I would like to make a few things perfectly clear...

This is an example of an American adult human male...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. He has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to him by the constitution. He can make his own legal decisions and be held responsible for his actions.

This is an example of an American adult human female...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. She has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to her by the constitution. She can make her own legal decisions and be held responsible for her actions.

This is an example of human children...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They have not reached the age of 18 and have, by law, to be legally reliant of their parent/parents/legal guardians. They have few rights and responsibilities endowed to them by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions, nor be held responsible for their legal actions.

This is an example of an animal (dog)...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from breed to breed. They are not human, and so do not receive the same rights and responsibilities endowed to humans by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions. They are animals, and as such have no concept of legality, which is a human invention.

This is an example of a chair...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They are not human, nor are they living, so they receive absolutely no rights or responsibilities from the government. They can not make any decision, legal or otherwise.

This is the Eiffel Tower...

There is only one Eiffel tower, so there is no variance. It is not American, nor is it sentient, and therefore does not recieve any rights or responsibilities from the government. It can not make any decisions, and even if it could, it is not American, therefore any legal decisions made are only binding in France (theoretical decisions, of course).

Now that we've cleared some things up, we can extrapolate. The only two entities on the list that a) have the legal rights endowed by the constitution to make their own legally binding decisions and b) are able to execute those by virtue of their ages are the adult American human males and adult American human females. Therefore, there is no logical legal reason for these two...


or these two...


or these two...


to receive the exact same rights. These rights include the right to vote, drive, pay taxes, and marry. And, because it is legal, for this...


Which is much more of a threat to marriage than any of the above situations.

Got it? Can we move on now?

Song of teh post: Gay Bar, by Electric Six
Crazy, creepy, GOP campaign manager of teh post: Tamara Scott, Manager for the Bachman Campaign.

Not gonna get angry... Not gonna get angry...

I can appreciate a lot of abstract things. The philosophy of post-modernism in which we don't really KNOW anything, and what we perceive is filtered through too many cultural biases for us to really be sure of its veracity... I can try to think like that and succeed... I think...

But things that are so blatantly ridiculous, so patently absurd, so... so weird... I can't get behind thinking like that. Take this complaint. I got this article from the Chicago Daily Herald (http://www.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/faith-and-values/bishops-say-government-eroding-religious-liberty/article_6fa06089-9c04-5685-b0e8-1d018045657f.html)

As usual, my snark filled and 'intolerant' remarks will be in italics...

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops vowed Monday to defend their religious liberty in the face of growing acceptance of gay marriage and what they called attempts by secularists to marginalize faith. Off to a GREAT start. Because we all know that denying basic rights to people is a cornerstone of the church's dogma. When they stop getting government handouts and tax-free status and aren't the RICHEST religion in the world that preaches the benefits of suffering and poverty, then I'll listen to their complaints. Until then... Well...

Bishop William Lori, leader of a new national religious liberty committee, condemned federal and state policies that he said interfered with the church's ability to provide social services, from health care to immigrant support to international aid. And when we become an entirely religious nation, fully under the control of the vatican, then we will bow to Lori's wishes.

In Illinois, government officials stopped working with Catholic Charities on adoptions and foster-care placements after 40 years because the agency refused to recognize a new civil union law. Illinois bishops had sued the state but on Monday said they would stop the legal fight and no longer provide state-funded services. The mere fact that the church is doling out STATE-FUNDED SERVICES is a huge red flag.

In New York, the bishops, along with Orthodox Jewish leaders and others, have complained that the religious exception in this year's law allowing gay marriage is too weak to be effective. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. But you can't deny people state funded services because of your religion. That is a functional definition of prejudice. Welcome to civil rights 101.

On the federal level, the bishops have been pressing the Health and Human Services Department during its public comment period for a broader religious exception to part of President Barack Obama's health care overhaul that mandates private insurers pay for contraception. Typical. Blastocysts have more importance than actual humans. This kind of dogmatic, unquestioning loyalty attached to privilege and entitlement makes me urk.

