Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I couldn't have said it better myself...



I'm a guy, and being one I'm excluded from Roller Derby for the most part. I'm not complaining, though. Not by a long shot. I help out when I can, and I'm training to be a referee so that I can be as big a part of this sport as possible. In fact, the impossibility of my being a player actually makes it more... real for me, I guess. I couldn't figure out how to put my thoughts of just how awesome this whole deal is until I read Down and Derby, by Jennifer "Kasey Bomber" Barbee and Alex "Axles of Evil" Cohen. In it, it goes over almost everything one needs to know to be involved in the sport, including the non-skating elements. However, leave it to an announcer to give me the best quote of the book.

When asked what the best part of being an announcer for Derby is, Randy Pan the Goat Boy (aka Jack Merriman of the Rat City Roller Girls) said it best, and anyone who loves the sport but can't skate with the team for specific reasons (i.e., being a dude) can affirm that he's spittin' the truth here...



"For me, it's being a part of a revolution. Not to be hokey, but that's what I truly feel roller derby is. It's the biggest "fuck you" to the status quo (sports status quo, male-dominated -anything status quo, corporate-Satans-running-everything status quo, etc.).

To be a guy involved in a revolution run by women is a special privilege. Granted, that puts me on the ass end of the totem pole, but I can hang there for a change, it's about time.

Tied for that is the life of it all. What I mean is, when you're doing derby you are truly engaged in living, not just waiting to die. You're taking an opportunity that life has given you, as opposed to watching other people do it. There's so much love that comes with this. You're in a community where everyone supports each other and loves each other for it, even if we don't all like each other. So yeah, best part is revolution, life, and love. Goddamnit, I sound like a hippy, I better go eat a fucking steak now."



Truer words are seldom spoken.



Song of teh post: Born to Kill, by The Damned
Announcer of teh post: Latenight Lyle, of VCRD

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ice cold beard...

So this winter I grew a beard... It was a magnificent symbol of my manhood, carefully coiffed, trimmed with love and care and unicorn sharpened mancake razors. It was also as annoying as having... a bunch of hairs growing out of your face. I tried to accept the price... I tried to be a good bearded person... I tried but I didn't know... I didn't know...

Anyway, me and mah girlfriend were chilling out in her apartment and decided that it was time to remove the last barrier to the makey outey sessions. She doesn't like a mouthful of face fuzz. Who does? So we went to the razor and chopped away. Here are the results... vote for your favorite on my facebook or my blog...


The Full Bush
A favorite of militiamen and vikings (Or SPARTANS!), this beard is classic, if you can pull it off. Very fun, can be used in many ways! Throw a guitar around it and join ZZ Top, strap a bomb to it and scream “ALLAH HUAKBAR!” to scare your conservative friends, or put on your crunchy leather panties and sling spears into Persians!


Shaving... Shaving...



The Billy Goat.
This fashionable facial fodder goes especially well with the trendy, goatee set. Popular with philosophy professors and professional philosophers (who can afford to shave when you're grappling with the problems of being?), look for this beard style at a college campus or French bistro, clamped firmly around a Galouise cigarette, wine stained and spouting things like “Oui, mais ce scrotum démanger est-il un symbole de mon ennui?”



The Fu-Man-Chu
(Also called The Trucker)
This versatile beard finds its home on the most deadly of people... The Kung Fu masters and the Common Trucker. Yes, either drunk on plum wine or tweaking on crank, the Fu Man Chu (Trucker) is a symbol, and the symbol is always BEWARE. Highly volatile and dangerous, the owner can expect either geisha or lot lizards as his female companion of choice.


Shaving... Still shaving...




The Wyatt Derp
Yee Haw! The classic cowboy look fits almost any occasion, as long as the occasion is “being awesome!” Giddy up, and don't forget the mustache wax!



The Tom Selleck
Need we say more? You are seduced, no?



The Chaplin
THIS IS NOT HITLER! Ok, it's Hitler. But I am full of shame, so it's cool. This mustache should only be used pre-1936. Seriously... Moving on...



The Youth Pastor
Hey kids! Have you heard the good news! Yes, my bible is open to the book of Lamentations, but that's not a problem! I've got something to share! No, it's not that... It's... You know what? I think we should take the whole gang outside... because that's just the whacky kind of guy I am!

And now I'm clean shaven. Remember to vote on the one that I should rock out next time I decide to grow my beard again! And no, I will not grow the Hitler.

Song of teh post: I Believe in Miracles, by Hot Chocolate.
Ashley's favorite style of teh post: The Youth Pastor

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Recipes... The Two Desserts


Recipe time... Here's a couple of recipes from my personal collection, both desserts. I realized that most of my written recipes are desserts, for the simple fact that I hardly ever eat them, and I don't have the brainspace to memorize them like I've memorized my favorite pasta dish (spaghetti, olive oil, sun dried tomatoes, minced garlic, salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese, in whatever quantities you want. Booyah.) So, I write my favorite ones down with the hopes of impressing a member of the opposite sex... or at least putting them in a sugar coma to lower their inhibitions... You'd be surprised how well a well made dessert works when accompanied with booze...

