Ashley's Haiku Challenge, 2012

Ok, here's the deal. I'm sitting beside the lovely, talented, amazing, and beautifully excellent Ashley and she's chastising me for not updating my blog. She said that she'd love me more if I updated more often (or at least it'll be like "extra credit"). This is not a guarantee, mind you... just a suggestion...

Anyway... She's gonna give me topics until she's bored and I will write a haiku about them one at a time. I will time myself, as well. No animals will be harmed in the making of this absurdity, although some cats will be offended...

Ok, it's currently 8:14... GO!

Topic: Liederhosen

Oh, odd German pant
Your suspenders call to me...
I'm glad I'm Swedish.

Topic: Ahnold

The Terminator...
Let me be the first to say
WAAAUGH AAAAUAAAGGGH GAAAUU to you.

That was totally not cheating, by the way.

Topic: Aliens

Big, almond-eyed freaks
with your lanky bodies... Still...
I would so tap that.

Topic: Swamp loggers

Swamp loggers, you and
Ice road truckers have made a
good channel go bad.

Topic: Ernest Hemmingway

The Old Man, The Sea
I mourn your loss constantly
I drink a lot, too.

Topic: Pimento cheese

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Topic: Mud butt

I would do this one
but I'm more worried about
my girlfriend's brain meats.

But seriously...
Get it? Butt seriously!
I said butt... heh heh...

Topic: Daniel Glorioso

They say they've no souls
But I beg to differ, here.
This guy is hell bound.

Topic: 80's hair metal

Shout at the devil
or at least the hairdresser
that gave you that cut.

Topic: Fluffing

You know what this is.
Guess where I met my girlfriend?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Topic: Erectile dysfunction

Leave it to her to
put the "fun" in dysfunction!
I cry bitter tears...

Topic: Batman

Gotham's dark knight has
some unresolved personal
issues to deal with.

He is clearly a
over-compensator with
Christ-like delusions

Topic: Ted Bundy

Could you help me with
these books? They are quite heavy.
What tire iron?

Time: 8:27.

Booyeah.

Song of teh post: The Snoop Dogg song that has the lyric "my sac on your tonsils."
Muse of teh post: My bb!

Haiku time again... The TV Edition

FOOD NETWORK

Chubby "Brah" Clothing,
Spiked, bleached hair is mocking me.
Fieri must die.

Who let Giada,
Mistress of huge freakin' teeth,
On my damn TV?

Iron Chef comes on.
How strange is it when WE start
Ripping off Japan?

Semi-HomeMade? Uh...
You bought it from a store, dude,
Not really from scratch.

Hi! I'm Rachel Ray!
Yummo and et cetera!
Have some crystal meth!

Alton is the man.
No ifs, ands, or buts, bitches.
Show some damn respect.

REALITY TV

It is not real life.
It is about as real life
As I am Chinese.

How many of us
Would honestly watch a show
Called "Your Shitty Job"?

The Situation,
Snooki and the Jersey Shore.
Kill them with fire.

The Simple Life. Ugh.
I won't rest 'til I can drink
From their precious skulls.

The Deadliest Catch.
Risk their lives for rich folks food.
Blood is on their hands.

Filled with bile and hate
Every single time I watch
John and Kate plus 8.

I still have never
Seen any American
Idol. I am proud.

Still, I have to say,
Despite all my objections,
Mythbusters? Awesome.

THE NEWS

Wolf Blitzer has a
Weird name. Cant wait for the show:
"Blitzer and Bohner"

BBC new source.
Fair, real, international.
No one here listens.

NPR, I want
To support, but you keep on
Asking me for cash.

MSNBC
How long 'til the Tea Party
Starts shooting at you?

Fox News, Rush, and Glenn:
Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP! FUCK!
JUST FUCKING SHUT UP!!!!!

YOU FUCKING WHORE BEASTS!!!!
YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER
BEEN FUCKING CONCIEVED!!!!!

Sorry. Got a bit
Too carried away just then.
So yeah. Fox news sucks.

IN CONCLUSION...

Kill your TV now.
Your brain wants you to come and
play outside with me.

This is your life and
it's being taken away
second by second...

You don't want to die
Looking back on your life and
see only TV.

Haiku time...

Haiku time again?
How about "PENIS PENIS
PENIS PENIS!" LOL!

Wolves are attacking!
Someone get Sarah Palin!
She is good wolf food.

Ancient form of art...
Poetry, timeless and new...
Nipple Sausage Rot.

Ah! Aqua Buddha!
Let your ice creamy goodness
Ruin my health care!

Someone as funny
and clever as I am still
makes minimum wage.

Burn up that work clock!
Blog and get paid for blogging!
American Dream!

Be wary of me...
I am unstable and wild...
OVER NINE THOUSAND!

There once was a man
From Nantucket... Wait a sec.
Wrong poetry style.

Does anyone have
Change for a paradigm? WOAH!
I just blew your mind!

Purge these silly thoughts...
Make them work for, not against...
Zen art of bullshit.

Can't sleep? Let me help!
Call me now, I'm standing by
With Iron hammers.

If something is made
of iron materials
is it "ferro"cious?

That last haiku was
something just for the geeks, nerds
and mad scientists.

Sup, brah. You should know
This copy of Windows is
Not Genuine, dude.

"Know what you're doing?"
"Of course! I always do this!"
"Then why are there flames?"

Can't sleep? Let me help!
Call me now, I'm standing by,
With pills and nude clowns.

Bukowski was right!
I write better when I'm drunk.
My liver agrees.

Have you heard the news?
They will kill all Grandmas soon!
Damn you, Obama!

Can't sleep? Let me Help!
Call me now, I'm standing by
your bed with a snake.

Lady in red boots
stomping on my scrotum smiles.
She is paid quite well.

If god is both all
knowing and powerful then
why do the tunes suck?

Someone pass me a
Vicodin and a gogurt...
I'm on a journey...

Can't sleep? Let me help!
Call me now, I'm standing by,
I'll bring the Boone's Farm.

Song of teh post: TV Party, by Black Flag
Poet of teh post: Fiendly Grimmish Writes/such bad poetry that you/will shit yourself dead.