"We should not be obliged to provide services or other initiatives that are contrary to our conscience," said Lori, bishop of Bridgeport, Conn. "We don't need the government forcing our hand." Then refuse tax exempt status. Remove chaplains from the military. Refuse to be a sponsor of schools. Stop trying to get prayer into sports games. Close your private schools. Repeal the 1970 Walz Supreme Court decision. Stop blocking legislation that supports planned parenthood. YOU are forcing the hands of the SECULARIST IDEALS that this government should be founded on. And quit being dicks.

Archbishop Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, said the bishops are not just reacting to Obama's policies, but to a broader society in a "drive to neuter religion" and "push religion back into the sacristy." Wow! The gall! To be a member of the richest, most privileged religion in the richest, most privileged society and to complain about how you don't want to follow the rules of that society... You have balls of solid marble.

"That's a cultural issue that the church has been concerned about forever, not just in the United States," Dolan said. Remember when the church was in charge of everything, including culture and social health? It was called the dark ages.

But Dolan said he discussed the church's concerns with Obama when the two men met last week in the Oval Office. The archbishop said Obama was "extraordinarily friendly" and "very ardent" in reassuring Dolan that the administration would look into the problems. What problems? To make the church do what it should do under a secular government? Does anyone see a problem with this?

"I left there feeling a bit more at peace with this issue than when I entered," Dolan said. Glad the great capitulator could stroke your ego, Dolan.

Religious freedom was the main focus at the fall meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, which has public sessions through Tuesday. "Item number two on the agenda: How to keep kids quiet about the whole... you know..."

The new religious liberty committee that church leaders formed met for the first time. Anthony Picarello, general counsel for the conference, will oversee that work, which will include hiring a lobbyist and another attorney.

Picarello had worked for seven years at the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, a public-interest law firm based in Washington, and also served on an advisory committee for Obama's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships.

Bishops hope to persuade federal lawmakers to retain the Defense of Marriage Act, which passed in 1996, and launched a new website called Marriageuniqueforareason.org. Obama has said his administration would no longer defend the law, calling it "counter to the Constitution." Bishops said it was wrong to describe their religious convictions as discrimination. When it is discrimination, it will be called that. And don't you dare try to make yourselves out to be the ones taking the moral high ground. That's akin to the slavery you condoned because the bible approved it. Human laws are invariably more moral than religious ones because human laws can change. Deal with it.

"The church has nothing against compromise, but we can't compromise principle," Dolan said. "Not only will we not compromise principle, we'll demand you conform to our ideals. See? We're not against compromise."

The bishops are confronting the Health and Human Services Department on another front. The government agency recently decided not to renew a contract held since 2006 by the bishops' refugee services office to help victims of human trafficking. What?

The American Civil Liberties Union is suing to stop the agency from making grants to groups who "impose religiously based restrictions on reproductive health services" for human trafficking victims. The women are often raped and forced into prostitution by their captors. WHAT?! This is the definition of evil. Refusing to allow women who were raped and forced into prostitution reproductive health services? The church has NO moral high ground to stand on now.

The bishops' conference has called the decision biased against Catholic beliefs. "Rape and torture are bad, but nowhere near as bad as RU-486". Agency officials vehemently deny any bias and say the sole criteria for evaluating potential grantees was which group could best serve the victims. Administration officials note that the vast network of Catholic social service nonprofits, including the bishops' conference, receives hundreds of millions of dollars in government funding in amounts that have increased in the last couple of years. You have more of a duty to your dogma than to human beings? That's horrible. Evil.

"We should not be at a disadvantage competing for contracts because we bring certain convictions to the table," Lori said. The only convictions I see are crimes against humanity on the part of the church, but that's just me, I guess.

Does anyone else feel unrighteous indignation boiling up inside them now?

Fuck it. Here's a picture of a small cute animal.



Song of teh post: Anti-Pope, by The Damned
Atheist saint of teh post: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu

Man... That was weird...

Ok, so I was hanging out with my girlfriend at her apartment last weekend. She was at work, and I was just watching some roller derby DVDs, waiting for her to come home so we could hang out with the rest of the young, hip and trendy. I should have known something was wrong earlier in the day when I noticed that my eyes were glowing red, but I put that down to a natural symptom of living in Kentucky.