The first one is pure decadence. I mean, cheesecake and brownies on one plate? Are you kidding?

CHEESECAKE BROWNIES

½ cup butter, melted
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 eggs
½ cup AP flour
1/3 cup cocoa
¼ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp salt
8 oz. Cream cheese
1 egg yolk
2 tbsp sugar


Stir butter, sugar, and vanilla together.

Add eggs and beat well.

Separately mix flour, cocoa, baking powder, salt.

Add flour mixture to egg mixture, stir well.

Spread batter evenly into greased 9x9 Pyrex pan.

Beat together cream cheese, egg, and sugar until smooth.

Dollop cream cheese mixture on top of the brownie batter. Swirl together using a knife or skewer to produce a marble effect.

Bake 40 minutes at 325 degrees or until knife comes out clean.

Cool in the pan, cut into bars and serve.

The second one would be perfect for a light dessert that you want to make into breakfast the next day. And I know you want that.

By the way, the muffin method is simple. Mix all the dry ingredients together, mix all the wet ingredients together IN A SEPARATE BOWL, pour the wet onto the dry, and mix until just brought together. It will look like a shaggy mess, but limit yourself to about 10 to 15 stirs ONLY.


ORANGE WALNUT QUICKBREAD


Dry:
12 oz Cake flour
1 oz powdered milk
½ oz baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt

Wet:
6 oz sugar
2 eggs
5 oz orange juice
6 oz water
1 ¼ oz oil
½ oz orange zest

Etc:
6 oz chopped walnuts


Mix using muffin method.

Fold in walnuts.

Bake in 2 8 x 4 loaf pans, greased and floured, at 375 degrees for 50 minutes.


So there ya go... Enjoy! And let me know how these worked out for ya!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Dark Fantasies...

Between imagination and desire, between fact and breakfast, between the answers to unasked questions being a firm "maybe" and the exacting nature of estimation... lies Dark Fantasies.

Good evening. I am Gelliant Gutfright, and tonight's tale could easily be called "The Tears of a Clown." So easily that it is, in fact. But could it also be called "A Fair Warning?"

No... it couldn't...

The tale is the story of the last, gasping moments of a bane of human existence, the final squirt of fearful urine from the urethra of an unmitigated bore, the heralding of clear trumpets as a scourge of humanity realizes his mistakes and begs for death before the end. In fact, the tale could be called "I Can't Plead." Couldn't it?

Couldn't it...?

Or could it...?

Or couldn't it...?






The first thing he noticed was the smell of the grease paint. That slick, chemical smell that was so often mingled with sweat, cheap soda, and whatever street drugs he could score before the shows. He thought he couldn't open his eyes, but realized that they were taped shut...

Taped shut!

He tried to let out a scream, but his mouth was taped as well. A sharp knock against the side of his head sent his mind blurring, and even though his eyes were shut, he still saw a flash of light.

"Shut up. It's no use screaming," a voice whispered in his right ear. That voice... he knew it... he searched his mind, trying to find a face to the voice, and all of a sudden it hit him, like a dam being released full force at his mind. The night before, at the bar. Someone had been buying him shots... that woman! She wore a loose, baggy shirt, black dyed hair, black makeup, and was swearing like a sailor. He remembered she wasn't wearing any pants, just a thong with a clown on it. Thinking of all the alcohol the night before made him queasy, and his nerves got the best of him. He gagged three times before he vomited, sending great rivulets of puke out his nostrils. In his panic he heard a different voice... English, somewhat light but serious...

"No. Keep the tape on for a bit. Let him get scared..."

Just before he thought he would pass out and choke on the used tequila and boneless buffalo wings, the tape was violently ripped off of his mouth. He tried to lean over but was taped to an office chair, his hands taped to the arms of the chair, his upper body taped to the back, and his feet taped to the wheels, keeping him from moving himself. He emptied the contents of his stomach onto himself in great, blubbering heaves.

"What the fuck have you done with me?!" he screamed, and immediately got a hard shot with what felt like a bat against his throat.

"With any luck, Mr. Utsler, we just crushed your plural larynges, leaving you to never perform again. We consider this a definite boon to humanity," the British voice said quietly. "Now that we can talk, we must explain certain things to you... things that we don't think you want to hear."

"... take the... tape off my eyes... please..." he gasped

"In a moment, surely. You must be aware, Mr. Utsler..."

