Sunday, June 27, 2010


Have you ever had an enlightenment experience? I have. I'm currently in Louisville, KY, at Sunergo's Coffee having an iced espresso. I know, I know, one must be considered a coffee snob of the highest order when one orders a coffee with more than two syllables and that ends with an "O" vowel sound. It calls into question one's masculinity and makes people who find Waffle House the height of culinary achievement sneer over their four teeth and down their noses on their tiny faces in the center of their giant heads. Well to those people I can only say...

I reached this level of enlightenment by the Haight/Ashbury method: chemically. Sometimes Caffeine can give you just the edge you need to attain true Buddhahood (not the pansy way of sitting in front of a wall and staring at it for hours until your brain decides that it'll give up the goods). This coffee is amazing. Imagine being wrapped in a warm blanket fresh from the dryer on a cold winter day in front of a fire with your face gently buried in soft cushions, your mouth being slowly stuffed full of your favorite chocolate dipped fruit and something wonderful happening to the area between your knees and navel. That's what this coffee does. It steals your mind and makes you happy while being politely firm about the joy you must receive.

I am loathe to be brand loyal, but damn. This is a microroaster in Kentucky and they ship their product anywhere in the world!!!

All those who love coffee and know me will be expecting a shipment of enlightenment soon.

Song of teh post: Coffee House Blues, By Lightnin' Hopkins
Roast of teh post: Tanzanian Peaberry

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The story of the Hawk...

I've been asked about my hairstyle several times. Here is the true story of the events that have led up to my most severe style...

Thousands of years ago, long before Flo ever said "Kiss my grits," and in an area of the galaxy that the most fashion conscious people on earth will one day call "the area that brings new and dreadful meaning to the word 'gauche,'" a supernova occurred, vaporizing a planet with only two continents whose inhabitants had, through evolutionary pressures, evolved wheels on the ends of their legs. These beings were called 'Derbs.'

The Derbs were a peaceful race, far removed from the concept of war and destruction. Their two continents were called Wftda (pronounced WOOF-duh) and Wbtda (pronounced WOOB-duh), and in millennium they had never fought each other for supremacy. They reached this nirvana-like society by strange means; most notably by the Shirley Jackson short story "The Lottery" style social purging. Once a year every society would hold a lottery and twenty female Derbs from each continent (the females ruled the planet) would get together and race around in a circle, trying to pass each others countrywomen and slamming into each other. The women who passed more of their opponents won, and their continent would be declared the ruling continent. Since their society was peaceful, this was all the violence needed in their world.

But when the planet was vaporized, particles of it flew through the cosmos at near light speed. One of these particles flew into Earth's orbit, entering the atmosphere and passed through the brains of two men, called Leo Seltzer and Damon Runyon. They then created the sport of Roller Derby, subconsciously naming it after the Derbs. Eighty years later, in Bowling Green, KY, two women decided to create their own derby league. Their history is too fanciful to believe, but let it be known that even though they are immortal, they do find themselves susceptible to bribery by whiskey and hot dogs.

This roller derby league was created and two teams emerged. The Vette City Vixens and the Bowling Green Hot Broads. These two teams were fierce and powerful, but they had no way of knowing when to perform their miracle stunts on their amazing track. They needed a 'timekeeper,' or by its Latin name (name removed as it may actually summon C'thulhu). Then my phone rang...

I was asked if I could be their time referee. I accepted and was informed that my picture should be taken for their website and fliers. I contemplated this situation and, upon consultation with Lay 'Em Lola, a Hot Broad who, unknown to her, had been invaded by another particle of the planet of the Derbs, decided that I wanted her hairstyle. She has a Mohawk as well, and one fine May afternoon in early April, I was given this hairstyle by one who HAS THE VERY SPIRIT OF THE DERBS INSIDE HER!

I hope this clears up any confusion...

Song of teh post: Roller Derby Queen by Jim Croce
Rollergirl of teh post: Lay 'Em Lola

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Story of Rufus 'Hornswagle' Capon

Chapter 1: Origins

Part 1: Those who knew him when... The Nanny.