When all of a sudden I thought... "Man, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if she has any beer in her fridge." I'm not an alcoholic, by the way. It WAS Saturday night. So shut up.


So I sauntered jauntily over to the ice box to see if she had anything of the fizzy boozy type.


Alas...


So I did what any of us would have done...



All of a sudden, I got this funny feeling. I thought to myself "Self, what exactly do they make this stuff out of?" I then tried to say something but my lip went numb.


It started to get really hot and I began to sweat... but this wasn't any normal sweat...



It started to spread...


Of course, I am a scientist, so after the initial shock wore off, I decided to study this strange phenomenon. I was slightly disturbed that this strange sweat covered almost my entire face, but I wanted to let things happen...


I was NOT prepared for my hair to turn silver and grow at an alarming rate, however.


I ran to the bathroom to see what exactly was going on. My teeth started to rot... That was disconcerting...


However, after a strange growth developed on my face where the sweat wasn't, and after grabbing a top hat, I realized that I actually liked this new look. This may have been the disease talking, I'll admit.


I looked in the mirror and tried to say "You know what, I don't really mind this new look! I think I'll go out on the town tonight and show it off." What came out was "Cor, blimey! I'm lookin' like a wall street plonker! I'm gonna go to the nuclear sub and give everyone a butchers." I had turned cockney. I had turned into...

The Hitcher.

Just then my girlfriend came home. I gave her a sip of the beer, hoping she would turn into a wintergreen nightmare like me. She turned into Daria.

I had no problem with this.

So we spent a night on the town! Went to a piano bar where it was 80's night, and all the Journey and Foreigner instantly made me want to kill. I strolled up to the bar and said "Pint of the black stuff, landlord." He poured me a Guinness. Then I jabbed him in the gums with a screwdriver. This pleased me.


Daria was not impressed. She was, however, hot, so I didn't mind.


Then I decided to be all creepy in an alley. I did this purely for my own amusement. That and the murdering.


We strolled up to another bar and I sat down for a drink. Someone passed me something called a furry belly button or something. I wasn't sure about it, but hey... free drink.


I took a sip and things began to get all fuzzy... for me AND the camera, apparently...


The next thing I remember I woke up. All was back to normal. I wasn't green, I had a ripping hangover, but I was my normal, pink self again... Until I rolled over and saw who I had ended up going home with...


The moral of the story... NEVER drink Keystone Ice.

Song of teh post: Eels, by The Mighty Boosh Feat. The Hitcher
Awesomeness of teh post: Someone recognized my character and asked to take their picture with me! I stabbed him with a frozen eel.

Literally the bible... Paht 3

Yep... I'm doing it again...

1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
Her first thought was probably something like "He did, but I don't know why," instead of "HOLY FUCKING WOMBATS A TALKING FUCKING SNAKE!!!"

2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,
"Because we have been for most of our evolutionary paths... Err... I mean..."

3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
Wait... How did Eve know? God only told Adam not to eat from the tree. Someone get Lucasfilms on the phone... I think Han just shot first...

4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
"Trust me. I'm a fucking talking snake."

5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Well... that's true. Why did God keep that information to himself? Wouldn't full disclosure be better than just merely commanding people to follow rules unquestioningly, lest you actually learn something? I'm sensing the beginnings of a pattern here.

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
Pfft... Typical women. Trying to learn things and think.

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
This is a good and bad thing. I would love to live in a world where Fairuza Balk walked around nude, but dread the idea of a world where Danny Devito was sans panties.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
I bet the Lord stomps around like he owns the place.

9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
"Why don't you know?"

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
"Ye should be afraid, for I shall rend you with my holy staff in your dangly bits."

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
I'm sure Adam was all kicking the ground with his fig leaf shoe and saying something like "Noooo... Well I did but it was Eve's fault!"

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
And everything afterwards was women's fault.

13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
No, the serpent told the truth. You just lied for the first time. First lie evar!

14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.
I don't know... I think the dung beetle is more cursed. Or the gay black republicans.

15 And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush[b] your head, and you will strike his heel.”
Honestly... I have no idea what this means.

