Friday, April 27, 2012

Literally the bible... Part 4 (dammit, I'm bored at work, OK?!)

 Genesis CH4... in which there is sex AND violence!

1 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.”
Bow chicka wow wow! I'm actually surprised it took this long to get to some sex. And by the way, just because she screamed "Oh God!" doesn't mean that the lord helped. Moving on...

 2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.
As a side note, another human was made. Typical first child/second child dynamic ensues.

3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.
And the fruits were of the nature of pizza, and the lord saw that it wasn't very good pizza, and doomed Cain to a failed presidential campaign in AD 2011.

4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering,
So god preferred the meat and looked glancingly on the veggies. Typical American male. OMG... IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE THEN!!!!!

5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
I would be too! If god's not careful then he'll get some serious arteriosclerosis.

6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?
"Well I just spent all my time tilling the soil that you doomed us to till at the sweat of my brow. My brother got to watch animals do it and killed some random baby animals that couldn't run away. What does that say about us?" And the lord said... "Work smarter, not harder."

7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. ”  
Um... This makes no sense. You sneered at his salad and lauded the meat! You really are a typical American male.

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Ok... that is overreacting a bit. I bet god is gonna smite this guy down with all the force of the heavenly hosts and destroy everything that Cain ever did, does, or thought! This is gonna be fun!

9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know, ” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Here it comes... Here comes the smiting that will make Fred Phelps spontaneously ejaculate...

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.
And Cain tore up the floor boards and said "here! Here is my brother's heart!" - Oh wait... wrong story.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 
Ok... that's not so bad, but I bet the smiting is coming!  Ooooh, excited!

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth. ” 
Well... this sucks for him! Um... I'm sure it's gonna get worse! Until someone invents the twinkie.

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.
Oh pony up and deal.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  

15 But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over. ” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.  
... So... His punishment is to live forever? Wow... Ok... I guess that would suck. If you don't have hobbies... Um... wow. Way to be anti-climactic, there, Yaweh.

16 So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
He nodded off, then? (ba-dum- TSHHH!)

17  Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch.
WOAH WOAH WOAH! STOP RIGHT THERE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! Where did SHE come from!? And how does a man build a city?! And for WHAT?! His wife and kid?! Two minutes, one for Out of bounds blocking and one for misconduct!

18 To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.
That's a lot of not-mentioned-like-at-all-never-ever women to have kids with. Unless they were his siters. So... logical extrapolation... Oh man, they were doing their SISTERS! EW! If we can't do that even in modern West Virginia, then THEY shouldn't be able to do that either!

19  Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. 
Going from Adah to Zillah like a killah!

20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 
So... he wasn't the father of the people who lived in bungalows and raised cats?

21 His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes
So, the first musician. No wonder he got laid so much!

22 Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah. 
Come on down to Tubal-Cain house of forged bronze and iron. Here you will find the lowest prices on the highest quality spear heads... trinkets... shiny things... and knick knacks around. Or my naim isn't Tubal-Cain.

23  Lamech said to his wives,
“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
    wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
    a young man for injuring me.
Wait... Lamech killed someone else, too!? This whole species is terribly violent against its own members for some seriously minor differences in opinion- OH HOLY CRAP IT'S ALL TRUE!

24 If Cain is avenged seven times,
    then Lamech seventy-seven times. ”
So if Cain lives forever I live seventy seven times forever! Bah! Woe is me! At least I have my watercolors...

25 Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.” 
Ok... First, this is gonna make family reunions really awkward. Second, How will Jabal and Tubal-Cain deal with having a great-great-great-uncle that's younger than them? Unless time has no real temporal meaning and is an abstract... Dammit. I suppose it is. Well played, Einstein... well played.

26 Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh. At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.
 And there was no more boring genealogy in the bible ever!