Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Literally the bible... Paht 3

Yep... I'm doing it again...

1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
Her first thought was probably something like "He did, but I don't know why," instead of "HOLY FUCKING WOMBATS A TALKING FUCKING SNAKE!!!"

2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,
"Because we have been for most of our evolutionary paths... Err... I mean..."

3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
Wait... How did Eve know? God only told Adam not to eat from the tree. Someone get Lucasfilms on the phone... I think Han just shot first...

4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
"Trust me. I'm a fucking talking snake."

5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Well... that's true. Why did God keep that information to himself? Wouldn't full disclosure be better than just merely commanding people to follow rules unquestioningly, lest you actually learn something? I'm sensing the beginnings of a pattern here.

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
Pfft... Typical women. Trying to learn things and think.

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
This is a good and bad thing. I would love to live in a world where Fairuza Balk walked around nude, but dread the idea of a world where Danny Devito was sans panties.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
I bet the Lord stomps around like he owns the place.

9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
"Why don't you know?"

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
"Ye should be afraid, for I shall rend you with my holy staff in your dangly bits."

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
I'm sure Adam was all kicking the ground with his fig leaf shoe and saying something like "Noooo... Well I did but it was Eve's fault!"

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
And everything afterwards was women's fault.

13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
No, the serpent told the truth. You just lied for the first time. First lie evar!

14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.
I don't know... I think the dung beetle is more cursed. Or the gay black republicans.

15 And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush[b] your head, and you will strike his heel.”
Honestly... I have no idea what this means.

16 To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
"Except for Ellen Degeneres and K. D. Lang."

17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.
"Until I invent then condone slavery. Then the food you eat shall come from somebody else's painful toil. Women are still screwed in the childbearing thing."

18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.
Thorns, I think, will be a serious problem for another of God's children. Stay tuned!

19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”
"And in between the taking and returning, you shall poop. This curse, above all else, is the worst."

20 Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.
She didn't have a name beforehand? Is this that traditional marriage thing I've been hearing so much about?

21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.
Later, these skins will become fashionable in parts of Paris and New York through clothing designers that make so much money God would plotz.

22 And the LORD God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”
Ok, here's the tree of life thingy. Where's THAT tree? I want the life fruit! And if we had eternal life before, as is explained by that dust to dust comment, why was there a fruit that we shouldn't eat that granted that exact thing that we have already? This is the kind of logical inconsistency that I thrive on.

23 So the LORD God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
But before that, he said unto himself, "I REALLY should have seen that one coming!"

24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
And this phenomenon shall herald the election of Michelle Bachman. And all shall be lost.

Stay tuned next time. Are you gonna kill your brother? I will, I'm not Able! (yuk yuk)