16 To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
"Except for Ellen Degeneres and K. D. Lang."

17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.
"Until I invent then condone slavery. Then the food you eat shall come from somebody else's painful toil. Women are still screwed in the childbearing thing."

18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.
Thorns, I think, will be a serious problem for another of God's children. Stay tuned!

19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”
"And in between the taking and returning, you shall poop. This curse, above all else, is the worst."

20 Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.
She didn't have a name beforehand? Is this that traditional marriage thing I've been hearing so much about?

21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.
Later, these skins will become fashionable in parts of Paris and New York through clothing designers that make so much money God would plotz.

22 And the LORD God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”
Ok, here's the tree of life thingy. Where's THAT tree? I want the life fruit! And if we had eternal life before, as is explained by that dust to dust comment, why was there a fruit that we shouldn't eat that granted that exact thing that we have already? This is the kind of logical inconsistency that I thrive on.

23 So the LORD God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
But before that, he said unto himself, "I REALLY should have seen that one coming!"

24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
And this phenomenon shall herald the election of Michelle Bachman. And all shall be lost.

Stay tuned next time. Are you gonna kill your brother? I will, I'm not Able! (yuk yuk)

I can't believe that I'm having to say this.

(Forgive the scattershot form of this post. I'm too pissed off to edit.)

So I spent a lovely weekend with wonderful people doing things that I love. When I left on Friday, there was no debt deal. Even though it is a silly debate to begin with, due to the clause in the 14th amendment stating that the president is the baws in this kind of situation, and popular support is behind the democrats, and et cetera, I was confident that the republicans would be able to see that their opinion wasn't sustainable and the democrats wouldn't get much of what they wanted, but at least it wouldn't be a wash out.

Then I came home and cruised some news sites. The republicans have gotten away with it. Again. I'm about to speak to the democrats, so I hope I can be forgiven for all my effluent.

Democrats...

FUCK YOU.

You spineless, whimpering, toads. You excrement. For the first time in a long time I'm madder at you than I am at the republicans. You shit-for-guts useless backstabbing weasels. All the support I gave you, all the times I defended you against the ridiculous accusations of "both parties are the same," all the ways that I can prove that what's going on is going to kill the country, all the ways that the hypocrisy on the right is so blatant, obvious, and fucking out-and-out stupid... You still do this. You give them what they want. At a time when most of the country was supporting you in saying that the republican debt was the REPUBLICANS fault, that holding the country hostage and playing this dangerous game was bad for the right and made the left look reasonable, when the entire world was waiting on pins and needles because our ridiculous, unsustainable form of economy is somehow a linchpin for the rest of the world's money systems, when... FUCK. Does it even matter to you anymore?

You were elected because you said you were DIFFERENT than them! You wanted to champion causes that helped EVERYONE, not just the top five percent. I can't believe I believed in you. Sure, you lost the majority in the house in 2010, but that's because of idiots like Glenn Beck and the people who follow him. They're upset that the white house isn't white anymore. FUCK THEM. They're a fringe element with a very loud voice. They're idiots. They don't want the government to touch their entitlements that the government gives them. You really want people with that kind of cognitive dissonance in their heads rushing to the head of a major political party? No you do not.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU!!!!!

I am so sick of living in a country that's run by the elite who say they're down to earth on behalf of the down to earth who say that they're elite! THE WAY THINGS ARE HAPPENING ISN'T WORKING. THE ONLY THING TO DO NOW IS CHANGE IT. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DIFFICULT CONCEPT... PLEASE ADJUST YOUR METHODS.

Capitulating isn't working. When Boehner says "move closer to us and we'll move as well" he means "move closer to us and we'll move farther away from you." If you're not gonna use your fucking brains and learn that 1.) The whole world thinks we're complete morons; 2.) The whole world is terrified of the little political games you keep letting the right win; 3.) We're the only industrialized country whose quality of life is on the whole miserable and getting worse; 4.) We've tried this "tiny government" thing before in the early 1900's and it led to some of the worst decades our country has experienced; 5.) IF WE DON'T START TRYING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE SOON WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE MUCH OF A WORLD LEFT!!!!!, then please step down and let the republicans hurry up and destroy the country. I'm almost done with this shit. I'll continue to vote for you... despite the evidence, you have the most power to get the whole thing straightened out, but I'll be voting for you drunk. Because like an anonymous, drunk screw, doing it will fill me with shame and regret almost immediately afterwards. Why?

