Monday, November 1, 2010

In Defense of a Liberal Worldview (I are Seriose voter, this are Seriose stuf)

There are a few things I feel that I should clear up before the vote tomorrow. (FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ARE WE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!?!?!?) Mainly due to the fact that there are people who value rhetoric over reality, furious to functional, imaginary over intelligent. (SERIOUSLY! THESE FUCKWADS ARE THE ONES THAT GOT US INTO THIS FUCKING MESS!!!!!) If you told the average tea party enthusiast (THEY CALL THEMSELVES TEABAGGERS! TEABAGGERS!!!!!) that most likely their taxes went down under Obama's administration, or that the best way to economically run government isn't to let corporations have more rights than citizens do, but to carefully balance available taxable income with social and political programs, you'd get a firm, yet reasonable debate. (BULLSHIT! THEY CALL ME HITLER!!! COCKBAG, DOUCHEHEAD, SHITBRAINED, GOPHERFUCKING, ASSHAMSTER, DICKSTAIN, BALLRIPPING, HYPOCRITICAL, TOADMOLESTING, MOLESTACHEHAVING, VULVALANCING, KNOW-NOTHING MERCURY ADDICTS!!!!!111ONE!!) I find that informing these wonderful people of some non-revisionist history, some basic science, and some social theory can help them see our side of the picture. (YOU HAVE TO NAIL THEM TO A CHAIR AND STAPLE THEIR EYELIDS TO THEIR FOREHEAD BEFORE THEY EVEN GET THE NEURAL IMPULSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SHARE THEIR RELIGIOUS/POLITICAL/ANTI-SCIENCE VIEWS EVEN EXISTS IN THEIR FUZZY LITTLE XENOPHOBIC BRAINS!) What follows is some hard, painful truths for these misguided people (DICKS!!!!) and some helpful suggestions for dealing with them. Naturally, most people of a conservative bent aren't as fanatical as these people, and will accept evidence, but there are a few of you (I'M NOT A COYOTE WITH A WITCH FETISH WHO DRINKS HER OWN URINE FROM A BABY'S SKULL. I'M YOU!!!) who need to hear the following...

Evolution: (What you gonna believe? Science or tribal shamans with no hygiene and little reasoning power during their short, miserable lives?)

It happens. It's happening now. It has happened in the past. It will happen in the future. Deal with it. Just because you "don't believe" in it, or that you offhandedly dismiss anyone who does as a "Darwinist" or "Evolutionist," doesn't mean that it isn't FACT. If you bothered to Google "evidence of evolution" you'd be inundated with facts, facts FACTS! It can't get much clearer than "you're wrong". No amount of sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming will stop it.
How to fix this problem...
All you have to do is deny any modern medicine or technology to these science deniers. One round of blood letting and humor testing, complete with leeches and prayer, and you'll see these people running back to science, maybe even learning a thing er three.

The Founding Fathers (I gots a boner for teh flavah of teh slave owners!)

Ok, here's the deal. Imma give you a few quotes, and you tell me if they came from the founding fathers or members...
"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." "Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies." "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government." "The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity." "Every new and successful example, therefore, of a perfect separation between the ecclesiastical and civil matters, is of importance; and I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in showing that religion and Government will both exist in greater purity the less they are mixed together."

Give up?

They are all from our founding fathers. People like Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, et al, they were convinced that the health of the country was inversely proportional to the association that it has with the church. "But we have god on our money!" "The pledge of allegiance has god in it!" Please. Look up when those things were added and under what circumstances. Then we'll talk. By the way, Darwin is on British money. They consistently outperform the United States in almost every standard of healthy societies. And they're the lousiest performers in all of Western Europe. Makes you think, if you could.
How to fix this problem...
These people want a religion based society rather than a secular government? Tell them to go kick it in Iran or Somalia for a while. Then ask them if they want Jesus with that constitution burger.
Also, just because it isn't in the constitution doesn't mean its against the law. Federal taxation pays for social security, medicare, etc. So unless you're totally off the government tit, don't bite down.

This isn't "your country." (Ahm takin mah countree back frum teh socialist nazi communist atheist muslims whut done runed it!)

