruity
The presiding theory of humor is expounded by philosophers like Kant and Kierkegaard. In this group, humor is a response to incongruity; a term that can encompass logical impossibility, ambiguity, irrelevance and inappropriateness. This is a theory of humor that only proposes the origin of humor, not of the reaction of the humor by the experiencer. In essence, an incongruous situation naturally leads to humor. “In everything that is to excite a lively laugh there must be something absurd (in which the understanding, therefore, can find no satisfaction). Laughter is an affection arising from the sudden transformation of a strained expectation into nothing”(Kant).

Schopenhauer expanded on this, implying the failure of a concept to account for an object of thought, and this leads to the base incongruity needed for the theory. However, he fails to account for anticipation (dramatic and otherwise) of a humorous instance, insisting that the suddenness of the incongruity is directly related to the harder the laughter, (this tension/release mechanism is the basis of relief theory... more on the relief theory later). Bergson (who combines incongruity with superiority theory) also postulates that "the comic does not exist outside of what is strictly human." 

So, incongruity theory, which states that the logical impossibility and inappropriateness of a situation is the basis for humor, when coupled with the Bergsonian idea of the essential humanity of the comic, we can see how a tee-ball to the testicles of a terrified man can be funny.

2. Superiority
Thomas Hobbes recognized our feeling of sudden glory when we realize our superiority over others, and applied it to comedic theory. The cliched laugh of triumph is a sterling example of this idea. We are better than the other, ergo we find situations humorous. This is a style of comedy that people like Ben Stiller specialize in, if only in the emotional and psychological sense.

However, inferiority theory is the exact opposite, but is included in the superiority category. In this idea, self-recognition in the antics and self-deprecation of the comic induce laughter. We identify with the comic's inadequacies, therefore we laugh to relieve the internal tension. This reversal is not a bad thing, however. Robert Soloman insists that to see yourself as less than ideal and to not take yourself too seriously is a sign of virtuous modesty and compassion.

These opposing ideas are sufficient, yet not necessary components of humor. Incongruity can be seen as a wider net, providing a both necessary and sufficient origin for comedy, and as an adendum, superiority/inferiority theories can be tacked on. So... The logical impossibility/inappropriateness of a situation, the Bergsonian idea of essential humanity, and the combined superiority ('I am smarter/more aware than these people')/inferiority ('I have done stupid things to myself before') theories lead to the viewing of someone shoving a toy car up their ass as being a humorous situation.

3. Relief

Relief theory is probably the simplest one of the three, albeit it explains only the laughter, not the humorousness of a situation. In it, laughter is seen as a way to release or expunge energy generated by repression. Freud and, more importantly, Herbert Spencer, describe this theory, but both miss the central point of non-humorous laughter. These nervous chuckles beget a physiological response to a stressful situation, which may actually be the origin of humor itself. Imagine a distant relative of humans, who in a stressful situation, such as being watched by a predator, releases their stress as a physical enunciation, a convulsion of the glottis in short barking noises. This relaxes the creature, and may in fact continue after the threat has passed. Now imagine that some creature figured out that it could get this same relaxing feeling when it watched some other creature trip or stumble. This may have been evolutionarily beneficial, which leads us to enjoy laughter. This is all hypothesis of course, but the mechanism is still plausible.

If we can expand, anticipation of something happening to someone else leads to a release of tension when the something actually happens. A little microcosm of natural stress building, which can relieve more than it anticipates.

So logical impossibility/inappropriateness, essential humanity, superiority/inferiority theory, and physical/emotional release of tension leads us to appreciate a man getting shot with a shotgun loaded with a tail stabilized bean bag.

In essence, Jackass encompasses all theories of humor.

And if I might make some personal observations... Jackass is the essence of humor. It is the punchline without any joke. It is the witnessing of something stupid done by people who do, in fact, know better. If we all appreciated Jackass for what it is; low humor, base comedy, simple irony, and useless fun, we can grow to appreciate humor more. Perhaps digging a little deeper and asking ourselves WHY we find things funny. I, for one, fail to see any humor in Wes Anderson movies, even though they technically fulfill some of the sufficient qualities of humor. However, watching a guy get his nipple bitten by a baby alligator... gets me every time...