Because fuck you, that's why.

Song of teh post: Eve of Destruction, by Barry McGuire
Hope of teh post: Hope? Don't make me laugh. My throat is sore from screaming.

Literally the bible... part 2

Oh man... Here we go again...
GENESIS, CH. 2 (New International Version)


¹ Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

So, we left off with the earth all done n' shit.

² By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

Because being all powerful and able to do anything at all at any time is exhausting. Wait... what?

³ Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Ok, the nap He took makes us have to grovel in churches and sing hymns in boring, monotone fashion? I'm jumping ahead here, forgive me (hehehe, like he has a choice!)

⁴ This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the LORD God made the earth and the heavens.

But we went through this last chapter! How would your book sell if the second chapter was just the characters saying things like "remember how we used to ..." and then recounting the entire thing?

⁵ Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground,

But he made the water before the land. That's what happened in the previous chapter, isn't it?

⁶ but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground.

^Sigh...

⁷ Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Ok, on a side note here, if we extrapolate this, we can assume that once a person starts breathing, they have been fully created. Ergo, life starts at the first breath and not at conception. This leaves the abortion debate a moot point. Fetuses don't breathe. But I'm getting ahead of myself again. So man was made of mud and had the breath of life breathed into him by god. I wonder what god's breath smelled like. I'm picturing pepper and mangoes, but I'm just guessing.

⁸ Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed.

^{So man was originally created as a landscaper.}

⁹ The LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

So the tree of life and the tree of knowledge were separate trees? What happens if you eat from both trees? Would you live forever and know the difference between good and evil? If so, you'd be a damn sight cooler than you are now. What were you thinking? Idiot... next time eat BOTH fruit!

¹⁰ A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters.

^{Ok, we have our first bit of geography. Rivers flowed from Eden.}

¹¹ The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold.

I feel like a Hardy boy! "Ok, we have a place where four rivers diverge and there's a lot of gold!"

¹² (The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.)

^{"Now we have even more information! This mystery will solve itself in no time!"}

¹³ The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush.

Pfft... No... I won't... Can't... Will not compare ZZ Top to the bible... Can't stop... I said lord take me downtown, I'm just lookin' for some Cush!

¹⁴ The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.

Now we can find out where it is. I am so gonna find this place! And build a Wal-Mart!

¹⁵ The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

"And don't sleep with my wife like the last landscaper did! Had to send him and the entire staff to hell!"

¹⁶ And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden;

^{"Ok... Where's the bacon tree?"}

¹⁷ but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

"Sounds legit. Don't eat the poisoned stuff. I sure hope someone doesn't come along and tempts me into eating the fruit... that person would doom their entire group to millenia of suffering and oppression at the hands of the group of people who were stupid enough to fall for it! Imagine how THAT would be!"

¹⁸ The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

"For I am sick of seeing him shagging the dog."

¹⁹ Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.

^{"Australopithicus aferensis, Australopithicus africanus, Homo habilus, Homo heidelbergensis, Homo erectus, and Homo neanderthalus, We don't need you anymore, thanks. The line for extinction forms on the left."}

²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

^{"Dammit! Who's gonna make me sammiches and open my beer?"}

²¹ So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.

Yeah, my frat buddies did that to me at the pledge week, too. They also drew a dick on my forehead. (Just kidding, I'd never join a fraternity!)

²² Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

"So finally my sticky-outy bit won't be so confusing!"

²³ The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

See that!? Who gave the original gift of life? Just 'cause you women do it now doesn't mean that we haven't in the past! It was our idea! Bro-burned!

²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

... Ew.

²⁵ Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Because they were HAWT!

Stay tuned because next time Eve screws it all up. Leave it to a woman...

Acrophonology and me...