"That's not my name! It's..." Whack! What felt like a bat to the ribcage and the pain of a surely broken rib shooting through his body made him tear up. He was glad the tape was on his eyes, so nobody could see his fear and pain.

"We are very aware of your stage name, Mr. Utsler, and we are not impressed. Keep in mind that you have just broken at least one rib, and any further outburst will be directed at your genitals. You do have the sense to appreciate how much a burst testicle would hurt, don't you?"

He nodded resignedly.

"Good, so no further interruptions will be experienced?"

A gentle prodding with the bat at his scrotum turned his shamed head shake into a very vigorous one.

"Good. To continue, Mr. Utsler, you must be aware that you are being held captive, but not by whom. We sent one of our operatives out to find you last night. It was remarkably easy."

The woman's voice came from his left ear this time. "I had to take three showers just to get your awful stink off my body, you putrid sack of..."

"That's enough, Donna."

He heard her leave his ear and give it a quick slap, which hurt more than he cared to admit, and he lost his temper.

"You fuckin' bitch, when I get outta here I will fuckin'-" and the pain was great. His eyes watered, his whole body convulsed and he almost fainted but for an injection delivered directly to his heart which pulled him back from darkness, whether death or unconsciousness he didn't know or care.

"We warned you, Mr. Utsler. To continue, we found you, drugged you, and brought you here to show and tell. You remember show and tell, don't you? It's something they do in schools. And this is very much school, I assure you."

The tape was violently ripped off his face. Before him was a small man, silver haired and somewhat old, with glasses and a remote control in his hand. He was standing in front of a white glowing screen, and smiling slightly.

"Mr. Utsler, you can call me Professor Dawkins."

Fear welled up into his heart, though he didn't know why.

"I'm here to teach you a few things. I tried to teach these things to your associate, but his lessons were, shall we say, unproductive."

The small British man almost imperceptibly pressed a button on the remote control, and a quick, repeating image of his friend's blubbery head, covered in tears, grease paint, and vomit, and being shot with a shot gun filled the screen behind Professor Dawkins. Over and over the mans head was blown up in a pink and red splatter.

"He pleaded to us to stop before the end. He soiled himself almost immediately when he realized we wouldn't be letting him go. Just like you."

"P... Please... I'll do anything... Please, I want to see my son again..."

"I'm sorry, but that is not possible. The next time your son sees you you will have changed too drastically. So, shall we continue with the lessons?"

"No... please stop..."

"I'm afraid I can't do that. First," the small man pressed a button and the screen changed again, from the death of his best friend to a simple picture of a bar of metal with N on one end and S on the other, and current markings around it. "Magnets. They fucking work because unpaired electrons spinning in the same directions create magnetic domains. This, usually called electromagnetism, as electricity and magnetism share several similar properties, is a subset of the four forces, the others being strong interaction, weak interaction, and gravitation."

Confusion. Utter confusion. He was being kidnapped for this? For a... a song?

"Also, everything in that awful song that is actually real is explainable, if only you were intellectually curious." The screen changed again to a biological tree of life. "This, and I use the term very loosely, song, is what is wrong with our society. You care nothing about what we know and revel in ignorance. Giraffes are long-necked beasts for several reasons, the moon was formed from earth about four and a half billion years ago. UFOs? Seriously? The term is unidentified. That means it can be identified. That means we just need to learn."

Professor Dawkins pressed the button again. It showed a repeating video of a tube projecting jets of fire, each jet changing size as a person to the left of the tube pressed a note on a keyboard. "You are seeing music right now, Mr. Utsler. The wavelength of specific sounds creates this effect on the fire. It's called the resonant standing waves experiment. Do you see? Just because you don't know the answers and don't care enough to look them up does not mean that there are no answers. All the things you sing about are explainable or not real." The screen changed again, this time with a natural scene depicting a beach. The calm atmosphere the picture portrayed was in stark contrast to the words coming out of Professor Dawkins's mouth. "There are no such things as miracles, Mr. Utsler. Only things we can't explain yet. You talk so much of appreciating the world around you, do you not see that knowing is more satisfying? You are an idiot. A moron. And the world is not made better by your calling your lack of understanding a good thing."

Professor Dawkins's voice had grown deeper. "Your lyric, let me see if I can remember it correctly, '... and I don't wanna talk to no scientist, y'all just lyin' and gettin' me pissed' has made us mad. And you don't want to make scientists mad, do you Mr. Utsler?"

The vomit caked grease paint was mixing with tears as he realized he wouldn't be let out of this room alive. He had pissed off the wrong people...

He had pissed off the scientists.

"You've made us mad... Donna, please bring them out."

A door opened and two men stood in the hall adjacent to the room. They were both wearing ridiculous grease paint, one being short and squat, the other taller and thin.

"Say hello to the new Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, Mr. Utsler," Professor Dawkins said. "They are our associates, and they will be taking your place. We will use your minimal popularity to bring rational thought back to the ones that need it most... the, as you call them, Juggalos."