After all... What is evolution, anyway? In every way but biologically it's the honing of a message, the crafting of an idea. The idea of slapstick comedy comes to no finer point than that of Jackass. However, anylyzing humor is like dissecting a frog, according to E. B. White. Nobody really gets anything out of it and the frog dies. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm using philosophical justification to justify something that I freely admit has no philosophical, social, or cultural merit... Just trying to shut people up and get them to laugh...

Literally the bible... Part 4 (dammit, I'm bored at work, OK?!)

 Genesis CH4... in which there is sex AND violence!

1 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.”
Bow chicka wow wow! I'm actually surprised it took this long to get to some sex. And by the way, just because she screamed "Oh God!" doesn't mean that the lord helped. Moving on...

 2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.
As a side note, another human was made. Typical first child/second child dynamic ensues.

3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.
And the fruits were of the nature of pizza, and the lord saw that it wasn't very good pizza, and doomed Cain to a failed presidential campaign in AD 2011.

4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering,
So god preferred the meat and looked glancingly on the veggies. Typical American male. OMG... IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE THEN!!!!!

5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
I would be too! If god's not careful then he'll get some serious arteriosclerosis.

6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?
"Well I just spent all my time tilling the soil that you doomed us to till at the sweat of my brow. My brother got to watch animals do it and killed some random baby animals that couldn't run away. What does that say about us?" And the lord said... "Work smarter, not harder."

7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. ”  
Um... This makes no sense. You sneered at his salad and lauded the meat! You really are a typical American male.

8  Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Ok... that is overreacting a bit. I bet god is gonna smite this guy down with all the force of the heavenly hosts and destroy everything that Cain ever did, does, or thought! This is gonna be fun!

9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know, ” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Here it comes... Here comes the smiting that will make Fred Phelps spontaneously ejaculate...

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.
And Cain tore up the floor boards and said "here! Here is my brother's heart!" - Oh wait... wrong story.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 
Ok... that's not so bad, but I bet the smiting is coming!  Ooooh, excited!

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth. ” 
Well... this sucks for him! Um... I'm sure it's gonna get worse! Until someone invents the twinkie.

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.
Oh pony up and deal.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  
In great BLOODY MASSES OF TORN FLESH AND SINEW!!! BLOOD WILL SPURT FROM HIS SLICED THROAT AND...

15 But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over. ” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.  
... So... His punishment is to live forever? Wow... Ok... I guess that would suck. If you don't have hobbies... Um... wow. Way to be anti-climactic, there, Yaweh.

16 So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
He nodded off, then? (ba-dum- TSHHH!)

17  Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch.
WOAH WOAH WOAH! STOP RIGHT THERE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! Where did SHE come from!? And how does a man build a city?! And for WHAT?! His wife and kid?! Two minutes, one for Out of bounds blocking and one for misconduct!

18 To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.
That's a lot of not-mentioned-like-at-all-never-ever women to have kids with. Unless they were his siters. So... logical extrapolation... Oh man, they were doing their SISTERS! EW! If we can't do that even in modern West Virginia, then THEY shouldn't be able to do that either!

19  Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. 
Going from Adah to Zillah like a killah!

20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 
So... he wasn't the father of the people who lived in bungalows and raised cats?

21 His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes
So, the first musician. No wonder he got laid so much!

22 Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah. 
Come on down to Tubal-Cain house of forged bronze and iron. Here you will find the lowest prices on the highest quality spear heads... trinkets... shiny things... and knick knacks around. Or my naim isn't Tubal-Cain.

23  Lamech said to his wives,

“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
    wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
    a young man for injuring me.

Wait... Lamech killed someone else, too!? This whole species is terribly violent against its own members for some seriously minor differences in opinion- OH HOLY CRAP IT'S ALL TRUE!

