Literally the bible... Part 4 (dammit, I'm bored at work, OK?!)

 Genesis CH4... in which there is sex AND violence!

1 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.”
Bow chicka wow wow! I'm actually surprised it took this long to get to some sex. And by the way, just because she screamed "Oh God!" doesn't mean that the lord helped. Moving on...

 2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.
As a side note, another human was made. Typical first child/second child dynamic ensues.

3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.
And the fruits were of the nature of pizza, and the lord saw that it wasn't very good pizza, and doomed Cain to a failed presidential campaign in AD 2011.

4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering,
So god preferred the meat and looked glancingly on the veggies. Typical American male. OMG... IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE THEN!!!!!

5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
I would be too! If god's not careful then he'll get some serious arteriosclerosis.

6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?
"Well I just spent all my time tilling the soil that you doomed us to till at the sweat of my brow. My brother got to watch animals do it and killed some random baby animals that couldn't run away. What does that say about us?" And the lord said... "Work smarter, not harder."

7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. ”  
Um... This makes no sense. You sneered at his salad and lauded the meat! You really are a typical American male.

8  Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Ok... that is overreacting a bit. I bet god is gonna smite this guy down with all the force of the heavenly hosts and destroy everything that Cain ever did, does, or thought! This is gonna be fun!

9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know, ” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Here it comes... Here comes the smiting that will make Fred Phelps spontaneously ejaculate...

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.
And Cain tore up the floor boards and said "here! Here is my brother's heart!" - Oh wait... wrong story.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 
Ok... that's not so bad, but I bet the smiting is coming!  Ooooh, excited!

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth. ” 
Well... this sucks for him! Um... I'm sure it's gonna get worse! Until someone invents the twinkie.

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.
Oh pony up and deal.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  
In great BLOODY MASSES OF TORN FLESH AND SINEW!!! BLOOD WILL SPURT FROM HIS SLICED THROAT AND...

15 But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over. ” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.  
... So... His punishment is to live forever? Wow... Ok... I guess that would suck. If you don't have hobbies... Um... wow. Way to be anti-climactic, there, Yaweh.

16 So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
He nodded off, then? (ba-dum- TSHHH!)

17  Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch.
WOAH WOAH WOAH! STOP RIGHT THERE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! Where did SHE come from!? And how does a man build a city?! And for WHAT?! His wife and kid?! Two minutes, one for Out of bounds blocking and one for misconduct!

18 To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.
That's a lot of not-mentioned-like-at-all-never-ever women to have kids with. Unless they were his siters. So... logical extrapolation... Oh man, they were doing their SISTERS! EW! If we can't do that even in modern West Virginia, then THEY shouldn't be able to do that either!

19  Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. 
Going from Adah to Zillah like a killah!

20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 
So... he wasn't the father of the people who lived in bungalows and raised cats?

21 His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes
So, the first musician. No wonder he got laid so much!

22 Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah. 
Come on down to Tubal-Cain house of forged bronze and iron. Here you will find the lowest prices on the highest quality spear heads... trinkets... shiny things... and knick knacks around. Or my naim isn't Tubal-Cain.

23  Lamech said to his wives,

“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
    wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
    a young man for injuring me.

Wait... Lamech killed someone else, too!? This whole species is terribly violent against its own members for some seriously minor differences in opinion- OH HOLY CRAP IT'S ALL TRUE!

24 If Cain is avenged seven times,
    then Lamech seventy-seven times. ”

So if Cain lives forever I live seventy seven times forever! Bah! Woe is me! At least I have my watercolors...

25 Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.” 
Ok... First, this is gonna make family reunions really awkward. Second, How will Jabal and Tubal-Cain deal with having a great-great-great-uncle that's younger than them? Unless time has no real temporal meaning and is an abstract... Dammit. I suppose it is. Well played, Einstein... well played.

26 Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh. At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.
 And there was no more boring genealogy in the bible ever!