As he felt the life drain from his body after the surprisingly painless knife stabbed into his chest, he heard from the back of the room someone say "Good riddance, I never liked the bastards anyway..." His last thought was "That sounded a whole lot like my eighth grade science teacher..."

Good night, little ones... if you can...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

To catsitters, to make much with thyme...

Visited my parents in Texas over X-mas. I live in Kentucky. That's like, over fifty miles away! Some friends were visiting from Kansas (I have some quite long-reaching associations... bear that in mind when messing with my mafia) and they needed a place to crash that didn't have babies or mother-in-laws, and preferably had a cat. I has three cats. They are beefcats who sleep in sausage gravy, if you didn't know.

As with any time someone house/cat sits for me, I left them a note outlining some basics. I started writing something like...

"Hey, D&S...

There's food. There are cats. Don't confuse them..."

But it just rang hollow to me. So I decided to do what any of us would do...

I wrote a long lost chapter of the Necronomicon.

Here, then, is the unedited version of this note...
(BTW, I'm posting this because I want to get to twenty posts in a year, and this may just help push me over the edge. That, and it's pretty damn funny... Also some background info: I'm babysitting a cat called Milkshakes, and my apartment has a room that tapers in the ceiling and recesses in the floor, which makes it look like a church. So naturally I put a flag with the FSM in there, with x-mas lights. I am normal.)

The Gospel of the Methhaus apartment (as dictated to the "Mad Arab"), The Lost Book of the Necronomicon

1. And the lord thy god, the great oldest one, said unto the keepers of the felines of the one who looks at the dead:

2. Who soever eateth the pork curry in the box as cold as R'hley shall rejoice, for gastric pleasure and spelling mistakes shall be theirs.

3. And unto you I give the contents of the manna room, for within ye shall enjoy the delights therein.

4. But yea, heed ye this warning. Thou shalt not eat of the truffle, for if thou doust, thou shall encourage the wrath of the squid beast.

5. And thou shalt not consume all of the tomatoes dried by Masaka's gaze, or the crawling chaos shall enter your ears and eat upon your sanity.

6. And before the keepers could respond, the great oldest one continued "... Your sanity! The chaos shall eat it! Nibble nibble nibble! Which is a shock, let me tellst thou."

7. And I did see the pot that makes the black lifeblood, hidden with the blender, under the washing area where cats fear to tread.

8. And behold, the seven rolls of papyrus that shan't be used twice, hidden under the sink in Bath's room.

9. And shall the fattest of the beefcats whine? The oldest one said "Yea, for when you shall feed the beefcats, the whiner shall demand treats."

10. And I looked and saw, in the drawers beside the food of the beefcats, a plethora of treats for beefcats.

11. And the sheets were cleansed.

12. And the bananas were purchased.

13. Yet, tho the keepers did request it, the juice of the cow's breast was nowhere to be found.

14. The great oldest one saw my confusion, and said "I forgot. I could have gone to the store again, but I couldn't be bothered."

15. And I saw the takers of refuse, for they come on the day of fri. And all were pleased.

16. But then, lo, I did smell a great stench and heard a scratching sound. I did wail and gnash my teeth, and the oldest one said "The beefcat with the name that shall bring all of the cultist males under 18 to the yard has stinky poos.

17. STINKY POOOOOOOOS!!!"

18. And I wondered about entertainment, and was pleased when I saw over 400 geebees of entertainment on the small box of the Revo in the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

19. And I wondered about internet access, and was dismayed by the wire that must be connected to the top of my lap.

20. And I wondered aloud, "O Oldest One, What if I have a queery about something? Whom shall I pray to?"

21. And the oldest one said "Pray ye to the one who looks at the dead, for his cell phone shall be in service, and he shall answer."

22. And thou hast lost the game.

23. And the oldest one said "Verily, that is what she spake!"

24. And when I asked "What do you mean by that?" I was banished to the abyss, starring Ed Harris.

25. Happy intercoursing holidays, and danke.

Song of teh post: Carmina Burana, by Carl Orff
Pissed off Lovecraftian elder god of teh post: Cthulhu! Ia Ia Cthulhu Ftaghan!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Paleontology goo...

So many people have asked me what could possibly be on a paleontology final... Well this is the first part of the final. The second part will be correctly identifying fossils down to family/genus level. It's not perfect. But it's what I got. Not gonna post the questions either... gotta retain some semblance of mystery. This is the first draft, I'll clean it up laters.

And I'm actually doing this for my own benefit. I'm hoping some paleontologist will stumble on this and correct my ass. I'm an undergrad, but I deserve a scholastic spanking sometimes... In any case, this is the science I intend to do my graduate work in. Enjoy!