24 If Cain is avenged seven times,
    then Lamech seventy-seven times. ”

So if Cain lives forever I live seventy seven times forever! Bah! Woe is me! At least I have my watercolors...

25 Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.” 
Ok... First, this is gonna make family reunions really awkward. Second, How will Jabal and Tubal-Cain deal with having a great-great-great-uncle that's younger than them? Unless time has no real temporal meaning and is an abstract... Dammit. I suppose it is. Well played, Einstein... well played.

26 Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh. At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.
 And there was no more boring genealogy in the bible ever!

Ashley's Haiku Challenge, 2012

Ok, here's the deal. I'm sitting beside the lovely, talented, amazing, and beautifully excellent Ashley and she's chastising me for not updating my blog. She said that she'd love me more if I updated more often (or at least it'll be like "extra credit"). This is not a guarantee, mind you... just a suggestion...

Anyway... She's gonna give me topics until she's bored and I will write a haiku about them one at a time. I will time myself, as well. No animals will be harmed in the making of this absurdity, although some cats will be offended...

Ok, it's currently 8:14... GO!

Topic: Liederhosen

Oh, odd German pant
Your suspenders call to me...
I'm glad I'm Swedish.

Topic: Ahnold

The Terminator...
Let me be the first to say
WAAAUGH AAAAUAAAGGGH GAAAUU to you.

That was totally not cheating, by the way.

Topic: Aliens

Big, almond-eyed freaks
with your lanky bodies... Still...
I would so tap that.

Topic: Swamp loggers

Swamp loggers, you and
Ice road truckers have made a
good channel go bad.

Topic: Ernest Hemmingway

The Old Man, The Sea
I mourn your loss constantly
I drink a lot, too.

Topic: Pimento cheese

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Topic: Mud butt

I would do this one
but I'm more worried about
my girlfriend's brain meats.

But seriously...
Get it? Butt seriously!
I said butt... heh heh...

Topic: Daniel Glorioso

They say they've no souls
But I beg to differ, here.
This guy is hell bound.

Topic: 80's hair metal

Shout at the devil
or at least the hairdresser
that gave you that cut.

Topic: Fluffing

You know what this is.
Guess where I met my girlfriend?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Topic: Erectile dysfunction

Leave it to her to
put the "fun" in dysfunction!
I cry bitter tears...

Topic: Batman

Gotham's dark knight has
some unresolved personal
issues to deal with.

He is clearly a
over-compensator with
Christ-like delusions

Topic: Ted Bundy

Could you help me with
these books? They are quite heavy.
What tire iron?

Time: 8:27.

Booyeah.

Song of teh post: The Snoop Dogg song that has the lyric "my sac on your tonsils."
Muse of teh post: My bb!

The Story of Rufus 'Hornswagle' Capon...

Chapter 1: Origins

Part 3: The Love of His Life

The subject of love has always been one that Rufus has been loathe to discuss. The romances he has had in the past read like a laundry list of the who's who of international society. His love affair with Moamar Gaddafi, his trysts with Greta Van Susteren, the sex tape that surfaced of him and Michael Moore, and the torrid love triangle (more like parallelogram) between him, the Arch Diocese of Canterbury, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir are all well documented but painful for him to discuss, as he enjoys his privacy in matters of love as much as we all do. However, what is the root of his love? Who does he pine for? Can we find out more about the man by the people he loved?

"I'll tell you one thing," he said to us on the second day of our interviews. "I have loved many in my life, and have the scars to prove it." He then proceeded to pull of his pants and thong and show us the actual scars on his genitalia. "This one here," he said, his voice dripping with perversion and wistfulness and pointing to a triangular shaped scar at the tip of his taint, "I got when that shark got a little carried away. This one (a long, jagged scar along the side of the shaft) was when I pulled out of that combine harvester." He then went on for an hour, pointing to the scars (both physical and emotional) that he could remember. But one scar, around the base of the shaft, he carefully avoided talking about. When asked, his eyes teared up and he smiled... "That... that's my biggest regret..."