Ashley's Haiku Challenge, 2012

Ok, here's the deal. I'm sitting beside the lovely, talented, amazing, and beautifully excellent Ashley and she's chastising me for not updating my blog. She said that she'd love me more if I updated more often (or at least it'll be like "extra credit"). This is not a guarantee, mind you... just a suggestion...

Anyway... She's gonna give me topics until she's bored and I will write a haiku about them one at a time. I will time myself, as well. No animals will be harmed in the making of this absurdity, although some cats will be offended...

Ok, it's currently 8:14... GO!

Topic: Liederhosen

Oh, odd German pant
Your suspenders call to me...
I'm glad I'm Swedish.

Topic: Ahnold

The Terminator...
Let me be the first to say
WAAAUGH AAAAUAAAGGGH GAAAUU to you.

That was totally not cheating, by the way.

Topic: Aliens

Big, almond-eyed freaks
with your lanky bodies... Still...
I would so tap that.

Topic: Swamp loggers

Swamp loggers, you and
Ice road truckers have made a
good channel go bad.

Topic: Ernest Hemmingway

The Old Man, The Sea
I mourn your loss constantly
I drink a lot, too.

Topic: Pimento cheese

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Topic: Mud butt

I would do this one
but I'm more worried about
my girlfriend's brain meats.

But seriously...
Get it? Butt seriously!
I said butt... heh heh...

Topic: Daniel Glorioso

They say they've no souls
But I beg to differ, here.
This guy is hell bound.

Topic: 80's hair metal

Shout at the devil
or at least the hairdresser
that gave you that cut.

Topic: Fluffing

You know what this is.
Guess where I met my girlfriend?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Topic: Erectile dysfunction

Leave it to her to
put the "fun" in dysfunction!
I cry bitter tears...

Topic: Batman

Gotham's dark knight has
some unresolved personal
issues to deal with.

He is clearly a
over-compensator with
Christ-like delusions

Topic: Ted Bundy

Could you help me with
these books? They are quite heavy.
What tire iron?

Time: 8:27.

Booyeah.

Song of teh post: The Snoop Dogg song that has the lyric "my sac on your tonsils."
Muse of teh post: My bb!

The Story of Rufus 'Hornswagle' Capon...

Chapter 1: Origins

Part 3: The Love of His Life

The subject of love has always been one that Rufus has been loathe to discuss. The romances he has had in the past read like a laundry list of the who's who of international society. His love affair with Moamar Gaddafi, his trysts with Greta Van Susteren, the sex tape that surfaced of him and Michael Moore, and the torrid love triangle (more like parallelogram) between him, the Arch Diocese of Canterbury, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir are all well documented but painful for him to discuss, as he enjoys his privacy in matters of love as much as we all do. However, what is the root of his love? Who does he pine for? Can we find out more about the man by the people he loved?

"I'll tell you one thing," he said to us on the second day of our interviews. "I have loved many in my life, and have the scars to prove it." He then proceeded to pull of his pants and thong and show us the actual scars on his genitalia. "This one here," he said, his voice dripping with perversion and wistfulness and pointing to a triangular shaped scar at the tip of his taint, "I got when that shark got a little carried away. This one (a long, jagged scar along the side of the shaft) was when I pulled out of that combine harvester." He then went on for an hour, pointing to the scars (both physical and emotional) that he could remember. But one scar, around the base of the shaft, he carefully avoided talking about. When asked, his eyes teared up and he smiled... "That... that's my biggest regret..."

"His name was Troy..."

We were able to find a Troy McMacintosh in his files, but only in the form of obscure references to some form of medical procedure and the bill sent to Rufus's father. We tracked down, with some difficulty, Mr. McMacintosh and sent him an email, as he didn't seem to have an address on file. What follows is the entirety of the email conversation between the author and Mr. McMacintosh...
----------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:
We are writing a book about Rufus Capon and wish to interview you about him. Our files indicate that you knew Mr. Capon years ago, and we are trying to find the people from his past to give us a deeper look at a complicated man. Any assistance would be appreciated!