1.
Preservation or fossilization of animals can occur in several ways. Hard parts can be preserved in the following ways: Complete preservation by way of immediate burial (which is highly rare), decay of soft parts and/or transport of the hard parts which can lead to the hard parts being preserved unaltered or recrystallized (calcite changing to aragonite, silica, etc); if no recrystallization occurs, material can be removed through many processes, resulting in internal molds and casts, of either partial or complete preservation; if material is added, by pore intrusion by minerals (permineralization), sediment or mineral infill, or molecular replacement, an internal cast may happen. Naturally, most fossils are a combination of any of the above processes. Also there is petrification, which is a chemical process normally used to refer to fossilized plant material. These do not take into account footprints, ripple marks, trace fossils, or burrowing animal evidence, as they do not contain any soft or hard parts of an animal.

Both hard and soft parts of an organism can be fossilized, although obviously hard parts are much more likely. For soft parts, the most complete method (indeed, the most complete of any form of preservation) would be freezing of the body, in whole or part. Such examples as wooly mammoths in Siberia, and even the waste products of certain arctic and antarctic animals, lead to an extremely accurate account of the lives of extinct animals. Of course, preservation like this is entirely climate dependent. Other examples of soft body preservation or fossilization are environment dependent, but much more likely to occur, namely desiccation and burial,. Rapid burial under anaerobic conditions with the concurrent decreased possibility for scavenging and decay (due to the low oxygen) is possible, however rare. These lagerstatten (those Germans and their wonderful words) occur all over the world, with the most famous being the Burgess shale of Canada. Near perfect soft body preservation of organisms led to discoveries that are described in Stephen Jay Gould's Wonderful Life. Also very good preservation systems can be found in Mazon creek formation near Chicago. These, of course, would give the paleontologist a very good amount of information about past ecologies and the biology of the organisms therein. Barring that, a life assemblage (fossil assemblages that are buried in situ) are the second best, while not as perfect as a lagerstatten like the Burgess shale. Life assemblages give us a great glimpse into the ecology of an area and the biology of the critters preserved there (as long as one accepts the concept that modern analogues are accurate when compared with similar animals from a long extinct time).

Modern areas of prime fossilization are rare, as human behavior and habits can disturb many potential fossil-forming areas. One of the prime areas that could be used is a very deep lake with inlets of sediment flowing in rapidly. The lack of oxygen in the deep water, the cold nature of water past the sunlight penetrating zones, an absence of scavengers due to the lack of oxygen, and a rapid burial could preserve and fossilize hard parts quite well. The outflow of large rivers also has the potential to bury animals quickly, although there may be oxygen and scavengers present.


2.
Temperature.
Temperature factors are obtainable from fossil assemblages because of several reasons. First, certain animals will not survive in certain temperatures (too hot or too cold will kill an animal). This is particularly important when thinking about cold blooded animals like lizards or amphibians. If the modern analogues of these animals cannot survive below a certain temperature, it is likely that their ancestors weren't able to tolerate cold temperatures either. On the reverse side, polar bears do not tolerate hot climates very well; their bodies are evolved to tolerate frigid temperatures. If one sees several lizard fossils in an assemblage, then the paleoclimate must have been one that had warm temperatures. Also, the growth rate and reproduction of animals is dictated to a large part by the metabolism of the creature. A cold environment creates a slow metabolism, which in turn decreases the growth rate of the animal. This makes breeding a very late stage process as opposed to warmer climates, in which pedomorphosis is more common rather than peramorphosis, as occurs in colder climates. However, each animal has a particular zone of temperature that it abides best in, and according to Van Hoft's rule, lower the temperature deviates from ideal (every ten degrees Celsius), the slower the biological reaction rates are (by a factor of 1 to 6). Also, morphology can be affected by temperature in many ways. Warm water has more dissolved calcium carbonate for marine critter shells to form, and less dissolved gasses which make cold water animals intolerant to the temperature by a roundabout way. Even the handedness of certain gastropods denotes temperature, with certain species coiling right handedly during warm periods, and left handedly during glacial periods. This is all, of course, based on our assumption that certain species behaved in ways that their modern analogues do. There may be arctic lizards we don't know about, but when diagnosing a fossil assemblage, taking into account all the fossils makes us relatively certain. It is a safe assumption that an arctic lizard, if there ever was one, would not inhabit the same ecological area as a set of other warm weather species.

