Monday, November 21, 2011

I would like to make a few things perfectly clear...

This is an example of an American adult human male...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. He has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to him by the constitution. He can make his own legal decisions and be held responsible for his actions.

This is an example of an American adult human female...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. She has reached the age of 18 and has, by law, all rights and responsibilities endowed to her by the constitution. She can make her own legal decisions and be held responsible for her actions.

This is an example of human children...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They have not reached the age of 18 and have, by law, to be legally reliant of their parent/parents/legal guardians. They have few rights and responsibilities endowed to them by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions, nor be held responsible for their legal actions.

This is an example of an animal (dog)...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from breed to breed. They are not human, and so do not receive the same rights and responsibilities endowed to humans by the constitution. They can not make their own legal decisions. They are animals, and as such have no concept of legality, which is a human invention.

This is an example of a chair...

The color, variety, and specifics will vary from specimen to specimen. They are not human, nor are they living, so they receive absolutely no rights or responsibilities from the government. They can not make any decision, legal or otherwise.

This is the Eiffel Tower...

There is only one Eiffel tower, so there is no variance. It is not American, nor is it sentient, and therefore does not recieve any rights or responsibilities from the government. It can not make any decisions, and even if it could, it is not American, therefore any legal decisions made are only binding in France (theoretical decisions, of course).

Now that we've cleared some things up, we can extrapolate. The only two entities on the list that a) have the legal rights endowed by the constitution to make their own legally binding decisions and b) are able to execute those by virtue of their ages are the adult American human males and adult American human females. Therefore, there is no logical legal reason for these two...


or these two...


or these two...


to receive the exact same rights. These rights include the right to vote, drive, pay taxes, and marry. And, because it is legal, for this...


Which is much more of a threat to marriage than any of the above situations.

Got it? Can we move on now?

Song of teh post: Gay Bar, by Electric Six
Crazy, creepy, GOP campaign manager of teh post: Tamara Scott, Manager for the Bachman Campaign.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Not gonna get angry... Not gonna get angry...




I can appreciate a lot of abstract things. The philosophy of post-modernism in which we don't really KNOW anything, and what we perceive is filtered through too many cultural biases for us to really be sure of its veracity... I can try to think like that and succeed... I think...

But things that are so blatantly ridiculous, so patently absurd, so... so weird... I can't get behind thinking like that. Take this complaint. I got this article from the Chicago Daily Herald (http://www.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/faith-and-values/bishops-say-government-eroding-religious-liberty/article_6fa06089-9c04-5685-b0e8-1d018045657f.html)

As usual, my snark filled and 'intolerant' remarks will be in italics...

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops vowed Monday to defend their religious liberty in the face of growing acceptance of gay marriage and what they called attempts by secularists to marginalize faith. Off to a GREAT start. Because we all know that denying basic rights to people is a cornerstone of the church's dogma. When they stop getting government handouts and tax-free status and aren't the RICHEST religion in the world that preaches the benefits of suffering and poverty, then I'll listen to their complaints. Until then... Well...

Bishop William Lori, leader of a new national religious liberty committee, condemned federal and state policies that he said interfered with the church's ability to provide social services, from health care to immigrant support to international aid. And when we become an entirely religious nation, fully under the control of the vatican, then we will bow to Lori's wishes.

In Illinois, government officials stopped working with Catholic Charities on adoptions and foster-care placements after 40 years because the agency refused to recognize a new civil union law. Illinois bishops had sued the state but on Monday said they would stop the legal fight and no longer provide state-funded services. The mere fact that the church is doling out STATE-FUNDED SERVICES is a huge red flag.

In New York, the bishops, along with Orthodox Jewish leaders and others, have complained that the religious exception in this year's law allowing gay marriage is too weak to be effective. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. But you can't deny people state funded services because of your religion. That is a functional definition of prejudice. Welcome to civil rights 101.

On the federal level, the bishops have been pressing the Health and Human Services Department during its public comment period for a broader religious exception to part of President Barack Obama's health care overhaul that mandates private insurers pay for contraception. Typical. Blastocysts have more importance than actual humans. This kind of dogmatic, unquestioning loyalty attached to privilege and entitlement makes me urk.

"We should not be obliged to provide services or other initiatives that are contrary to our conscience," said Lori, bishop of Bridgeport, Conn. "We don't need the government forcing our hand." Then refuse tax exempt status. Remove chaplains from the military. Refuse to be a sponsor of schools. Stop trying to get prayer into sports games. Close your private schools. Repeal the 1970 Walz Supreme Court decision. Stop blocking legislation that supports planned parenthood. YOU are forcing the hands of the SECULARIST IDEALS that this government should be founded on. And quit being dicks.

Archbishop Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, said the bishops are not just reacting to Obama's policies, but to a broader society in a "drive to neuter religion" and "push religion back into the sacristy." Wow! The gall! To be a member of the richest, most privileged religion in the richest, most privileged society and to complain about how you don't want to follow the rules of that society... You have balls of solid marble.

"That's a cultural issue that the church has been concerned about forever, not just in the United States," Dolan said. Remember when the church was in charge of everything, including culture and social health? It was called the dark ages.

But Dolan said he discussed the church's concerns with Obama when the two men met last week in the Oval Office. The archbishop said Obama was "extraordinarily friendly" and "very ardent" in reassuring Dolan that the administration would look into the problems. What problems? To make the church do what it should do under a secular government? Does anyone see a problem with this?