Thank you in advance,
Fiendly Grimmish.
-----------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Interview request...

Fuck off.

Troy
------------------------------------------

To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh...

We would greatly appreciate your reconsidering your answer. We are willing to compensate.

F.G.
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Money first, bitches. I swear, I'll unleash my second personality on you if you push me.

Troy
------------------------------------------------
(Here followed intense negotiations regarding his fee over google chat. We settled on a fee, which Mr. Capon agreed to pay under the pretense that it was for our publisher's habit of injecting zombies (a mixture of heroin, cocaine, and Pepto Bismol) into the area between his toes.)
-----------------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Our payment went through paypal. We have a few specific questions that we'd like to ask: 1. What was Rufus like when you knew him? 2. What is the story about your love affair? 3. What is the scar around the base of his penis? 4. Where do you live right now and what are you doing?

Further questions will be asked with your cooperation.

Thank you!
Fiendly Grimmish
------------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Fiendly:

1. Rufus was insane. I've never met a man more devoted to the practice of madness and the black arts as him. I remember one time, when we were 15, of him saying he wanted to play 'doctor.' I, being a gay man, thought he was just being flirty... playing doctor was so childish! But he was insistent and, despite his acute bleeding problems and constant tooth replacement, I thought he was cute. I agreed, and he told me to meet him at his house the next day. When I got there, the entire bottom floor was white, sterile, and had medical instruments all around. I thought he was just some sort of weird medical fetishist, but I was horny and just wanted to get my end away. I laid down on the operating table. He gave me brain surgery! Without anesthesia! When I left he had drilled holes in my head because he was looking for where the thoughts lived. I have had multiple personalities ever since. My second personality is named Arthur Meatmaggot, and he scares me...

2. Our love affair was torrid and it was all give from my end. Literally. He said he loved me, but also said that the other people he had sex with were just mistakes because he had a 'wide stance' when he went to the bathroom. I had no idea what he meant by this, but he just kept singing this silly song like 'Larry Craig, Larry Craig, tap tap tap-ee!' and he would dance around and smack his penis against musical instruments, calling it 'playing geetar with a mushroom stamp'. We had sexual relations several times, and each time was more humiliating than the last for both of us. I'll never forget the time when my second personality showed up (this happens when I'm angry or terrified, which happened often with Rufus...) and when I came to, we were both in the vegetable section of the local supermarket dressed as Jesus with radishes in very difficult to reach areas. We finally broke up when I moved, with my family, to Omaha. He said he couldn't visit me there because of 'the crickets'. I still don't know what that means.

3. That scar is from my last visit to see Rufus. He wanted to play doctor again, and my second personality came to almost immediately. When I woke up, he had switched penises with me. Which was disappointing, because I was fairly well endowed and had no venereal diseases, and now I can't get rid of this case of genital warts which make my penis look like a porcupine. I've since learned that he got that case of warts from an actual porcupine. I'll never forgive him for that, but I must admit, having the money his family sends me to keep me from suing is a small comfort.

4. I live in Turkmenistan and am the senior Grand High Executioner of rodentia. Please don't try to find me.

I hope this helps. Now go away.

Troy.
-----------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Mr. McMacintosh:

We cannot thank you enough for your information. Just as a matter of legal concern, can you prove the allegation that Rufus removed your penis?
------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

I am black. Rufus is white. How the fuck can you explain a white man with a black man's penis other than that? Dumbass.

Troy.

P.S. Please, let's make this end soon...
-------------------------------------------
To: troy.mcmac@neco.gov
From: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interview request...

Thank you for your patience, Mr, McMacintosh. Just one more question. What does 'hornswagle' mean?

Thank you again,

F.G.
-------------------------------------------
To: fiendly.grimmish@perker.com
From: troy.mcmac@necro.gov
Subject: gUMMi sAwMILL... nECro lOVE fOr THEeR eSHT of US!