Smiling to the root of his vas deferens and improperly placed intrauterine devices, Rufus “Hornswagle” Capon laughed that tinny laugh that drove Margot Kidder around the bend all those years ago. “My childhood? You'd have to ask the woman that I called Nanny. I'm sure she'd give you a much better and more accurate portrayal of OH JESUS WHY DID I DO THAT?!?!,” he said as he stubbed his cigar out on the head of his penis. It's true, of course. His childhood, shrouded in secrecy mostly by the federal government of Paraguay, is a subject of extreme debate among modern historians, as ancient historians would never have known about him.

Acting upon his suggestion, we did locate his nanny, now living in a leper colony in Cornwall, England. Her lips smiled, fell off, and were stapled back on as she described his true origins. Here now, unedited, is her entire story.

“Ah, Rufus! Is he still around? Still putting cigarettes out on his penis?”

“He's moved on to cigars now.”

“Hah! He's been doing that since he was six months old, bless him.”

“Could you tell us a bit about yourself, miss...”

“Oh, please, call me William. I was born into a coffee bean roaster on the south side of France. After rescuing me once I reached a light city roast, I was put in an orphanage at my parent's request. There I learned the skills I needed to be a nanny for such a wonderful little lama beast such as Rufus. Skills like tattooing, savage beating with a monk fish, large vegetable insertions into the... uh...”

“The nostril?”

“Oh yes, that too. Anyway, such a lovely boy he was. Eyes were never his strong suit, but who needs eyes, I told him, when you've got your wealth. And he lorded that over all others! Oh boy, was he a dick. He used to take his pocket money and pay best friends to fight to the death. He'd import croutons from the tropics and use them as urinal cakes. But he was a kind boy occasionally. I remember one day I was enjoying a cup of meat tea in the sitting room which doubled as the feces storage facility when he walks up to me, completely straight faced, and said “Nanny, why do people fight? Why are there wars? Can't we all just be friends?” Seeing a budding glimmer of compassion and empathy in this wide eyed little boy who so recently had been terrorizing his friends with whips made of poison oak bark, I smiled at him, patted him on his tiny little toes, and said “Shut your fucking mouth, little shit drawer, or I'll smack you so hard you'll get pregnant.” I booted him in the teeth just to make sure he got the message, and he ran off screaming, later to attack me properly with a machete. Such a lovely boy he was.”

“What's your most vivid memory of Rufus's childhood?”

“Oh lord, that's a butt plug of a question. I'd have to say it was the time we got him back from Magic Space Camp Camp.”

“What's that?”

“It's a summer camp where all the children dress up as the members of ABBA and are led by the headmaster, who's dressed as Oscar Wilde, to recreate the musical “Phantom of the Opera” on the moon while sawing ladies in half. It's a bit of a specialist camp, of course, but it was either that or juvenile hall for that murder charge, and his father was rich. Anyway, he got off the shuttle and ran up to his father's servant's mistress's chauffeur's father's mistress's servant and leaped into his arms, sobbing. I asked him why he was crying, and he said that during the finale he stumbled over his lyrics and shat in someone else's pants. He was just about to explain how he got his poo into some other person's underwear, and just stopped stubbing that smoke out on his tadger, when the Russian ICBMs started screaming overhead, and the bombs started falling. When Hitler's tank rolled up to our limousine, Goering got out and started having sex with (large section removed due to CIA request). That's how he got that scar underneath his skull.”

“Just a couple more questions, William. What was the best thing about your time with him?”

“Oh that would be the day that I left his sorry ass and never looked back. I shot him in the face with a large flaming potato gun...”

“The potatoes were on fire?”

“No, the gun was. Anyway, after I shot him in the face, I turned in my notice and hung him by his toes as a parting gift. I never saw him again, but then that's a good thing. I'm still receiving money from his family as a settlement out of court, and the doctor says that if I ever get over this leprosy, I may regain the use of my extremities and bodily sphincters. I have to hand it to him though, that specifically engineered virus was very clever.”

