Friday, May 28, 2010
The first post! I don't know why! My leg is asleep!
Hi! I'm Eric. This is my blog. Why?
WHY NOT, ASSHAT!?
I'mma... Sorry. I'mma be posting stuff that is of vitally important interest to you. I'm... Dammit! I'm a college student, cook, liberal, vegetarian, and fan of skim milk. If this hasn't put you off, then I'm glad we're friends. This is my first post, so I've decided to post some tidbits of wisdom from my 28 years of survival, of which I will tell you of so much you'll shit explosive ropes of boredom. (By the way, that isn't me in the picture. I just wanted to post something random. It's totally not my image, by the way. I forgot where I got it from. Just google "hideous man unicorn that gives me nightmares/wet dreams" and you'll find it.)
So here's my first ejaculation of wisdom...
For Odin, FOR ASGARD!
I've been doing odd things for years. Most have involved the potential to be lost in the wilderness, sleeping in my car, and waking up panicked, covered in vegemite, wearing handcuffs and crying... always crying...
Anyway, since this happens so damned often, I've built up a list of ten things to keep in your trunk in case of any possible emergency...
1. A large paisley bed sheet. This is vital for several reasons. It will keep you warm in your car, it serves as a great sign in case of the zombie apocalypse (just write "survivors here" on it in blood, and sit back and wait on the roof of the mall), it serves as the perfect thing to help you stand out in those lonely toga parties. It also can be used to swaddle any feral children you find that have been raised by wolves. This happens to me far more than you can imagine.
2. The Hulk. Just in case.
3. Dried Herbs. You never know when you will be abducted by cannibals and forced to either cook for them or be eaten by them. Add some herbs to their stews of human meat, giving them a taste sensation that will be looked upon as a gift from whatever strange gods they may worship. Also, swallow some just before being dropped in the pot. They did win the battle, obviously, so they deserve to have a tasty meal of you. (Do not use cilantro unless you are Mexican.)
4. Handcuff keys. Cause the handcuffs are still a problem.
5. The Rockwell Retro Encabulator.
6. A dutch oven. No, not that, you perv.
7. A clean pair of someone else's underwear. This is a complicated scenario, but one that will pop up occasionally. Lets say you're at a party and someone soils themselves. Maybe they drank Jager on top of Taco Bell, or their batch of homemade beef jerky wasn't dried all the way yet, and that fuzz on it wasn't salt but some kind of deathmold that makes the insides of the human body turn to jellied belly meats and squeak out the anal sphincter. In any case, you've got a mess on your hands (well, hopefully not on your hands. That would be quite difficult to explain to anyone who was passing by- "I swear I was just washing my hands in the toilet when this guy busts in and...").
Lets also say that the person wears a different size underwear than you do.
You: "Hey, quite a mess you got there, bub."
PooPants McCraptrousers: "I know, and on this, the day of my daughters wedding."
You: "I wear a size 38. What size do you wear?"
PooPants McCraptrousers: "87. I'm not a small waisted man."
You: "You won't believe this, but I happen to have some size 87 bikini briefs in my trunk."
PooPants McCraptrousers: "What on earth for?"
You: "I'm a well prepared man."
PooPants McCraptrousers: "You win an internets!"
And who doesn't want to win an internets?
8. A cat. They can live anywhere, survive on little, and help you win sympathy from anyone who happens to be strolling by. Take this...
Just your ordinary, average, sexually sadistic serial killer. Now add a kitty...
And you have a perfectly respectable man with a happy kitty in his arms, waiting for a ride! See what a kitty can do?
9. Shortening. Not only does it not go bad in warm weather and doesn't need to be refrigerated, it can be used in so many cooking applications its a miracle, AND its a lubricant extraordinaire! Just imagine how much more comfortable the butter scene from Last Tango in Paris would have been with shortening instead of icky butter!
10. Gasoline. Start fires, fuel your car, challenge idiots to a drinking game dare, and ward off pesky mosquitos and chiggers! It's truly a wondermaterial, don't let the BP oil spill fool you!
That's enough for now. I'll see you later.
Song of teh post: Eloise, by The Damned.
Serial killer of teh post: Theodore Robert Bundy