BORKBORKBORK i am THE SWedisH cHEf! cOOkIN' uP dem HAWT POTABOS IN TEH CRAWLSPACE! (watched the ramen bleed to death... Sawmill?) cheCK oUt mah SECKs tAEp!!! I SWEAR I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!?!?!? nEcRO LOve FOR tHE rEST of uS! UZBEKISTANI HAT DANCE!!!! FEEL DAT MEATHAMMER GROOVE!!!!! PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP PUDDIN STRIP SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL!! YoUeR gEttIN ThA hANg OF tHE PAYpeR wAitS! bOObIES hOLdING yER tAXes bACk! Have fun at the SAWMILLSAWMILLSAWMILL

ThAt THInG On DA TeRKeE'sS NeKK... I'Ts DELICIOUS RAW AND COVERED IN WHARGARBLE! WhATS A WhaRgArBLE? ItS' FouND iNa SAWMILL

VANUATU!!! ESCAPE!!! THEY'VE FOUND US!!! ALL IS LOST!!! RUN TO VANUATU!!! IMPLEMENT EVACUATION PROCEDURES NOW!!!!! VANUATU!! ALL IS LOST!!!! ThIS VeHICLe Has BeEN ChECkEd For SlEEEping ChildRENs. PlEase ReFillL ImmeDiATElY. GoinG OFF on THA DIVING BORED! Let THE JAWS COME OFF!!! nO BodY wILL bE lEFT aLIVE!!!666 666 SAWMILL SAWMILL SAWMILL!

lOVE eND sLOppy kISSES

ARTHru mEATMaggoT
-------------------------------------------

Since the last message, we only got word of Mr. McMacintosh by way of a Turkmenistani newspaper editorial that simply said "Mr. Meatmaggot (speaking for the Grand High Executioner of rodentia) says that the squirrel of Louton is now entering the dark phase and may be seen as far as the pale horse of Owensboro. We are not aware of Mr. Meatmaggot's meaning."

Next time: His First Business Partner...

I would like to make a few things perfectly clear...

This is an example of an American adult human male...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. He has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to him by the constitution. He can make his own legal decisions and be held responsible for his actions.

This is an example of an American adult human female...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. She has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to her by the constitution. She can make her own legal decisions and be held responsible for her actions.

This is an example of human children...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They have not reached the age of 18 and have, by law, to be legally reliant of their parent/parents/legal guardians. They have few rights and responsibilities endowed to them by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions, nor be held responsible for their legal actions.

This is an example of an animal (dog)...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from breed to breed. They are not human, and so do not receive the same rights and responsibilities endowed to humans by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions. They are animals, and as such have no concept of legality, which is a human invention.

This is an example of a chair...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They are not human, nor are they living, so they receive absolutely no rights or responsibilities from the government. They can not make any decision, legal or otherwise.

This is the Eiffel Tower...

There is only one Eiffel tower, so there is no variance. It is not American, nor is it sentient, and therefore does not recieve any rights or responsibilities from the government. It can not make any decisions, and even if it could, it is not American, therefore any legal decisions made are only binding in France (theoretical decisions, of course).

Now that we've cleared some things up, we can extrapolate. The only two entities on the list that a) have the legal rights endowed by the constitution to make their own legally binding decisions and b) are able to execute those by virtue of their ages are the adult American human males and adult American human females. Therefore, there is no logical legal reason for these two...


or these two...


or these two...


to receive the exact same rights. These rights include the right to vote, drive, pay taxes, and marry. And, because it is legal, for this...


Which is much more of a threat to marriage than any of the above situations.

Got it? Can we move on now?

Song of teh post: Gay Bar, by Electric Six
Crazy, creepy, GOP campaign manager of teh post: Tamara Scott, Manager for the Bachman Campaign.

Not gonna get angry... Not gonna get angry...

