Saturday, May 29, 2010

An open letter to Sarah Palin...

Dear Sarah,

How's it going? How's the family? Is Trig or Twix or Spatula or Rhododendron or whatever doing ok? Did you get the fruit basket I sent? I specifically picked out fruits that are indigenous to Alaska to put in it. (That means that they come from there.) Stuff like peaches and apples and pineapples and pomegranates. Jesus planted those there ya know. I figured that I should make an effort to reach out and be nice. So few liberals appreciate you, or at the very least blast you without trying to cushion the blow. It's hard to be Palin. I know, you get some sympathy from the people who put their scrotums on each other, bizarrely, but some good old liberal panacea can make even the most closed-minded, asinine, bigoted, habitually incorrect, hard hearted, angry about the gubment, creationist wacko smile a bit, even when he/she is reloading.

Having prefaced appropriately, I must engage in a witty repartee (that means talk to you humorously) about your recent interview with Bill Orally. In it you said, roughly, that the law of the United States is and should be based on the bible, a line that has been spouted by the fundamentalist Christians for years. Respectfully, Sarah...

What. The. Fuck.

First off, the constitution, the thing we both love (but only I seem to know, because between the two of us, I'm apparently the only one that's read the thing) is the general law of the land. You won't find any of the ten commandments in it. Any of them. And some of the constitution's greatest hits go directly against the bible. And that's a GOOD THING. Here's what I mean...

Exodus 21, 2-6 says...
If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing. if he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he were married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master have given him a wife, and she have born him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out by himself. And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free: Then his master shall bring him unto the judges; he shall also bring him to the door, or unto the door post; and his master shall bore his ear through with an awl; and he shall serve him forever.

Pretty gruesome way to treat your slaves. I'd wager that very few people in the US would even condone slavery in the first place! In fact, there ought to be a law against slavery!

Amendment 13 of the constitution:
1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

Hmm. I guess there is.

My point is that times change. In 1855 there were slaves. In 1865 there weren't. What did that? Not Abrahamic law, but our own, fallible, human made law. Which is better? Which is more moral? The thing, my sweet fascist, is that we put our own codes of morality on our own actions. Biblical law is unchanging and unyielding to human powers, according to most of the fundamentalists that I have been subjected to. Human laws change with the times. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in huge and important ways, but they do change.

By the way, ever had catfish in any of your southern romps through the country?
Leviticus 11:10 But anything in the seas or rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is an abomination to you.

Wear a poly/cotton blend?
Deuteronomy 22:11 Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.

Hate paying taxes?
Romans 13:6-7 Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes, if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect, if honor, then honor.

I know these are common retorts and responses and everyone knows them and why am I bringing it up and whatever. It just seems that you, Sarah, can't claim that bible laws are better than secular (RED ALERT! RED ALERT! HEATHEN! HEATHEN!) laws when I'm sure that you've done all those things listed above. We as a country do not live by biblical law.

And that's good. Secular government doesn't mean that people can't or won't let you worship, it means that everyone can worship, whatever we want, or not worship at all, whatever we choose to do. The special thing about the United States is that it was the first society in the modern era to succeed in having a set of rules that didn't bring up a holy doctrine or unquestionable mandates from "divine" guidance. We did that on our own. And it worked.

Why do you want to ruin that?

Anyway, I hope you understand that, underneath all the clutter and admittedly shoddy keeping of our laws by the government, this really is a very good system we got going. Sure there's always room for improvement. But improvement is almost always a forward thinking process. There really is no reason to accept bronze age law in the technological age. I for one adore shrimp (when I eat meat). I'm wearing at least three different types of cloth as I write this. I own no slaves and don't want anyone to be bound by any ties that they don't choose to put on themselves. I'm a modern person. I don't want to go back to the bronze age. Unless it's in a time machine. That would be awesome.

E. "F.G." H.

Song of teh post: New Rose, by the Damned.
Creepy creationist potential president of the post: Sarah "If it moves I shoot it from a helicopter" Palin.

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