We all live here. When we were bitching about Dubya (who was an abomination unto the lord, I know 'cause he told me (the lord, not Dubya)) you told us to love our country or to get out. Now you want to take your country back because we aren't stupid or mean enough to tell you to love it or leave it. Double standard? Surely you jest! (By the way, I'll see your Aqua Buddha and raise you a Swift Boat.) We all live here, get used to it. SO WHAT if you gotta press one for English? SO WHAT if you can't go to a gas pump without seeing a furrin language? SO WHAT that the gay neighbor wants to get married to his boyfriend of twenty years? SO FUCKING WHAT? Abortion is not murder, gay marriage will not lead to your wife leaving you for a truck driving dyke, your taxes aren't the problem. And to pretend that only your type of people deserve to live here is doing a disservice to all the people whose lives have been made better and more fulfilled because of the diversity in our country. In other words, you're a dick, and if there's a hell, I hope it's full of Mexican tormentors.
How to fix this problem...
Take off your Jebus or Mohammad blinders for two minutes, look around you. These are things that take a minimum of thought, so think for a minimum amount of time, and you'll see that we are sharing this country with a huge and diverse group. Not everyone believes what you believe, and nobody wants to make you believe what they believe. Be a dick about your own life, but let others live theirs.

Companies love you! (and that sweet, sweet lifeblood money that your children will undoubtedly fork into their gaping maws when they can afford the necessities in life, like diet Coke and Hummers.)
This should be a 'nuff said argument here. Companies don't love you. They want your money, not just from you using their products, but they don't want to pay taxes on their money. They want to get it all. "But the law of competition is sacrosanct!!" Dammit, no. You know what happens when competition is allowed to fulfill its natural destiny? One entity wins. Think about it. Do you want your children to go to Wal-Mart high, or to have to pay their taxes to Regulation keeps behemoth multinationals from controlling everything!
How to fix this problem...
Apart from not buying from huge meganational corporations, there's not much left to do. The wave of deregulation is a huge and all encompassing one, and apart from a massive shift in our cultural consciousness, we, in the immortal words of Epicurus, are fukt.

And finally...
Liberals, please listen carefully... ('cause if you don't I'm going to beat you with a fetus)
If you know you're right, don't be afraid. These people have no argument that doesn't revolve around mistakes, so point out those mistakes. Be ruthless. Call out bullshit when you hear it. Who cares if they say "liberals can't take a joke" or laugh in your face? When you stand up for your beliefs as they're doing, you're going to get a few swings, maybe a few altercations under your belt, but every time that happens you figure out how to erode their posts a bit. This is a great country, with room for a wide array of opinions and philosophies, but if someone is so insanely, thigh suckingly, arse wideningly stupid that what they're saying doesn't make sense, then call their shit out! "Obama is a Muslim!" "BULLSHIT!" "The left are all nazis!" "COME ON, YOU IDIOT!!!" "Anyone is Hitler!" "OTHER THAN HITLER, NOBODY IS HITLER!"

In other words, tell them to...

Sorry. I'm normally pretty full of levity, but this has... irked me.

Song of teh post: We Are 138, by The Misfits
Angry Liberal of teh post: Everyone that understands that Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck aren't the torchbearers of the illumination.


  1. I'd like to print this out and staple it to certain people's foreheads. I mean, they wouldn't understand, but I'd sure as hell feel a lot better.

    Also, vulvalancing would make for an excellent band name.

  2. Adding you to my Google reader is the best thing that's happened to my life. There I was, strolling though the hum-drum of the mildly passionate bloggers and blog rolls when I find more capital letter and bold font that one should be accustomed to. And I read it without realizing it was you and I was so thrilled that finally someone on my blog roll was talking some sense and getting fired up about the ignorance and stupidity that permeates the Teabagging discourse... And, of course, I checked to see who I'd been slowly falling in love with and it was you. I'm not surprised, sir, and you are sooo right.

    Did you see/hear Jon Stewart's Sanity rally? I thought you might find it interesting to listen to his fifteen minute not-tirade about being "reasonable." I was a little disappointed to think that Stewart was such a wuss. But, hey, ya can't have it all.

    It's about time we stop pretending we're all moderates for the sake of calling ourselves reasonable. We can be actual leftists without being unreasonable. And while I'm sure there are midly reasonable Teabaggers out there, I'm sure they're still voting stupid.

    Love and fucking sunshine,