I can appreciate a lot of abstract things. The philosophy of post-modernism in which we don't really KNOW anything, and what we perceive is filtered through too many cultural biases for us to really be sure of its veracity... I can try to think like that and succeed... I think...

But things that are so blatantly ridiculous, so patently absurd, so... so weird... I can't get behind thinking like that. Take this complaint. I got this article from the Chicago Daily Herald (http://www.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/faith-and-values/bishops-say-government-eroding-religious-liberty/article_6fa06089-9c04-5685-b0e8-1d018045657f.html)

As usual, my snark filled and 'intolerant' remarks will be in italics...

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops vowed Monday to defend their religious liberty in the face of growing acceptance of gay marriage and what they called attempts by secularists to marginalize faith. Off to a GREAT start. Because we all know that denying basic rights to people is a cornerstone of the church's dogma. When they stop getting government handouts and tax-free status and aren't the RICHEST religion in the world that preaches the benefits of suffering and poverty, then I'll listen to their complaints. Until then... Well...

Bishop William Lori, leader of a new national religious liberty committee, condemned federal and state policies that he said interfered with the church's ability to provide social services, from health care to immigrant support to international aid. And when we become an entirely religious nation, fully under the control of the vatican, then we will bow to Lori's wishes.

In Illinois, government officials stopped working with Catholic Charities on adoptions and foster-care placements after 40 years because the agency refused to recognize a new civil union law. Illinois bishops had sued the state but on Monday said they would stop the legal fight and no longer provide state-funded services. The mere fact that the church is doling out STATE-FUNDED SERVICES is a huge red flag.

In New York, the bishops, along with Orthodox Jewish leaders and others, have complained that the religious exception in this year's law allowing gay marriage is too weak to be effective. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. But you can't deny people state funded services because of your religion. That is a functional definition of prejudice. Welcome to civil rights 101.

On the federal level, the bishops have been pressing the Health and Human Services Department during its public comment period for a broader religious exception to part of President Barack Obama's health care overhaul that mandates private insurers pay for contraception. Typical. Blastocysts have more importance than actual humans. This kind of dogmatic, unquestioning loyalty attached to privilege and entitlement makes me urk.

"We should not be obliged to provide services or other initiatives that are contrary to our conscience," said Lori, bishop of Bridgeport, Conn. "We don't need the government forcing our hand." Then refuse tax exempt status. Remove chaplains from the military. Refuse to be a sponsor of schools. Stop trying to get prayer into sports games. Close your private schools. Repeal the 1970 Walz Supreme Court decision. Stop blocking legislation that supports planned parenthood. YOU are forcing the hands of the SECULARIST IDEALS that this government should be founded on. And quit being dicks.

Archbishop Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, said the bishops are not just reacting to Obama's policies, but to a broader society in a "drive to neuter religion" and "push religion back into the sacristy." Wow! The gall! To be a member of the richest, most privileged religion in the richest, most privileged society and to complain about how you don't want to follow the rules of that society... You have balls of solid marble.

"That's a cultural issue that the church has been concerned about forever, not just in the United States," Dolan said. Remember when the church was in charge of everything, including culture and social health? It was called the dark ages.

But Dolan said he discussed the church's concerns with Obama when the two men met last week in the Oval Office. The archbishop said Obama was "extraordinarily friendly" and "very ardent" in reassuring Dolan that the administration would look into the problems. What problems? To make the church do what it should do under a secular government? Does anyone see a problem with this?

"I left there feeling a bit more at peace with this issue than when I entered," Dolan said. Glad the great capitulator could stroke your ego, Dolan.

Religious freedom was the main focus at the fall meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, which has public sessions through Tuesday. "Item number two on the agenda: How to keep kids quiet about the whole... you know..."

The new religious liberty committee that church leaders formed met for the first time. Anthony Picarello, general counsel for the conference, will oversee that work, which will include hiring a lobbyist and another attorney.

