The story of the Hawk...

I've been asked about my hairstyle several times. Here is the true story of the events that have led up to my most severe style...

Thousands of years ago, long before Flo ever said "Kiss my grits," and in an area of the galaxy that the most fashion conscious people on earth will one day call "the area that brings new and dreadful meaning to the word 'gauche,'" a supernova occurred, vaporizing a planet with only two continents whose inhabitants had, through evolutionary pressures, evolved wheels on the ends of their legs. These beings were called 'Derbs.'

The Derbs were a peaceful race, far removed from the concept of war and destruction. Their two continents were called Wftda (pronounced WOOF-duh) and Wbtda (pronounced WOOB-duh), and in millennium they had never fought each other for supremacy. They reached this nirvana-like society by strange means; most notably by the Shirley Jackson short story "The Lottery" style social purging. Once a year every society would hold a lottery and twenty female Derbs from each continent (the females ruled the planet) would get together and race around in a circle, trying to pass each others countrywomen and slamming into each other. The women who passed more of their opponents won, and their continent would be declared the ruling continent. Since their society was peaceful, this was all the violence needed in their world.

But when the planet was vaporized, particles of it flew through the cosmos at near light speed. One of these particles flew into Earth's orbit, entering the atmosphere and passed through the brains of two men, called Leo Seltzer and Damon Runyon. They then created the sport of Roller Derby, subconsciously naming it after the Derbs. Eighty years later, in Bowling Green, KY, two women decided to create their own derby league. Their history is too fanciful to believe, but let it be known that even though they are immortal, they do find themselves susceptible to bribery by whiskey and hot dogs.

This roller derby league was created and two teams emerged. The Vette City Vixens and the Bowling Green Hot Broads. These two teams were fierce and powerful, but they had no way of knowing when to perform their miracle stunts on their amazing track. They needed a 'timekeeper,' or by its Latin name (name removed as it may actually summon C'thulhu). Then my phone rang...

I was asked if I could be their time referee. I accepted and was informed that my picture should be taken for their website and fliers. I contemplated this situation and, upon consultation with Lay 'Em Lola, a Hot Broad who, unknown to her, had been invaded by another particle of the planet of the Derbs, decided that I wanted her hairstyle. She has a Mohawk as well, and one fine May afternoon in early April, I was given this hairstyle by one who HAS THE VERY SPIRIT OF THE DERBS INSIDE HER!

I hope this clears up any confusion...

Song of teh post: Roller Derby Queen by Jim Croce
Rollergirl of teh post: Lay 'Em Lola