So this winter I grew a beard... It was a magnificent symbol of my manhood, carefully coiffed, trimmed with love and care and unicorn sharpened mancake razors. It was also as annoying as having... a bunch of hairs growing out of your face. I tried to accept the price... I tried to be a good bearded person... I tried but I didn't know... I didn't know...
Anyway, me and mah girlfriend were chilling out in her apartment and decided that it was time to remove the last barrier to the makey outey sessions. She doesn't like a mouthful of face fuzz. Who does? So we went to the razor and chopped away. Here are the results... vote for your favorite on my facebook or my blog...
The Full Bush
A favorite of militiamen and vikings (Or SPARTANS!), this beard is classic, if you can pull it off. Very fun, can be used in many ways! Throw a guitar around it and join ZZ Top, strap a bomb to it and scream “ALLAH HUAKBAR!” to scare your conservative friends, or put on your crunchy leather panties and sling spears into Persians!
The Billy Goat.
This fashionable facial fodder goes especially well with the trendy, goatee set. Popular with philosophy professors and professional philosophers (who can afford to shave when you're grappling with the problems of being?), look for this beard style at a college campus or French bistro, clamped firmly around a Galouise cigarette, wine stained and spouting things like “Oui, mais ce scrotum démanger est-il un symbole de mon ennui?”
(Also called The Trucker)
This versatile beard finds its home on the most deadly of people... The Kung Fu masters and the Common Trucker. Yes, either drunk on plum wine or tweaking on crank, the Fu Man Chu (Trucker) is a symbol, and the symbol is always BEWARE. Highly volatile and dangerous, the owner can expect either geisha or lot lizards as his female companion of choice.
Shaving... Still shaving...
The Wyatt Derp
Yee Haw! The classic cowboy look fits almost any occasion, as long as the occasion is “being awesome!” Giddy up, and don't forget the mustache wax!
The Tom Selleck
Need we say more? You are seduced, no?
THIS IS NOT HITLER! Ok, it's Hitler. But I am full of shame, so it's cool. This mustache should only be used pre-1936. Seriously... Moving on...
The Youth Pastor
Hey kids! Have you heard the good news! Yes, my bible is open to the book of Lamentations, but that's not a problem! I've got something to share! No, it's not that... It's... You know what? I think we should take the whole gang outside... because that's just the whacky kind of guy I am!
And now I'm clean shaven. Remember to vote on the one that I should rock out next time I decide to grow my beard again! And no, I will not grow the Hitler.
Song of teh post: I Believe in Miracles, by Hot Chocolate.
Ashley's favorite style of teh post: The Youth Pastor