Salinity.
Mean salinity of the ocean is around thirty five percent NaCl. This does not mean, however, that all ocean water is the same percentage saline. Waters near the shore (especially near freshwater outflow) are subject to widely varying salinity (so-called brackish water), which leads to particularly hearty forms of life living there. Massive outflows of freshwater can give way to periods of evaporation that concentrates the salt in the water. Particularly, organisms that have evolved the ability to regulate the amount of salt in their bodies (otherwise known as euryhaline). These are usually relatively simple life forms like certain bivalves, crustaceans, and forams, and can be a definitive argument for the paleoecology of the area being one of fluctuating salinity. Most marine critters are stenohaline, which means they have no ability to regulate the amount of salt in their bodies. Some critters, usually exclusively in fresh water, have very little tolerance to salt, and some, namely certain types of algae, shrimp, and bacteria, can tolerate hypersaline conditions. All this, of course, is exclusively dealing in marine realms, as there are few euryhaline terrestrial animals (some species of reptile excluded) and even fewer inland salt water bodies. In this example, our assumptions are based off of not only the modern analogues, but the positions of animals with each other in life assemblage fossils. Bivalves and molluscs that exist near each other must have had similar salinity tolerances, which leads to better evaluation of paleoecology.

Light.
Most organisms need light to survive, either by primary production or consumption of the primary producers (some deep sea animals live off of the sulfuric compounds that emanate from hydrothermal vents, with other animals living off them: yet more biostratigraphic guide fossils, if they ever fossilize). Plants are the obvious potential fossils, but in marine environments, it gets a bit more tricky. Certain organisms that do not photosynthesize yet are first or second level consumers or are symbiotic with photosynthetic organisms can't exist beyond the photic zone. Hermatypic corals, large forams, and giant clams are dependent not only on photosynthetic organisms for food, but even for their symbiotic relationships with them. As a rule of thumb, any organism that is light dependent or it's primary consumers cannot exist outside of a narrow margin in and directly below the photic zone. Ahermatipic scavengers and the predators that eat them exist further down the ocean column. In an extreme example of our dealing with the inherent problems of defining the ecology of an extinct system, both of the above assumptions (that dealt with temperature and salinity, respectively) can be used. The organisms that exist near each other coupled with the behavior of extant species are accurate estimations of the paleoecological areas and the paleobiological realms of extinct species.
3.
Ordovician.
After the Cambrian extinction, some small evolution of vertebrates was evident in the Ordovician period, along with the extinction of some deep-water trilobite species, but the biggest expansion was in the shelled critters. Among the most dominant were the pentamerid and inarticulate brachiopods, the tabulate corals (which were the primary reef builders after the rudists) like halysitdae, which spread widely during the late Ordovician, the cryptostome and treptostome bryozoans, archaeogastropods like macluitdae, shallow water trilobites like asaphinids, and most abundantly, the crinoids, which went a huge expansion during this time, and are the most dominant fossil presence.

Jurassic.
Scleractinian corals expanded, with types like montastrea being the most dominant, along with saccocoma crinoids, but the gastropods like turritella, molluscs like the oyster-type graphaea, and ammonites like stephanoceras expanded greatly. Trilobites are now all but extinct. What is particularly interesting is the expansion of the vertebrates like liopleurodons being abundant, although rarely fossilized. The shallow marine environment of the Jurassic was abundant with many varied types of life, including pseudodiadema echinoids (sea urchins) that evolved from more primitive echinoids earlier in the Carboniferous period. Overall, the bioecology of the ocean branched out and expanded in several ways, with lots of major diversification from the Permian and Triassic periods, and with the shelled critters overtaking crinoids as the most dominant fossil presence.

Eocene.
Long after the first mammals inhabited the land, they returned to the ocean, with the first species of whales evident in the Eocene. The neogastropods were in full flourish, with several genera evident in the fossil record, like nassarius and conus. Nautiloids were taking the niches of ammonites,which were dying out. Sea urchins like Lutetiaster were abundant in the warm, brackish waters, as well as several hundred species of fish (the dominant vertebrates in marine environments), like diplomystus, which is now extinct. The Eocene contains several modern analogues to current genera, if not those exact genera that have changed little in thirty four million years, adding or dropping species occasionally. The most dominant form of fossil are still the shelled critters, with neogastropods and molluscs overtaking the more primitive shelled animals.

4.
It would be safe to assume that since limestone is made primarily of calcium carbonate, that the production of the rock would be predicated on the production of animals that produce calcium carbonate for some reason, be it shell production, stalk production, or even as a byproduct of some other process (though this is far from likely). It therefore stands to reason that the best way to discover what a particular limestone formation is made of is dependent on the forms of life that make the calcium carbonate. Sure, geological reworking has a definite factor to the overall texture of the limestone, but the basic parts, not to mention the larger fossils, would remain unchanged. So, in essence, the only real way to distinguish on sight a particular type of limestone would be to analyze its skeletal components and what type of fossils lie in it.

