Friday, July 29, 2011

Literally the bible... part 2

Oh man... Here we go again...
GENESIS, CH. 2 (New International Version)

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

So, we left off with the earth all done n' shit.

2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

Because being all powerful and able to do anything at all at any time is exhausting. Wait... what?

3 Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Ok, the nap He took makes us have to grovel in churches and sing hymns in boring, monotone fashion? I'm jumping ahead here, forgive me (hehehe, like he has a choice!)

4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the LORD God made the earth and the heavens.

But we went through this last chapter! How would your book sell if the second chapter was just the characters saying things like "remember how we used to ..." and then recounting the entire thing?

5 Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground,

But he made the water before the land. That's what happened in the previous chapter, isn't it?

6 but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground.


7 Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Ok, on a side note here, if we extrapolate this, we can assume that once a person starts breathing, they have been fully created. Ergo, life starts at the first breath and not at conception. This leaves the abortion debate a moot point. Fetuses don't breathe. But I'm getting ahead of myself again. So man was made of mud and had the breath of life breathed into him by god. I wonder what god's breath smelled like. I'm picturing pepper and mangoes, but I'm just guessing.

8 Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed.

So man was originally created as a landscaper.

9 The LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

So the tree of life and the tree of knowledge were separate trees? What happens if you eat from both trees? Would you live forever and know the difference between good and evil? If so, you'd be a damn sight cooler than you are now. What were you thinking? Idiot... next time eat BOTH fruit!

10 A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters.

Ok, we have our first bit of geography. Rivers flowed from Eden.

11 The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold.

I feel like a Hardy boy! "Ok, we have a place where four rivers diverge and there's a lot of gold!"

12 (The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.)

"Now we have even more information! This mystery will solve itself in no time!"

13 The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush.

Pfft... No... I won't... Can't... Will not compare ZZ Top to the bible... Can't stop... I said lord take me downtown, I'm just lookin' for some Cush!

14 The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.

Now we can find out where it is. I am so gonna find this place! And build a Wal-Mart!

15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

"And don't sleep with my wife like the last landscaper did! Had to send him and the entire staff to hell!"

16 And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden;

"Ok... Where's the bacon tree?"

17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

"Sounds legit. Don't eat the poisoned stuff. I sure hope someone doesn't come along and tempts me into eating the fruit... that person would doom their entire group to millenia of suffering and oppression at the hands of the group of people who were stupid enough to fall for it! Imagine how THAT would be!"

18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

"For I am sick of seeing him shagging the dog."

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.

"Australopithicus aferensis, Australopithicus africanus, Homo habilus, Homo heidelbergensis, Homo erectus, and Homo neanderthalus, We don't need you anymore, thanks. The line for extinction forms on the left."

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

"Dammit! Who's gonna make me sammiches and open my beer?"

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.

Yeah, my frat buddies did that to me at the pledge week, too. They also drew a dick on my forehead. (Just kidding, I'd never join a fraternity!)

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

"So finally my sticky-outy bit won't be so confusing!"

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

See that!? Who gave the original gift of life? Just 'cause you women do it now doesn't mean that we haven't in the past! It was our idea! Bro-burned!

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

... Ew.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Because they were HAWT!

Stay tuned because next time Eve screws it all up. Leave it to a woman...

No comments:

Post a Comment