Picarello had worked for seven years at the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, a public-interest law firm based in Washington, and also served on an advisory committee for Obama's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships.

Bishops hope to persuade federal lawmakers to retain the Defense of Marriage Act, which passed in 1996, and launched a new website called Marriageuniqueforareason.org. Obama has said his administration would no longer defend the law, calling it "counter to the Constitution." Bishops said it was wrong to describe their religious convictions as discrimination. When it is discrimination, it will be called that. And don't you dare try to make yourselves out to be the ones taking the moral high ground. That's akin to the slavery you condoned because the bible approved it. Human laws are invariably more moral than religious ones because human laws can change. Deal with it.

"The church has nothing against compromise, but we can't compromise principle," Dolan said. "Not only will we not compromise principle, we'll demand you conform to our ideals. See? We're not against compromise."

The bishops are confronting the Health and Human Services Department on another front. The government agency recently decided not to renew a contract held since 2006 by the bishops' refugee services office to help victims of human trafficking. What?

The American Civil Liberties Union is suing to stop the agency from making grants to groups who "impose religiously based restrictions on reproductive health services" for human trafficking victims. The women are often raped and forced into prostitution by their captors. WHAT?! This is the definition of evil. Refusing to allow women who were raped and forced into prostitution reproductive health services? The church has NO moral high ground to stand on now.

The bishops' conference has called the decision biased against Catholic beliefs. "Rape and torture are bad, but nowhere near as bad as RU-486". Agency officials vehemently deny any bias and say the sole criteria for evaluating potential grantees was which group could best serve the victims. Administration officials note that the vast network of Catholic social service nonprofits, including the bishops' conference, receives hundreds of millions of dollars in government funding in amounts that have increased in the last couple of years. You have more of a duty to your dogma than to human beings? That's horrible. Evil.

"We should not be at a disadvantage competing for contracts because we bring certain convictions to the table," Lori said. The only convictions I see are crimes against humanity on the part of the church, but that's just me, I guess.

Does anyone else feel unrighteous indignation boiling up inside them now?

Fuck it. Here's a picture of a small cute animal.



Song of teh post: Anti-Pope, by The Damned
Atheist saint of teh post: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu

Man... That was weird...

Ok, so I was hanging out with my girlfriend at her apartment last weekend. She was at work, and I was just watching some roller derby DVDs, waiting for her to come home so we could hang out with the rest of the young, hip and trendy. I should have known something was wrong earlier in the day when I noticed that my eyes were glowing red, but I put that down to a natural symptom of living in Kentucky.


When all of a sudden I thought... "Man, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if she has any beer in her fridge." I'm not an alcoholic, by the way. It WAS Saturday night. So shut up.


So I sauntered jauntily over to the ice box to see if she had anything of the fizzy boozy type.


Alas...


So I did what any of us would have done...



All of a sudden, I got this funny feeling. I thought to myself "Self, what exactly do they make this stuff out of?" I then tried to say something but my lip went numb.


It started to get really hot and I began to sweat... but this wasn't any normal sweat...



It started to spread...


Of course, I am a scientist, so after the initial shock wore off, I decided to study this strange phenomenon. I was slightly disturbed that this strange sweat covered almost my entire face, but I wanted to let things happen...


I was NOT prepared for my hair to turn silver and grow at an alarming rate, however.


I ran to the bathroom to see what exactly was going on. My teeth started to rot... That was disconcerting...


However, after a strange growth developed on my face where the sweat wasn't, and after grabbing a top hat, I realized that I actually liked this new look. This may have been the disease talking, I'll admit.


I looked in the mirror and tried to say "You know what, I don't really mind this new look! I think I'll go out on the town tonight and show it off." What came out was "Cor, blimey! I'm lookin' like a wall street plonker! I'm gonna go to the nuclear sub and give everyone a butchers." I had turned cockney. I had turned into...

The Hitcher.