"His name was Troy..."

We were able to find a Troy McMacintosh in his files, but only in the form of obscure references to some form of medical procedure and the bill sent to Rufus's father. We tracked down, with some difficulty, Mr. McMacintosh and sent him an email, as he didn't seem to have an address on file. What follows is the entirety of the email conversation between the author and Mr. McMacintosh...
----------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:
We are writing a book about Rufus Capon and wish to interview you about him. Our files indicate that you knew Mr. Capon years ago, and we are trying to find the people from his past to give us a deeper look at a complicated man. Any assistance would be appreciated!

Thank you in advance,
Fiendly Grimmish.
-----------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Interview request...

Fuck off.

Troy
------------------------------------------

To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh...

We would greatly appreciate your reconsidering your answer. We are willing to compensate.

F.G.
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Money first, bitches. I swear, I'll unleash my second personality on you if you push me.

Troy
------------------------------------------------
(Here followed intense negotiations regarding his fee over google chat. We settled on a fee, which Mr. Capon agreed to pay under the pretense that it was for our publisher's habit of injecting zombies (a mixture of heroin, cocaine, and Pepto Bismol) into the area between his toes.)
-----------------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Our payment went through paypal. We have a few specific questions that we'd like to ask: 1. What was Rufus like when you knew him? 2. What is the story about your love affair? 3. What is the scar around the base of his penis? 4. Where do you live right now and what are you doing?

Further questions will be asked with your cooperation.

Thank you!
Fiendly Grimmish
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Fiendly:

1. Rufus was insane. I've never met a man more devoted to the practice of madness and the black arts as him. I remember one time, when we were 15, of him saying he wanted to play 'doctor.' I, being a gay man, thought he was just being flirty... playing doctor was so childish! But he was insistent and, despite his acute bleeding problems and constant tooth replacement, I thought he was cute. I agreed, and he told me to meet him at his house the next day. When I got there, the entire bottom floor was white, sterile, and had medical instruments all around. I thought he was just some sort of weird medical fetishist, but I was horny and just wanted to get my end away. I laid down on the operating table. He gave me brain surgery! Without anesthesia! When I left he had drilled holes in my head because he was looking for where the thoughts lived. I have had multiple personalities ever since. My second personality is named Arthur Meatmaggot, and he scares me...

2. Our love affair was torrid and it was all give from my end. Literally. He said he loved me, but also said that the other people he had sex with were just mistakes because he had a 'wide stance' when he went to the bathroom. I had no idea what he meant by this, but he just kept singing this silly song like 'Larry Craig, Larry Craig, tap tap tap-ee!' and he would dance around and smack his penis against musical instruments, calling it 'playing geetar with a mushroom stamp'. We had sexual relations several times, and each time was more humiliating than the last for both of us. I'll never forget the time when my second personality showed up (this happens when I'm angry or terrified, which happened often with Rufus...) and when I came to, we were both in the vegetable section of the local supermarket dressed as Jesus with radishes in very difficult to reach areas. We finally broke up when I moved, with my family, to Omaha. He said he couldn't visit me there because of 'the crickets'. I still don't know what that means.

3. That scar is from my last visit to see Rufus. He wanted to play doctor again, and my second personality came to almost immediately. When I woke up, he had switched penises with me. Which was disappointing, because I was fairly well endowed and had no venereal diseases, and now I can't get rid of this case of genital warts which make my penis look like a porcupine. I've since learned that he got that case of warts from an actual porcupine. I'll never forgive him for that, but I must admit, having the money his family sends me to keep me from suing is a small comfort.

4. I live in Turkmenistan and am the senior Grand High Executioner of rodentia. Please don't try to find me.

I hope this helps. Now go away.

Troy.
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To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:

We cannot thank you enough for your information. Just as a matter of legal concern, can you prove the allegation that Rufus removed your penis?
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To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

I am black. Rufus is white. How the fuck can you explain a white man with a black man's penis other than that? Dumbass.

Troy.

