Holy Bull Crap

How the thought processes should have gone down...

What happened? They all said it would happen yesterday! The math... the whole deal with the disasters... What happened?

I mean, I sold all my possessions. All of them. My kids... oh no... They won't have anything! I quit my job, severed my connections, I even told my friends that I wouldn't be seeing them until after all this is over... Was he wrong?

He must have been wrong. How could he have been wrong? The math all added up! The whole thing... with heaven as 17... Was he wrong?

Was the bible wrong?

No! That's ridiculous! It's the word of God, written by Him... through men. Fallible men. Men like Harold. What is going on? Why am I thinking like this!?!? Surely this is a test! That's it! A test! Of my faith! After all, it may not be a bad thing. Sure! The world is a pretty neat place. It's like... the second best thing after the rapture, after all! I do like cheeseburgers. Are there cheeseburgers in heaven? Didn't Jimmy Buffet sing a song like that?

What am I doing!? This is ridiculous! The rapture didn't happen... This is the worst day of my life! Now all I have is this awful universe! What a horrible thing!

Wait. I just said that the universe wasn't enough. What kind of person does that?

Someone who has been fooled into wanting more than the universe can offer.

I've been fooled.

I've been fooled by that ancient, persistently wrong false prophet. What the hell? What else was wrong about what he said?

He said he was actually interpreting the bible correctly. I've read the bible. I've looked at what he showed me. It made sense at the time.

Maybe the bible was wrong.

Could that be? Should I have put all my faith in one person... in one book?

Where is that book... I'm gonna read it again... I wanna read it for myself...

How the thought process actually went down...


NAW, DOOD! S'ALL GOOD! WE ALL GONNA DIE SOON! DON WORRY, MR. NON-BELEEVER! I GOT THIS! U TOTALLY NOT GONNA SERVIVE THE NECKS TIME!!!

And I'm all...


And they're all...


And I'm all...


And they're all...

BELEEVE WIT ME BRO!!!

And I'm all...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END! YOU WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO DIE!!!!

And they're all...

Mmmmm... Me gusta apocalypse...

And I'm finally all...


Song of teh post: Sonny's Burning, by The Birthday Party
New day of teh dead of teh post: October, 21, 2011

Tomorrow is International Monty Python day...

And I shall celebrate the best way I know how... I will post my 3 favorite Monty Python sketches. Now, some like Python for the absurdity (I know I do) and some like it for the absurdity (I'm not really one of them). But I like it because it's subversive. Subversive in the true meaning of the word... Subversion (be-eng toe-tah-lee ah-sum): a systematic attempt to overthrow or undermine a system of belief or political system by persons working secretly from within. What Python did wasn't just reorganize what comedy could be, they created a paradigm shift away from the norm and towards something bigger than the premise/punchline joke, while poking fun at the established system. I know, I probably put too much on it... But WTF? I've been drinking. I took my last final this morning and I'm already a few Modelo Especials into the evening... Here are my favorite sketches, the ones that puncture the pomposity of the people who presume to be perfect... Ah am soooo good at the alliterations...

Anyway, these aren't my only favorites, just the ones that make me hopeful for human kind...

Brian's followers... just don't get it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym-k5viJ7tA
This is what religion is like... If you don't agree, look to your own religion and follow the traces of the splits and reformations and awakenings and whatever. If you don't understand that people worship religion far more often than they worship their god... Then watch that clip until you get it.

Those were the days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo

If you get this, you either despise the mentality or agree with the sentiment. Being gray around the temples and upset about the youth of today... Well, here's a quote...

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place
of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their
households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They
contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties
at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

That was attributed to Socrates by Plato. And our species is still around...
Hmm... I wonder if its just BS, this "kids today" thing...

The Birth of the Libertarian Movement...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExWfh6sGyso

I really don't think I need to say another fucking word...

Song of teh post: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Sketch I want played at my funeral of the post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWWg5shNWR4

My first time into poetry, dear readers...

I've only written, like, three poems in my life. I've always been way too angry at life in general, and the people who write poetry in particular, to give much of a damn. However, with my haiku project and the ability to express the anger and seething hatred I have in me, I figured why not? I could be a dark poet. An angry little screaming mouse in a world full of hungry cats. The following poem I've called "Modern Life Ten Miles Away," and it should be read in full shout.