"I left there feeling a bit more at peace with this issue than when I entered," Dolan said. Glad the great capitulator could stroke your ego, Dolan.

Religious freedom was the main focus at the fall meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, which has public sessions through Tuesday. "Item number two on the agenda: How to keep kids quiet about the whole... you know..."

The new religious liberty committee that church leaders formed met for the first time. Anthony Picarello, general counsel for the conference, will oversee that work, which will include hiring a lobbyist and another attorney.

Picarello had worked for seven years at the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, a public-interest law firm based in Washington, and also served on an advisory committee for Obama's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships.

Bishops hope to persuade federal lawmakers to retain the Defense of Marriage Act, which passed in 1996, and launched a new website called Marriageuniqueforareason.org. Obama has said his administration would no longer defend the law, calling it "counter to the Constitution." Bishops said it was wrong to describe their religious convictions as discrimination. When it is discrimination, it will be called that. And don't you dare try to make yourselves out to be the ones taking the moral high ground. That's akin to the slavery you condoned because the bible approved it. Human laws are invariably more moral than religious ones because human laws can change. Deal with it.

"The church has nothing against compromise, but we can't compromise principle," Dolan said. "Not only will we not compromise principle, we'll demand you conform to our ideals. See? We're not against compromise."

The bishops are confronting the Health and Human Services Department on another front. The government agency recently decided not to renew a contract held since 2006 by the bishops' refugee services office to help victims of human trafficking. What?

The American Civil Liberties Union is suing to stop the agency from making grants to groups who "impose religiously based restrictions on reproductive health services" for human trafficking victims. The women are often raped and forced into prostitution by their captors. WHAT?! This is the definition of evil. Refusing to allow women who were raped and forced into prostitution reproductive health services? The church has NO moral high ground to stand on now.

The bishops' conference has called the decision biased against Catholic beliefs. "Rape and torture are bad, but nowhere near as bad as RU-486". Agency officials vehemently deny any bias and say the sole criteria for evaluating potential grantees was which group could best serve the victims. Administration officials note that the vast network of Catholic social service nonprofits, including the bishops' conference, receives hundreds of millions of dollars in government funding in amounts that have increased in the last couple of years. You have more of a duty to your dogma than to human beings? That's horrible. Evil.

"We should not be at a disadvantage competing for contracts because we bring certain convictions to the table," Lori said. The only convictions I see are crimes against humanity on the part of the church, but that's just me, I guess.

Does anyone else feel unrighteous indignation boiling up inside them now?

Fuck it. Here's a picture of a small cute animal.



Song of teh post: Anti-Pope, by The Damned
Atheist saint of teh post: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Man... That was weird...

Ok, so I was hanging out with my girlfriend at her apartment last weekend. She was at work, and I was just watching some roller derby DVDs, waiting for her to come home so we could hang out with the rest of the young, hip and trendy. I should have known something was wrong earlier in the day when I noticed that my eyes were glowing red, but I put that down to a natural symptom of living in Kentucky.


When all of a sudden I thought... "Man, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if she has any beer in her fridge." I'm not an alcoholic, by the way. It WAS Saturday night. So shut up.


So I sauntered jauntily over to the ice box to see if she had anything of the fizzy boozy type.


Alas...


So I did what any of us would have done...



All of a sudden, I got this funny feeling. I thought to myself "Self, what exactly do they make this stuff out of?" I then tried to say something but my lip went numb.


It started to get really hot and I began to sweat... but this wasn't any normal sweat...



It started to spread...


Of course, I am a scientist, so after the initial shock wore off, I decided to study this strange phenomenon. I was slightly disturbed that this strange sweat covered almost my entire face, but I wanted to let things happen...


I was NOT prepared for my hair to turn silver and grow at an alarming rate, however.


I ran to the bathroom to see what exactly was going on. My teeth started to rot... That was disconcerting...


However, after a strange growth developed on my face where the sweat wasn't, and after grabbing a top hat, I realized that I actually liked this new look. This may have been the disease talking, I'll admit.


I looked in the mirror and tried to say "You know what, I don't really mind this new look! I think I'll go out on the town tonight and show it off." What came out was "Cor, blimey! I'm lookin' like a wall street plonker! I'm gonna go to the nuclear sub and give everyone a butchers." I had turned cockney. I had turned into...

The Hitcher.

Just then my girlfriend came home. I gave her a sip of the beer, hoping she would turn into a wintergreen nightmare like me. She turned into Daria.

I had no problem with this.

So we spent a night on the town! Went to a piano bar where it was 80's night, and all the Journey and Foreigner instantly made me want to kill. I strolled up to the bar and said "Pint of the black stuff, landlord." He poured me a Guinness. Then I jabbed him in the gums with a screwdriver. This pleased me.


Daria was not impressed. She was, however, hot, so I didn't mind.


Then I decided to be all creepy in an alley. I did this purely for my own amusement. That and the murdering.


We strolled up to another bar and I sat down for a drink. Someone passed me something called a furry belly button or something. I wasn't sure about it, but hey... free drink.


I took a sip and things began to get all fuzzy... for me AND the camera, apparently...


The next thing I remember I woke up. All was back to normal. I wasn't green, I had a ripping hangover, but I was my normal, pink self again... Until I rolled over and saw who I had ended up going home with...


The moral of the story... NEVER drink Keystone Ice.

Song of teh post: Eels, by The Mighty Boosh Feat. The Hitcher
Awesomeness of teh post: Someone recognized my character and asked to take their picture with me! I stabbed him with a frozen eel.