P.S. Please, let's make this end soon...
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To: troy.mcmac@neco.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Thank you for your patience, Mr, McMacintosh. Just one more question. What does 'hornswagle' mean?

Thank you again,

F.G.
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To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: gUMMi sAwMILL... nECro lOVE fOr THEeR eSHT of US!

BORKBORKBORK i am THE SWedisH cHEf! cOOkIN' uP dem HAWT POTABOS IN TEH CRAWLSPACE! (watched the ramen bleed to death... Sawmill?) cheCK oUt mah SECKs tAEp!!! I SWEAR I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!?!?!? nEcRO LOve FOR tHE rEST of uS! UZBEKISTANI HAT DANCE!!!! FEEL DAT MEATHAMMER GROOVE!!!!! PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL!! YoUeR gEttIN ThA hANg OF tHE PAYpeR wAitS! bOObIES hOLdING yER tAXes bACk! Have fun at the SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL

ThAt THInG On DA TeRKeE'sS NeKK... I'Ts DELICIOUS RAW AND COVERED IN WHARGARBLE! WhATS A WhaRgArBLE? ItS' FouND iNa SAWMILL

VANUATU!!! ESCAPE!!! THEY'VE FOUND US!!! ALL IS LOST!!! RUN TO VANUATU!!! IMPLEMENT EVACUATION PROCEDURES NOW!!!!! VANUATU!! ALL IS LOST!!!! ThIS VeHICLe Has BeEN ChECkEd For SlEEEping ChildRENs. PlEase ReFillL ImmeDiATElY. GoinG OFF on THA DIVING BORED! Let THE JAWS COME OFF!!! nO BodY wILL bE lEFT aLIVE!!!666 666 SAWMILL SAWMILL SAWMILL!

lOVE eND sLOppy kISSES

ARTHru mEATMaggoT
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Since the last message, we only got word of Mr. McMacintosh by way of a Turkmenistani newspaper editorial that simply said "Mr. Meatmaggot (speaking for the Grand High Executioner of rodentia) says that the squirrel of Louton is now entering the dark phase and may be seen as far as the pale horse of Owensboro. We are not aware of Mr. Meatmaggot's meaning."

Next time: His First Business Partner...

I would like to make a few things perfectly clear...

This is an example of an American adult human male...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. He has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to him by the constitution. He can make his own legal decisions and be held responsible for his actions.

This is an example of an American adult human female...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. She has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to her by the constitution. She can make her own legal decisions and be held responsible for her actions.

This is an example of human children...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They have not reached the age of 18 and have, by law, to be legally reliant of their parent/parents/legal guardians. They have few rights and responsibilities endowed to them by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions, nor be held responsible for their legal actions.

This is an example of an animal (dog)...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from breed to breed. They are not human, and so do not receive the same rights and responsibilities endowed to humans by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions. They are animals, and as such have no concept of legality, which is a human invention.

This is an example of a chair...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They are not human, nor are they living, so they receive absolutely no rights or responsibilities from the government. They can not make any decision, legal or otherwise.

This is the Eiffel Tower...

There is only one Eiffel tower, so there is no variance. It is not American, nor is it sentient, and therefore does not recieve any rights or responsibilities from the government. It can not make any decisions, and even if it could, it is not American, therefore any legal decisions made are only binding in France (theoretical decisions, of course).

Now that we've cleared some things up, we can extrapolate. The only two entities on the list that a) have the legal rights endowed by the constitution to make their own legally binding decisions and b) are able to execute those by virtue of their ages are the adult American human males and adult American human females. Therefore, there is no logical legal reason for these two...


or these two...


or these two...


to receive the exact same rights. These rights include the right to vote, drive, pay taxes, and marry. And, because it is legal, for this...


Which is much more of a threat to marriage than any of the above situations.

Got it? Can we move on now?

Song of teh post: Gay Bar, by Electric Six
Crazy, creepy, GOP campaign manager of teh post: Tamara Scott, Manager for the Bachman Campaign.