According to the website "Acrophonology and You" at (http://www.acrophonology.net/acroprog.php), my full name is not an accident. My name was either given to me by fates or I was shaped by my given name (it doesn't specify... I'm going with the second though. Seems more valid (gigglesnort)). In either case, I typed my name in the bars (only first, middle and last were available... what about Prince? Madonna? William Thomas Jefferson Clinton?) and got the following... (I'm not dumb enough to put my full name on my blog... what are you, crazy?)

"****-You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing.

********-Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You enjoy make-believe and fantasy. It is hard for you to forget injustices. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. It is important to you that you make your own way in the world. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You tend to be private and secretive. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. Your independence and freedom are important to you. You will work long and hard to attain your goals. You are not a quitter.

****-You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You enjoy socializing and entertaining. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others."

Standard vague tosh that any other practitioner of the "alternative" arts and awareness will charge you a hundred bucks a session for. But then I got an idea. Let's play a little game!

Who is this...

********-You are an overly sensitive person, often falling into a savior-martyr role. You are very skeptical and have more than your share of bad luck. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You have a discriminate nature coupled with perseverance and family pride. You need to learn flexibility. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

******-You make impersonal decisions quickly, but not so with personal concerns. You like to think things over carefully, but tend to be indecisive. You are a constructive thinker. You have a need for monetary security. You can be very practical, down-to-earth and trustworthy. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You enjoy make-believe and fantasy. It is hard for you to forget injustices.

******-You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You have high aspirations and a cheery disposition. You have a great deal of pride. You enjoy being on center stage. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You enjoy socializing and entertaining. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You enjoy socializing and entertaining.

Give up?
It's this guy.
Yeah, that's right... it's Ted Bundy. His given name was Theodore Robert Cowell. I especially like the bit about "You can be very practical, down-to-earth and trustworthy. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong."

Gigglesnort again.

Ok, one more... Who is this?

******-You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

*******-Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You are always involved with projects and things to do.

*******-You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You take pleasure in your creative comforts. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job. You are curious and you enjoy rapping with friends.

It's this guy...
Herman Goering, Reichsmarschall of the Nazi Regime and Hitler's second in command.

How about one more tiny morsel...

*****-You have a tendency to resist change. Don't miss opportunities for growth. You have a love of creature comforts, but must learn to handle money. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

********-Status is important to you and your ability to achieve success and earn money. You have a need to be noticed and seek status. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be assertive and aggressive when the occasion arises. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You tend to be private and secretive. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You can go to extremes in all you do.

*******-You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You can go to extremes in all you do. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your use of reason and logic is strong. You enjoy communicating. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status. You want to be self-supporting. You have a sensuous nature, which you do not openly show.

It's her...
Belle Gunness, American serial killer with a body count of at least 30.

Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover.

Song of teh post: Gary Gilmore's Eyes, by The Adverts
Weird juxtaposition of teh post: "You want to be self-supporting" in Belle's description. She attracted men who had money, married them, killed them, fed them to pigs, and then ate the pigs.

The little things in life

Sorry about this, but I woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning. For some reason, today things are really getting on my nerves. So I'mma do it to you...

The little things in life that will accumulate in my psyche until I become a serial killer (hardly a complete list):

-Being honestly intrigued about the legalization of certain drugs, the effects that that would have on our culture, economy, and justice areas (prison population in particular), and being very curious about the arguments on both sides of the issue, even though I'm fairly certain I'm for it, then trying to research it and finding most of the websites concerning it are by stoners who can't string a sentence longer than "Legalize it!" together, along with pictures of dried bunches of purple/green leaves.

-On a related note, people who justify their drug use as "expanding mind" bull. It seems that they must have a enlightenment based reason for their desire to get high. Just be honest and admit you like getting messed up, not caring for a while, and checking out of your normal state of mind for a bit. Don't make it sound like you're doing this for the good of humankind. Toke, sleep, go back to work. You are not a shaman.

-Having to explain that my choice of not usually eating meat doesn't threaten the livelihood of the person I'm in a conversation with, their personal/political views, or their gender identity, nor does it insult them, their mother's name, their favorite color, the shirt they're wearing, or the lineage of us as humans, nor does it make me think I'm superior to them, haughty, stuck up, or better than them. I just don't dig meat most times.