Drugs?
Fuck yeah!
What kind?
Whatchoo got?
Meth?
CHRIST YES!
Here ya go!
What's it made of?
No idea.
What's it got in it?
Who knows?
How pure is it?
All I know is that the guys who made it
are dead.
FUCK! WHY DOES IT BURN!?
Battery acid? Dead babies? Aryan hate?
Jesus! You have anything to calm me down?

How bout some weed?
Homegrown?
None other!
Where was it grown?
Its my own shit.
Yeah, but where was it grown?
I grew it in my own shit.
Are you serious?
Yeah...
Never fucking mind.

Ok, got any pills?
What kind?
Painkillers.
I got morphine, methadone, oxycontin, hydrocodone,
dilaudid, oxymorphone, fentanyl, tramodol, percoset,
demerol, lorcet, lortab, percodan
and seventeen different colors of vicodin.
That's all?
Well if you want the strong stuff I'll have to call my guy.
Don't want to put you out, dude.
It's ok, I just need to get the fucking phone to stop moving.
What you on?
Enough mushrooms to choke a Whargarble.
What's a whargarble?
What's a what?
Huh?
Beer?
Yeah...

Fuck this place.
Only America
could dream up a place
like rural Kentucky.

Song of teh post: Where Eagles Dare, by The Misfits (No soy maldito hijo de puta!)
Poet of the post: Bill Hicks

Haiku time again... The TV Edition

FOOD NETWORK

Chubby "Brah" Clothing,
Spiked, bleached hair is mocking me.
Fieri must die.

Who let Giada,
Mistress of huge freakin' teeth,
On my damn TV?

Iron Chef comes on.
How strange is it when WE start
Ripping off Japan?

Semi-HomeMade? Uh...
You bought it from a store, dude,
Not really from scratch.

Hi! I'm Rachel Ray!
Yummo and et cetera!
Have some crystal meth!

Alton is the man.
No ifs, ands, or buts, bitches.
Show some damn respect.

REALITY TV

It is not real life.
It is about as real life
As I am Chinese.

How many of us
Would honestly watch a show
Called "Your Shitty Job"?

The Situation,
Snooki and the Jersey Shore.
Kill them with fire.

The Simple Life. Ugh.
I won't rest 'til I can drink
From their precious skulls.

The Deadliest Catch.
Risk their lives for rich folks food.
Blood is on their hands.

Filled with bile and hate
Every single time I watch
John and Kate plus 8.

I still have never
Seen any American
Idol. I am proud.

Still, I have to say,
Despite all my objections,
Mythbusters? Awesome.

THE NEWS

Wolf Blitzer has a
Weird name. Cant wait for the show:
"Blitzer and Bohner"

BBC new source.
Fair, real, international.
No one here listens.

NPR, I want
To support, but you keep on
Asking me for cash.

MSNBC
How long 'til the Tea Party
Starts shooting at you?

Fox News, Rush, and Glenn:
Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP! FUCK!
JUST FUCKING SHUT UP!!!!!

YOU FUCKING WHORE BEASTS!!!!
YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER
BEEN FUCKING CONCIEVED!!!!!

Sorry. Got a bit
Too carried away just then.
So yeah. Fox news sucks.

IN CONCLUSION...

Kill your TV now.
Your brain wants you to come and
play outside with me.

This is your life and
it's being taken away
second by second...

You don't want to die
Looking back on your life and
see only TV.

Recipes... The Return of the King (of PAIN!)

So, another recipe... This one is one of my favorites, and I hope it will be one of yours as well. It is great on anything you'd want to put barbecue sauce on, and can be easily spiced up with the addition of any number of awesomenesses. On barbecue, on grilled chicken, and even seitan braised in it is excellent! Enjoy!


UNCLE OTTIS'S BARBECUE SAUCE

2 cups tomato puree
1/4 cup white wine vinegar
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 large onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp chili powder
1 tbs Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp dry mustard
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp salt
pepper to taste
1 cup chili sauce
1 tsp lemon pepper
3 tbs vodka



Lightly saute the onion and garlic in the vegetable oil until translucent.

Combine all ingredients in a medium sauce pan and simmer over low heat for 25 to 30 minutes, stirring often.

I couldn't have said it better myself...