Just then my girlfriend came home. I gave her a sip of the beer, hoping she would turn into a wintergreen nightmare like me. She turned into Daria.

I had no problem with this.

So we spent a night on the town! Went to a piano bar where it was 80's night, and all the Journey and Foreigner instantly made me want to kill. I strolled up to the bar and said "Pint of the black stuff, landlord." He poured me a Guinness. Then I jabbed him in the gums with a screwdriver. This pleased me.


Daria was not impressed. She was, however, hot, so I didn't mind.


Then I decided to be all creepy in an alley. I did this purely for my own amusement. That and the murdering.


We strolled up to another bar and I sat down for a drink. Someone passed me something called a furry belly button or something. I wasn't sure about it, but hey... free drink.


I took a sip and things began to get all fuzzy... for me AND the camera, apparently...


The next thing I remember I woke up. All was back to normal. I wasn't green, I had a ripping hangover, but I was my normal, pink self again... Until I rolled over and saw who I had ended up going home with...


The moral of the story... NEVER drink Keystone Ice.

Song of teh post: Eels, by The Mighty Boosh Feat. The Hitcher
Awesomeness of teh post: Someone recognized my character and asked to take their picture with me! I stabbed him with a frozen eel.

Literally the bible... Paht 3

Yep... I'm doing it again...

1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
Her first thought was probably something like "He did, but I don't know why," instead of "HOLY FUCKING WOMBATS A TALKING FUCKING SNAKE!!!"

2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,
"Because we have been for most of our evolutionary paths... Err... I mean..."

3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
Wait... How did Eve know? God only told Adam not to eat from the tree. Someone get Lucasfilms on the phone... I think Han just shot first...

4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
"Trust me. I'm a fucking talking snake."

5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Well... that's true. Why did God keep that information to himself? Wouldn't full disclosure be better than just merely commanding people to follow rules unquestioningly, lest you actually learn something? I'm sensing the beginnings of a pattern here.

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
Pfft... Typical women. Trying to learn things and think.

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
This is a good and bad thing. I would love to live in a world where Fairuza Balk walked around nude, but dread the idea of a world where Danny Devito was sans panties.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
I bet the Lord stomps around like he owns the place.

9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
"Why don't you know?"

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
"Ye should be afraid, for I shall rend you with my holy staff in your dangly bits."

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
I'm sure Adam was all kicking the ground with his fig leaf shoe and saying something like "Noooo... Well I did but it was Eve's fault!"

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
And everything afterwards was women's fault.

13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
No, the serpent told the truth. You just lied for the first time. First lie evar!

14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.
I don't know... I think the dung beetle is more cursed. Or the gay black republicans.

15 And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush[b] your head, and you will strike his heel.”
Honestly... I have no idea what this means.

16 To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
"Except for Ellen Degeneres and K. D. Lang."

17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.
"Until I invent then condone slavery. Then the food you eat shall come from somebody else's painful toil. Women are still screwed in the childbearing thing."

18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.
Thorns, I think, will be a serious problem for another of God's children. Stay tuned!

19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”
"And in between the taking and returning, you shall poop. This curse, above all else, is the worst."

20 Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.
She didn't have a name beforehand? Is this that traditional marriage thing I've been hearing so much about?

21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.
Later, these skins will become fashionable in parts of Paris and New York through clothing designers that make so much money God would plotz.

22 And the LORD God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”
Ok, here's the tree of life thingy. Where's THAT tree? I want the life fruit! And if we had eternal life before, as is explained by that dust to dust comment, why was there a fruit that we shouldn't eat that granted that exact thing that we have already? This is the kind of logical inconsistency that I thrive on.

23 So the LORD God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
But before that, he said unto himself, "I REALLY should have seen that one coming!"

24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
And this phenomenon shall herald the election of Michelle Bachman. And all shall be lost.

Stay tuned next time. Are you gonna kill your brother? I will, I'm not Able! (yuk yuk)