-There: a word directing to a place/area
They're: the combination of "They" and "Are"
Their: The plural possessive/ past indefinite antecedent when gender is unknown
Your: a form of the possessive case of "you"/ belonging to someone else
You're: the combination of "You" and "Are
Then: relating to time/ relating to "if/then" indirect relative comparisons
Than: direct comparison
If you're an idiot because of your inability to understand the above, then there is a place for you... the nice young men in their clean white coats will be there soon, and they're more gentle to you than I'll ever be.

-Phrases that start out "I'm not xxxxxx, but..." because they're invariably xxxxxx.

-Preferential treatment of religiosity. Tax exempt status for churches, the obligatory prayer at most meetings, accepting "it's my faith" as a legitimate viewpoint, indoctrination of children, even drug use as legal for those who profess a certain traditional faith. This does nothing but give people a false sense of persecution when it is mentioned that religion should stay out of government/public works.

-People who confuse faith and proof. Seeing is believing, but believing is not knowing. Believing is never knowing. Strange, but true.

-People who swear an oath of loyalty to a computer brand. "The soulless, faceless, greedy multinational corporation that manufactured my computer in a huge factory overseas is WAY better than the soulless, faceless, greedy multinational corporation that manufactured YOUR computer in a huge factory overseas!!!"

-People who complain about how government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and is wholly evil and corrupt who then vote into power people who complain about how government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and are wholly evil and corrupt, who then do their best to make sure that government sucks, will never work right, can't do anything right, and is wholly evil and corrupt.

Ahhhh... I feel better.

Song of teh post: Wrong Prayer, by Jaydiohead
Words of teh post: Then, Than, Your, You're, Their, They're, There. It's really not that hard.

Literally the bible... part 1.

(America's foremost creationist recreating his O face... Think about that next time you're feeling romantic...)

I'm not one to disparage the religious beliefs of others (snicker). However, literal biblical interpretation seems to be... ridiculous. After all, if one takes the bible literally, one has to contend not only with the inconsistencies and logical mistakes, one also has to ignore the mountains (literally... Mountains) of evidence that suggests the earth is much, Much, MUCH older than they say it is. However, their defense is to tell me to read the bible as a history book, taking it seriously and using it not as a guide to lead a moral life (which is strange, because there are some things in it that I don't consider moral... at ALL) but as literally as possible. So here we go...

GENESIS, CH. 1 (New International Version)

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Ok, so far no testable hypotheses, but I'm willing to go along...

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
Hang on a second. If the waters were there, there was a form... the form of oceans. What exactly is meant by this?

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
From where?

4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.
Uh... ok.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
So that was the first day. How did God know how long a day was without the light? Oh yeah... omniscient.

6 And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”
But all the oceans connect with each other. The border that separates the Atlantic from the Pacific is imaginary.

7 So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so.
Ok, land, got it...

8 God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
The vault was sky? So in the beginning the universe was a pool? I don't get it.

9 And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so.
Ok, here's the land. Gotcha. Still don't know where the light came from if the universe was water, though.

10 God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good.
Ok, so we've separated the water from the air, the land from the water. So far, actually, one could kind of say that this is the way the earth formed... kind of... if you squint really hard.

11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so.
Woah there, Kemosabe... First of all, what's a "kind?" Second, how did the seed bearing plants survive without insects to pollinate them? Spore release on the wind? That's quite inefficient. Mosses use low flowing water to spawn, and ferns used the whole air/spore deal, but those don't bear fruits... Fruits and seeds are different "kinds" from those other plants. Well, lets keep going...

12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
See the above retort.

13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
Ok, so plants, who now are totally reliant on insects for reproduction, were in the beginning completely separate from the insects. Did the fall make god so pissed at everything that the plants needed bugs to crawl along their reproductive organs? That apple was a much bigger deal than we thought.

14 And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years,
So god made the seasons AFTER the plants... What?

15 and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so.
Didn't he already make lights?

16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.
The moon reflects sunlight, it doesn't produce it. And where did the light come from before he made the light later in the week? Is anyone else confused?