I'm a guy, and being one I'm excluded from Roller Derby for the most part. I'm not complaining, though. Not by a long shot. I help out when I can, and I'm training to be a referee so that I can be as big a part of this sport as possible. In fact, the impossibility of my being a player actually makes it more... real for me, I guess. I couldn't figure out how to put my thoughts of just how awesome this whole deal is until I read Down and Derby, by Jennifer "Kasey Bomber" Barbee and Alex "Axles of Evil" Cohen. In it, it goes over almost everything one needs to know to be involved in the sport, including the non-skating elements. However, leave it to an announcer to give me the best quote of the book.

When asked what the best part of being an announcer for Derby is, Randy Pan the Goat Boy (aka Jack Merriman of the Rat City Roller Girls) said it best, and anyone who loves the sport but can't skate with the team for specific reasons (i.e., being a dude) can affirm that he's spittin' the truth here...



"For me, it's being a part of a revolution. Not to be hokey, but that's what I truly feel roller derby is. It's the biggest "fuck you" to the status quo (sports status quo, male-dominated -anything status quo, corporate-Satans-running-everything status quo, etc.).

To be a guy involved in a revolution run by women is a special privilege. Granted, that puts me on the ass end of the totem pole, but I can hang there for a change, it's about time.

Tied for that is the life of it all. What I mean is, when you're doing derby you are truly engaged in living, not just waiting to die. You're taking an opportunity that life has given you, as opposed to watching other people do it. There's so much love that comes with this. You're in a community where everyone supports each other and loves each other for it, even if we don't all like each other. So yeah, best part is revolution, life, and love. Goddamnit, I sound like a hippy, I better go eat a fucking steak now."



Truer words are seldom spoken.



Song of teh post: Born to Kill, by The Damned
Announcer of teh post: Latenight Lyle, of VCRD

Ice cold beard...

So this winter I grew a beard... It was a magnificent symbol of my manhood, carefully coiffed, trimmed with love and care and unicorn sharpened mancake razors. It was also as annoying as having... a bunch of hairs growing out of your face. I tried to accept the price... I tried to be a good bearded person... I tried but I didn't know... I didn't know...

Anyway, me and mah girlfriend were chilling out in her apartment and decided that it was time to remove the last barrier to the makey outey sessions. She doesn't like a mouthful of face fuzz. Who does? So we went to the razor and chopped away. Here are the results... vote for your favorite on my facebook or my blog...


The Full Bush
A favorite of militiamen and vikings (Or SPARTANS!), this beard is classic, if you can pull it off. Very fun, can be used in many ways! Throw a guitar around it and join ZZ Top, strap a bomb to it and scream “ALLAH HUAKBAR!” to scare your conservative friends, or put on your crunchy leather panties and sling spears into Persians!


Shaving... Shaving...



The Billy Goat.
This fashionable facial fodder goes especially well with the trendy, goatee set. Popular with philosophy professors and professional philosophers (who can afford to shave when you're grappling with the problems of being?), look for this beard style at a college campus or French bistro, clamped firmly around a Galouise cigarette, wine stained and spouting things like “Oui, mais ce scrotum démanger est-il un symbole de mon ennui?”



The Fu-Man-Chu
(Also called The Trucker)
This versatile beard finds its home on the most deadly of people... The Kung Fu masters and the Common Trucker. Yes, either drunk on plum wine or tweaking on crank, the Fu Man Chu (Trucker) is a symbol, and the symbol is always BEWARE. Highly volatile and dangerous, the owner can expect either geisha or lot lizards as his female companion of choice.


Shaving... Still shaving...




The Wyatt Derp
Yee Haw! The classic cowboy look fits almost any occasion, as long as the occasion is “being awesome!” Giddy up, and don't forget the mustache wax!



The Tom Selleck
Need we say more? You are seduced, no?



The Chaplin
THIS IS NOT HITLER! Ok, it's Hitler. But I am full of shame, so it's cool. This mustache should only be used pre-1936. Seriously... Moving on...



The Youth Pastor
Hey kids! Have you heard the good news! Yes, my bible is open to the book of Lamentations, but that's not a problem! I've got something to share! No, it's not that... It's... You know what? I think we should take the whole gang outside... because that's just the whacky kind of guy I am!

And now I'm clean shaven. Remember to vote on the one that I should rock out next time I decide to grow my beard again! And no, I will not grow the Hitler.

Song of teh post: I Believe in Miracles, by Hot Chocolate.
Ashley's favorite style of teh post: The Youth Pastor