The most predominant forms of life that contributed to the past petrogenesis of limestone were usually confined to shallow tropical ocean water environments. Of course, in order for limestone to be made, things have to die. When they die, they collect and are lithified. Limestones like the enormous chalk beds that formed during the cretaceous (creta, in Latin, means chalk) are made up of microscopic organisms called coccolithophores, the poorly cemented coquinas made of fragmented shells (and because of this have to be at least as old as the evolution of CaCO3 shells), and oolitic limestone, made out of oolites, onion layer-like deposits of calcite around a grain of sediment, can and have formed over vast swaths of time. But here, condensed, is an approximate overview of some of the early eras.

Archean:
Stromatolites dominated the life form arena, up until the Proterozoic, and produced what CaCO3 we can find from this time period today.

Proterozoic:
Still mostly stromatolites. Evolution occurring among some groups of corals and critters, but not much is in the fossil record.

Cambrian:
The Cambrian explosion led to a vast diversification of organisms; corals, bivalves, trilobites, a few molluscs, etc. All of which are carbonate producers. From here on out, with a few variations, the major players in limestone production are here.

Ordovician:
Anthozoan corals abound, and more and more critters take shape and contribute to the fossil record in limestone. The development and expansion of bryozoans as well as the radiation of gastropods and articulate bivalves occurs, along with uncoiled nautiloids.

Silurian-Devonian:
Tabulate corals and forams are the primary limestone contributors here.

This trend occurs up until the Cretaceous, when some of the main distribution of limestone takes the form of the coccolithophores in chalk. All throughout this time, shelled organisms are dying and being lithified or recycled and turned back into CaCO3 for the other critters to use. It's difficult to keep tabs, but as a general rule, the animals that were able to use CaCO3 created and were fossilized in limestone, and generally they were of increasing complexity, from simple bivalves and solitary corals to complex, colonial corals and other bivalves, gastro/cephalopods, and complex arthropods.

5.
Forams/ Diatoms
Heterotrophic feeding/ Autotrophic feeding
Shell composed of:/ Shell composed of:
Tectin, agglutinated/ Silicious “frustule”
material, or secreted/
calcite/
Precambrian-Holocene/ Jurassic-Holocene

The foraminefera are more likely to be in marine environments, although some can live in brackish waters. Diatoms dominate the freshwater environments. Fusilinidae forams are great for correlating upper Paleozoic rocks, as they went extinct at the end of the Permian.

6.
Interval zone: Biostratigraphic zone which correlates the beginning and/or end of one or more fossil taxa
Assemblage zone: Biostratigraphic zone which includes multiple taxa
Abundance zone: Where a particular fossil taxon reaches a higher level of abundance


(Created with Microsoft paint program. Technically, I drew it. I'm kosher here.)

Planktonic organisms are useful for naming zones and time stratigraphic relationships because the appearance and extinctions of certain types of organisms clearly mark certain time boundaries. For instance, diatom biostratigraphy, which is based on time-constrained evolutionary apperances and extinctions of unique diatoms, is well developed and widely applicable in marine systems.

Phew!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Killing the cat, metaphorically speaking...



You know what bugs me... Hang on, that's not the way to start this...



Let's try this...



Go to a mirror. Look at your reflection. Something you've seen all your life. Sure its changed a bit since, well, every other day, but it's you. Big deal. But try this.

Feel the area of your skull just above your eye sockets. If you're a male, you probably have a ridge there. Females usually don't have this, even though its pervasive through all the races of humanity. This brow ridge is there mostly as an anchor spot for muscles in the face, and for some reason males have bigger muscle scars on their bones than females do (just ask any forensic anthropologist!). There are other muscle scars on other areas of the skull, like behind the ear and the jaw insertions that males seem to have more of than females do. Why is that? We still don't know, but are ya curious?

Now close your eyes. Express happiness. Did you smile? Of course you did. Did you know that people who are blind from birth smile when they're happy? They do. Why? If you go to the animal kingdom, the bearing of teeth is usually used as an expression of aggression. Feral children don't smile. Why do we smile? We think we know, but are you curious yet?

Now just stare at your reflection. See your face? It's composed of atoms, basically. These atoms were cooked up in the furnace of a star, billions of years ago. The carbon in the proteins, the calcium in your bones, the iron in your blood, all that stuff was thrown from a star as it exploded in its final stages of life. Did you hear that? A star died so you could be here. How does this happen? You curious about that?

All those atoms have been kicking around space for eons, millions of millenia. They coalesced into one form in one sliver of time to make you. And you can contemplate that. Imagine how precious that is! All those billions of years and nothing. Now, in this brief period of time, you are here where nothing once was. You, imperfect, spotty, farty, goofy, perverted, bad habit-having you. You can think about this fact. Isn't that amazing? For almost fifteen billion years there was nothing as far as you're concerned, and now you're experiencing it.