17 God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth,
Again, confused.

18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good.
I should hope so. The day/night thing involves the rotation of the earth. If we didn't rotate, one area would cook and the other would be void. That would be SERIOUSLY bad planning.

19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
Ok, three days pass before the days are seperated. Makes perfect sense.

20 And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.”
Here's the kicker. God creates creeping life. www.talkorigins.org for a full refutation of this concept.

21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
Hell yeah it's good! We all love chicken fingers, even though they don't fly.

22 God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”
So god needed to tell the critters to do what is needed to reproduce? Did they really need encouragement? I don't.

23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
To recap: God creates things all out of order and in strange ways, with no discernible pattern or method other than magic, and humans aren't even in the picture yet, even though we, ostensibly, ARE critters.

24 And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so.
Wait... livestock and other animals are of a separate group of "kinds" from the birds and the sea-critters? What kind of weirdness is this? And did the land produce them or did god create them?

25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
Ok, so far god made chicken fingers before hamburgers, but included puppies with hamburgers (metaphorically speaking). Should we eat puppies? I'll try it... but I'm skeptical.


26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So god makes man out of "their" image. I'm sure he means the angels, but you try to get something this vague past Scientific American. Also, "rule over" doesn't really mean "eat," although that would have made medieval England much more interesting...

27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Good. At least both men and women get equal dominion over the world! Think about how it would be if just MEN had the power!

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
Once again, I know that I don't need any encouragement...

29 Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.
God wanted us to be vegetarian. Sweet!

30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.
Ok, so lions, with their sharp, pointy teeth, sharks, with their MANY sharp pointy teeth, and raptors, with their scary, MANY sharp pointy teeth, were supposed to be veggies. I've never seen a meat plant. But maybe I just haven't looked hard enough.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
In less than a week... If we're made in "their" image, why can't I get my house cleaned in an hour, much less create universes in a week?

Stay tuned for next time, when we take all that above stuff... and contradict it.

Holy Bull Crap

How the thought processes should have gone down...

What happened? They all said it would happen yesterday! The math... the whole deal with the disasters... What happened?

I mean, I sold all my possessions. All of them. My kids... oh no... They won't have anything! I quit my job, severed my connections, I even told my friends that I wouldn't be seeing them until after all this is over... Was he wrong?

He must have been wrong. How could he have been wrong? The math all added up! The whole thing... with heaven as 17... Was he wrong?

Was the bible wrong?

No! That's ridiculous! It's the word of God, written by Him... through men. Fallible men. Men like Harold. What is going on? Why am I thinking like this!?!? Surely this is a test! That's it! A test! Of my faith! After all, it may not be a bad thing. Sure! The world is a pretty neat place. It's like... the second best thing after the rapture, after all! I do like cheeseburgers. Are there cheeseburgers in heaven? Didn't Jimmy Buffet sing a song like that?

What am I doing!? This is ridiculous! The rapture didn't happen... This is the worst day of my life! Now all I have is this awful universe! What a horrible thing!

Wait. I just said that the universe wasn't enough. What kind of person does that?

Someone who has been fooled into wanting more than the universe can offer.

I've been fooled.

I've been fooled by that ancient, persistently wrong false prophet. What the hell? What else was wrong about what he said?

He said he was actually interpreting the bible correctly. I've read the bible. I've looked at what he showed me. It made sense at the time.

Maybe the bible was wrong.

Could that be? Should I have put all my faith in one person... in one book?

Where is that book... I'm gonna read it again... I wanna read it for myself...

How the thought process actually went down...


NAW, DOOD! S'ALL GOOD! WE ALL GONNA DIE SOON! DON WORRY, MR. NON-BELEEVER! I GOT THIS! U TOTALLY NOT GONNA SERVIVE THE NECKS TIME!!!

And I'm all...


And they're all...


And I'm all...


And they're all...

BELEEVE WIT ME BRO!!!

And I'm all...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END! YOU WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO DIE!!!!

And they're all...

Mmmmm... Me gusta apocalypse...

And I'm finally all...


Song of teh post: Sonny's Burning, by The Birthday Party
New day of teh dead of teh post: October, 21, 2011