“And lastly, William, what does 'Hornswagle' mean?”

(long pause) “You get the hell out of here right now. Get out and I never want to see you again!”

The authors would like to thank William for her kind interview.

Next time, Part 2: Those who knew him when... The Principal.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Books I'd like to read, if only they existed...

Every summer I find myself with lotsa free time to occupy my already ADD riddled mind. I love to read, but rarely find right books. I'm kinda picky like dat. If someone would write these five books, I'd be grateful. I'll buy multiple copies and give them to all my friends and certain members of my family.


"It's an obscure book. I doubt you've read it."
-Hipster standing outside the bar smoking

"Whatever. It's pointless anyway."
-Emo kid shopping for razors

"A non-stop informational storm which made me want to wear a Genesis shirt ironically and drink lousy beer, for FASHION!"
-Fiendly Grimmish


"I laughed, I cried, I prayed!"
-Alan David Berlin

"Disgusting, immoral, repugnant, and falling short on every family value that we as Americans hold dear!"
-Mark Sanford, Governor, SC

"Lets you into a magical world in which nobody but gay people don't exist. I give it two engorged phalluses up!"
-Fiendly Grimmish


"Finally one of our own speaks out. This has been a long time coming, and can only open dialogue among all people."
-That friend of a friend that said that one thing that time.

"We have concluded that this is, scientifically, the best book in existence."
-Those doctors that did that study one time.

"I had no idea it was so hard. This is quite a load. I'm glad it came."
-Fiendly Grimmish


"I had no idea everyone loved my work so much. (starts sobbing) I'm so deeply touched by this... thank you for including me in this tome of... (incoherent speech through blubbering weeping).
-Glenn Beck, Contributor "Gays Have Married? Now I Can Do My Sister!"

"While I'm not... I can't read this. There's no words on it. I ca... FUCK IT! WE'LL DO IT LIVE! NO, FUCK THIS!! SHUT THIS MICROPHONE OFF NOW!"
-Bill Orally, Contributor "Excerpt from 'Those Who Trespass'"

(Vomiting sounds)
-Fiendly Grimmish


"I say, quite the eloquent book. I'd give it two thumbs up, if I had knuckled digits."
-Charlie the cat

"Ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball..."

"OMG I loled! It are teh awesum! Wuts going on? Y dat kitteh has a knifey? No! Don be stabbin mah hed!"
-Fiendly Grimmish

Song of teh post: Reading Rainbow theme song.
Book of teh post: A Liars Autobiography, by Graham Chapman

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Recipes... The Fellowship of the Veggies

Far too lazy to write an actual post today. Actually I'm reading an excellent book, Predictably Irrational, so I'm rather engulfed in that. Here's a recipe for Italian Giardinera, a semi-pickled collection of awesome veggies with the flexibility to be adapted to anything you find at the farmer's market. Try it on sammiches, blend it in a food processor with cream cheese for awesome bagel topping, toss it in pasta salad, and the liquid it marinades in is perfect for a green salad. It keeps in the fridge for up to three months. Enjoy!


2 Green bell peppers, diced
2 Red bell peppers, diced
4 Banana peppers, sliced
1 large celery stalk, sliced
1 large carrot, sliced
1 red onion, Frenched
1/2 cup cauliflower florets
1/2 cup salt
water to cover
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbs. Dried oregano
1 tsp. Red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp. Black pepper
1 5 oz jar pimento stuffed green olives, drained and chopped
1 cup white wine vinegar
1 cup olive oil

In a bowl, combine the green and red peppers, the banana peppers, celery, carrots, onion, and cauliflower.

Stir in salt, fill with water to cover.

Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Drain and rinse the vegetables.

In a bowl, mix garlic, oregano, red pepper flakes, black pepper, and olives. Pour in vinegar and olive oil and mix well.

Combine with vegetables.

Place in 5-6 pint sized jars, adding more liquid (equal parts oil and vinegar) to come about 3/4ths of the way up.

Refrigerate for two days before using.