The universe is almost fifteen billion years old. That's fifteen BILLION. That's a large number. It's kind of hard to contemplate. Dinosaurs died out sixty five million years ago. One million years ago our ancestors were just going bald and figuring out that the sharp pointy bits of a stick can bring down a big ole beast to eat. We think that a person who is a hundred years old is really old. Balls. Old is the earth. Over four billion years old. Huge swaths of time passed between the beginning of the universe and the formation of the earth, and more huge swaths of time passed between the beginning of the earth and the formation of life. Huge swaths of time passed between the beginning of life and us. Hundreds of millions of years. There were only five hundred thousand people at Woodstock, and if you pretend each person was one year, that is almost 1/800th of the number of years just multicellular life has been on the planet.

The earth! What a wonderful place. It seems huge, doesn't it! It's massive. It's where everything we know... is! All that has happened , all history, all discovery, all murder, love, war, peace, tyrants and saints, from spears and arrows to rockets and nuclear bombs. All of it is here. At best, we've got a plaque, some footprints, and a flag up on the moon, some bits of metal floating around deep space, but who we are, all of us, is here on this huge planet. Now go to the orbit of Mars and look back. We're nothing but a pixel. All we are and know is on this tiny speck of rock floating in the middle of nothing.

All this grandeur, all the improbable circumstances, all the wonderful things, painful and pleasing, that happened for you to get here are amazing in their scope. To be alive and realize you're alive is awe-inspiring, and now that we know what we know about the universe, it's even more mind boggling! Evolution molding us into what we are today, with no reason or purpose, just natural laws and biology. You are the culmination of an evolutionary journey. You did it. You hit the genetic jackpot, and you didn't even try!

All this amazing possibility and room for growth, the terrifying vastness of the universe, the arrangements of atoms that make up the molecules that make up the DNA that make up you- all a natural process. All explainable. And all you have to do to know about it is learn! To pick up a book about genetics, or astrophysics, or evolution, or geology, or whatever you don't know about, and find out that we figured all this out- talking monkeys figured out all this amazing stuff- is truly a wonderful thing. We are a smart and wonderful species, and our curiosity is something that has propelled us to what we are now. For good or ill, it has been there, helping us.

And then, there are the willfully ignorant, the liars, the people who want to scare you into the small, ever shrinking universe that they find comfortable...


Evolution has no explanation as to why and how around 1.4 million species of animals evolved as male and female .
- Ray Comfort

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can. - Kirk Cameron

The real purpose is to say the Bibles true, and its history. Genesis is true. - Ken Ham

Oh, absolutely, ... because, you know, the Bible teaches that God made land animals on day six, alongside of Adam and Eve. - Ken Ham

Only Christianity and its teachings can explain the purpose and meaning of this world--and also gives the basis for right and wrong, good and evil, etc.
- Ken Ham

"The Earth is billions of years old. The geologic column is the way to interpret it, and Charles Darwin's evolution is right." That is what they teach in order to be a good communist. Did you know that Russian teachers come to America to study education because the American educational system is considered the best in the world for teaching students these three principals. This prepares them to be good communists and to doubt the word of God. - Kent Hovind

“Who are you gonna believe, the scientists or God?"
(Mewling crowd OF CHILDREN) “God!”
"That's right, and don't you forget it!”
- Ken Ham

Cain promoted the evolutionary doctrine that man can progress by his own efforts… When God rejected his [sacrifice], he became angry at God. Since he could not hurt God, he took out his anger on God’s servant, his brother… Cain’s efforts to “evolve” closer to God met with disaster... The story of evolution continues in Gen. 9:22, “And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.” ... When the people left the Tower of Babel, they took their false religion of evolution with them. - Kent Hovind

These people are evil. They want to take your awe, curiosity, and wonder and throw it away, replacing it with shame, flagellation, and the "honor" of begging for forgiveness for being human. They lie, cheat, and in some cases, steal, to have their way with your sense of adventure to make it fit in with their tiny little worldview.

Don't let them do this.

Keep your awe. When you look in the sky at night, don't think that it's a pretty decoration created for you, think of it as a frontier to be explored. When you smell a flower, or pet a puppy, or hold a baby, don't think that it was just a whim of a bored skybeast that brought it into your path, think of how the flower came from other plants, whose evolution is directly linked to the evolution of the insects that pollinate it, or that the puppy came from wolves that inhabited human settlements ten thousand years ago, or that the baby came out of the womb in a time where its chances for surviving were greater than its chances of dying by a huge margin, thanks to medicine, science, innovation, and curiosity.

We are cheated by the people who demand reverence for a bronze age deity. Cheated out of our wonder. Cheated out of our awe. Cheated out of our lives.

Give them nothing but skepticism, and don't take them seriously. They don't love you. They want to destroy the only thing you have that is insubstantial but powerful enough to destroy them...

They want to destroy your curiosity.

Song of teh post: Rise Above, by Black Flag
World view of teh post: Skepticism for the win, baby!